Things I can't admit in RL

[vegetariandumpling]

Sometimes I do want to talk to people in rl about this stuff but seems like it's very simple for them but I'm still very confused. I think they're bored of listening to me talk about this stuff so I can't anymore. So I feel like this stuff is a terrible secret that I'm hiding and I just want to write it down so I can feel like I've 'admitted' it.

1. I still love my ex-fiance. My feelings for him haven?t faded in at all, which everyone has assured me they would.

2. My biggest regret is not marrying him, and especially not marrying him the minute he first asked me. I do genuinely believe my life would be better now if I?d have married him then, and if anyone who knows me knew that, they either wouldn?t believe me or would think I?m stupid/crazy.

3. I still resent my parents/family for encouraging me to not marry him. I resent them and feel annoyed with them even though I know it?s not their fault, it?s my own and my ex?s. But I can?t help feeling this way and wished that they would have just stood back and let me marry him even if it would have been a mistake because at least it would have been my own mistake resulting from a decision I made. Instead I don?t actually feel like I made a decision, and still keep thinking about marrying him.

4. When my cousin set a date for her wedding I cried for two hours non-stop. I still find it hard to talk about her wedding. She?s invited me to go dress shopping with her in June and even though I love her and should be happy for her, I don?t know how I can face even going dress shopping, let alone going to the wedding. Obviously, that makes me a horrible, selfish person hence why I?m only admitting it to strangers on MN.

5. My work colleagues still think I?m with ex as I can?t face admitting that I?m not. Also, it?s a really big deal to them, especially my boss, and I think it might hurt my career, so I?m looking for another job so I don?t have to admit it to them ever.

6. I know that I won?t ever meet any one else, as I don?t go out, have many friends or interests or really enjoy life in general. I keep trying to think of ways that I can be happy without getting married instead, but I just don?t think I can.

In case any one is wondering why I don?t just marry ex-fiance, he?s told me he doesn?t love me, and isn?t sure if he?d be upset if I was dead, but still wants to get married. Also I know in my heart that if we got married, it would only be for my own selfish reasons and he would be miserable, and he doesn?t deserve that. And that he would eventually leave me.

I do actually feel a bit better now that I?ve somehow shared these things, even though I?ll never be able to tell anyone in person.

Sometimes it just helps to get it out. Hope you can move on and find a better obsession than a man who does not love you!

Time will tell dumpling.

You won't believe me but one day you will be mightily relieved that you did not marry this man.

I should have broken it off with my fiance but I didn't, and I married him. Two years later he dumped me and I wish with all my heart I had never married him and my lovely wonderful DH was my first, and only, husband.

There is no reason why you won't find someone else. Yes you are not being very sociable at the moment, but that's because you are mourning for the loss of this relationship.

Give yourself time, the time will come that you will congratulate yourself for your lucky escape. Goodness me, I am congratulating you on your lucky escape - you are clearly ten times cleverer than I was!

I mean:- "he doesn't love me, and isn't sure if he'd be upset if I was dead, but still wants to get married." ???????? Fuck him!

hi there - your not alone i feel like this about my first love we were young but we had our whole life planned out ,we were engaged but we would argue over silly things and soon after we split for the umpteenth time i got with my dh and 15 yrs later we are still married although not happily
i too wish with all of being that i had stayed with my first love
i still love him ? how thats even possible i dont know

I don't understand why he wants to marry you if he says he doesn't love you. I can understand why you are so hurt and confused by it all, your life has been turned upside down. It is not clear from your post how recently your engagement broke off. When I broke up with my ex I didn't tell people from work straight away, I was ashamed and thought it would affect their perception of me. However, over time I just dripped it into conversation with some people and others just got to know and it is no big deal. Everybody has their own dramas in their own lives, they won't care about yours, other than to have mild concern for your welfare. I too thought it would be better to just change jobs but that is just silly and I didn't! I hope you come to terms with things soon.

Thanks everyone for your support. We broke up 8 months ago but have been talking since then about getting back together, so it's still not really over completely for me iykwim. I know that if I married him I would probably regret it like balloons, but if I don't then I'm worried I'll be like wondering, and still miss him 15 years later. I'm finding it really hard to imagine life without him.
I think he wants to get married for status, because all his friends are doing it and various other cultural reasons (he's not British). poinsetta I'd love to believe that peopl won't care about it, but my boss really likes him, and is always bringing it up. He even mentioned it in his speech at the christmas party. I feel like he'll think less of me if he knows we're not together anymore.

He's not sure he'd be sorry if you died?!
You deserve a whole lot better than that. Cut the string he's got you hanging on. You can, and will, do better.
Detach from him, that will ease your pain. Stop letting him maintain this hold on your life.

Well, you could still marry a man that openly doesn't love you and doesn't care whether you're alive or dead. Can't imagine it'll be much fun for you though- especially a few years down the line when he might well not only be leaving, but leaving you with children and no income. Your life might be temporarily better now- it'd get a hell of a lot worse when the end that even you see as inevitable comes.

People generally marry when they are totally in love with one another,and want to spend the rest of their lives building a future and possibly a family together. Not because of their boss's opinion, or because somebody available happens to be nearby. You say he's not British- is he looking for a marriage of convenience?

He isn't the only man in the world. And if you're lonely and bored now, you'd still be lonely and bored married- it's not some magical fairytale that plays its own story , you need to control your life yourself.

Forgot to say- moving on will be hard while you're still having this level of contact, and still going on about marrying. Once you have established a life without him featuring heavily in it, things will get easier. Good luck vegetariandumpling.

You really couldn't marry a man who didn't love you.

It has only been 8 months. That is no time at all. It took me years to get over my ex. As for your career suffering your private life is nothing to do with your work life and you have nothing to be ashamed about, you don't need to hide that it is over or even tell them if you don't want too.

There are people that I actively dislike that I would still be sorry if they died! He sounds like a very cruel person to have said such a thing to you.

I really don't understand the work bit at all - it might hurt your career? That you're not with this guy?

I think being married (or getting married) means a lot to you, and with the loss of your fiancé it's perhaps not surprising you were so upset about your cousin's wedding, and the need for trying to put a brave face on through the preparations and the event itself.

I think it's very sad that you don't enjoy life in general. Not because it means you won't meet anyone else but because you deserve to be happy and to enjoy your life - we all do. I would spend some time on you and getting your zest for life back. Is there something you've always wanted to do (for yourself) that you never have? Why not do it now?

And whatever you do, don't marry someone who patently doesn't care for you enough. You deserve better!

If he doesn't love you why does he want to marry you. I couldn't be with someone that couldn't even care less if I dropped down dead that even putting you below friend status imo.

You really should not worry about what your boss thinks. He isnt important at all in this. So long as your work is not affected by your private life, then it really is none of his concern whatsoever, and if he was to make your work life difficult because you split with your partner, then there are laws in place to deal with that!