chocolate weetabix

[ancienthistrionics]

Please bear with me, this is going to sound like absolutely nothing but it has been rumbling for weeks now and I have no idea what to do, if anything.

DP's nephew has been living with us for about 18 months. He is an orphan who was brought up by DP's mother till she couldn't cope, which is where we stepped in.

I know that some people may remember our story. I don't want to spell it all out now, for privacy reasons, so will have to opt for drip feeding I'm afraid.

DN loves sweet things. I am very generous with puddings, with chocolatey things quite often, or ice cream. After what we can call a lengthy and at times painful training period he now always eats his dinner, including vegetables and salad or whatever, cooks at least once a week, dishes in machine, sets table and does not dare take food from fridge. We never have biscuits or crisps in the house and only yoghurt or fruit. He is also polite and works hard at school. I think it is little short of a miracle and I'm really proud of him, and yes, of myself too, for all we have achieved.

For a long time I had trouble getting him to have breakfast before school - and as he was refusing school when we got him, and behaving very very badly when he did go so (his behaviour nosedived when he was tired or hungry) bedtime and breakfast were big issues I dealt with.

Also, I didn't know him at all when he came to us and food, and cooking, has been the start of our bond.

Finally, after much negotiation and trying different things, including cooking him bacon and eggs every morning, porridge with syrup and fruit etc. we settled on chocolate weetabix. He loves them and gets through a box a week, which is quite a lot because he snacks on them too, after dinner before bed, at the weekend etc.

This is all me, rather than DP who is working very hard at the moment and frankly hasn't got very involved in any of it.

Suddenly, DP has butted in and said DN can't have chocolate weetabix, because it's baby food and ridiculous he has to alternate with normal weetabix. He hates that he has put on weight (he has a bit, but is still within the normal range). I asked him to do more things with him, some sport or whatever (we live by the sea with loads of stuff to do, it's the main reason we moved here) but he's too busy so just makes a change that I have to enforce and go through the whole nightmare of getting him to have breakfast, etc. again when I had it all sorted. I have talked to DN and he's really upset he can't have them, we had a look at the box and they only have 10g more per 100g than the normal ones which he'll pile sugar on anyway. I'm so pissed off with DP, have tried to talk it through but he seems to think it's The Way Forward and I mustn't undermine him. We have had about four massive rows about this and I no longer know what to think.

I think he's being ridiculous, it's cereal ffs, doesn't he have better things to worry about?

Chocolate is not the end of the world, and it's probably healthier than ordinary weetabix loaded with sugar which is how I would eat it, disgusting stuff

Utterly ridiculous, but it's causing so much bad feeling. I've told him in the absence of him doing some sport or activities with DN in the next week or so the chocobix are going back on the shopping list.

it's horrible stuff, but I think your DH is being unreasonable with this.

If it makes him eat his breakfast, then surely it doesn't matter?

and yes, he should be doing something with him to encourage him to be healthy/fit.

He thinks you're undermining him? After everything you've done for his nephew? Think he's got that the wrong way round. Tell him to butt out and pick his battles.

His family are all so bizarre. I think he's angry because his mother had babied DN so much. He was even allowed to have pudding before his dinner if he wanted. He sees me giving him sweet things as spoiling him, but nearly all of what I do with DN is telling him off, making him do stuff he doesn't want to do. In a way, food is my bargaining chip with him. Now, I know that's not ideal in a normal setting, but for god's sake I was given an angry, depressed, rebellious twelve year old and frankly you use what you can.

Well my DS will only eat weetabix withs of sugar too. And sometimes has other crap cereals for breakfast. The way I feel better about it is by ensuring DS has some protein as well to help slow the energy release. So DS will have a piece of cheese as well or a Babybel. Would that help do you think?

Oh and I think you have done a fab job.

I think you husband is bullying your nephew, it sounds as if the poor child has been through already.

Chocolate weetabix may not be the best thing in the world to eat but it is hardly the very worst.

I would make it very clear to your husband that as you are the one who is doing the lion share of the childcare what you say goes and he needs to step back

ancient This seems to be a symptom of an underlying problem. Just a few choc weetabix will not make him overweight on their own.
The other side of the coin is exercise - and it might make him a bit more cheerful in the long run. What about martial arts? Or just a bit of footie? Surely you can enrol him in something to burn up calories.
But under all this is the point that DP should be doing a bit of bonding with his DN - giving him a male role model and all that sort of stuff. You are being put on in my opinion

Thanks Cider

Rabid, if I take that tack he says I'm not allowing him any input and so justifies his lack of input, if you see what I mean. What a twat

Thanks for the . He plays plenty of sport at school, but we only moved here a month ago and with the holidays he has only done one week at his new school so no friends yet. We moved here so he could have a more active outdoorsy lifestyle, not like London where all his friends seemed to be on their xboxes.

It's hard to get him to join stuff, but he does do lots of artwork etc. so it's not like it's all tv or anything.

What the deuce! Has your DP ever heard the expression 'bigger fish to fry'?
Tell him if he is so insitant on him not having them, that he can spend the time encouraging your DN to eat something else.
In the grand scheme of things, i really dont think chocolate wheatabix is a fight worth having. If he is bothered about his weight, enrole him in a club/get him surfing lessons etc.
I think you are doing a marvelous thing in raising him you should be very proud! give hime the choccy wheatabix

Chocolate weetabix is perfectly healthy, get a box and compare it to the ordinary weetabix and there is very little difference. I eat it every morning myself, I can't stand the ordinary Weetabix and I would bet it's a lot healthier than bacon and eggs every morning.
All your DN has been through and your DH is battling with him over cereal ffs?!
I can't decide if he's a baby or a bully.

I remember some of your threads from when he first came to live with you. Good to hear things are going so well, you have worked so hard to get to this point.
Perhaps dh needs to understand that at this age, it's really hard to get dcs to eat any breakfast at all ? I agree, in an ideal world, there's probably more sugar in them than is ideal, but which one of us lives in an ideal world ?
Your dn is about to enter his teens. Get dh to read "How to Talk so your teenager will Listen and listen so your teenager will talk" - it gives brilliant advice about allowing teens to be allowed to 'have their say' and will come in very useful over the coming years. He needs to realise he can't stay out of things (due to being at work) for 95% of the time, then waltz in and lay down some kind of edict - it's just not going to work over the next few years.
To resolve this, would a compromise of being allowed to have them for breakfast, but not as snacks ? that way he's not eating so much of it ? A kind of 'not losing face' for your dh, but dn still gets breakfast ?
Good luck.
Oh, btw, this is pretty typical in a lot of homes, I don't think it's to do with your particular family set up.

Oh no, it's pretty standard in my house. DD2 has weight issues (she's being investigated for thyroid problems as they are prevalent in XH's family), but XH has in the past been horrifically rude and controlling with her. Some people mean well, but just can't see how damaging and bullying they are being.

Tell him that food is your area, and he is not to interfere as you are doing most of the childcare, and reiterate again that he needs to do something with his DN.

Hats off to you btw.

I've been having ordinary Weetabix near enough every morning for probably 40 years and I couldn't tolerate it without a little bit of added sugar (albeit Candarel). There are worse things.

Thanks so much, backforgood I appreciate your kind words. We have come a long way - DN is 14 now, incredibly. I've read the how to talk book and found it very useful. DP hasn't, can't you tell

At the beginning he had sugar on his chocolate weetabix , so it's not like I'm not making progress!

I wouldn't mind if he wanted to take over the whole issue, talk to DN about nutrition, exercise with him but no, he just hands down a decree and demands it be enforced the twat.

Sounds like Dp's mum was trying to compensate for his misfortune understandably.

well done for turning things around.

Sounds like DP is wanting to apply strict rules and forgetting a human is involved and things aren't black and white and don't happen overnight.

However, as he has dug his heels in, you will need to be cunning to be able to un-entrench him.

I suggest giving him a good reason to be 'able' to back down without losing face. A bit of work could be involved but sounds worth it.

Make a list of all cereals commonly found in supermarkets. Cheerios, grahams, honeynut cornflakes, porridge, sugar puffs etc etc etc. List the sugar content as a percentage in each and line them up in ascending order. Should be an hours work on the internet.

I bet choc weetabix isn't at the top. It'll be somewhere in the middle.

you say: you were thinking about it and concerned he might be right and not wanting DN to put on weight you checked it out. Turns out it isn't too bad and given it is better than no brekky he could stay with it and get more exercise instead. Remind him how often tastes can change at 12yo and ask what he was eating then and if still the same now.

Be non-confrontational about it and leave it with him for him to stew over think about. He may see that you have made a serious attempt to take his points on board and meet you halfway?

You are doing a fantastic job

And your DP is being an idiot. As I was reading your thread, I thought, oh God, please just let your DN have the bloody Weetabix - it's not a big deal. He eats breakfast, therefore he functions better at school. What's the big deal, really? In time he will start to eat other stuff, but if a couple of chocolate Weetabix is what works for him now then it really isn't that much of a problem.

Your DP needs to get off his backside and do more with his DN. It's all very well him dictating what he should/n't eat, but he needs to get more involved too. Could DN join a sports club in something he really likes? Football, rugby, golf, whatever? Just to get him out and doing some regular exercise. Your DP could take him

This boy needs to be cut some slack. He has lost both of his parents at such a young age and that is just a tragedy.

Choc weetabix will be in the middle until you factor in that the vast majority of people add sugar to the ones like weetabix.

Then it will be near the bottom. Gin's idea is a good one, do your homework, make the stats work for you, then present it as she suggests.

I have a very dodgy stomach and can't eat much in a morning. Ironically, the one thing I can stomach is sweet stuff - coco pops, chocolate porridge etc! I have taken to buying chocolate all-bran biscuits which are actually nice and relatively healthy.

Unfortunately my kids are the same as me, it's either something sweet or nothing at all. Do I send the kids to school hungry because they're refusing to eat their shredded wheat? do I bollocks. I buy them chocolate wheetos.

Your husband is being a dick and by the sounds of it, looking for something to control.

you sound wonderful :)

your dh needs to get things into perspective

all will be well:)

Pisses me off when my dh issues a random command re: the kids that he expects me to police. So he'll decide that they've been watching too much crap on the TV and say, as he's leaving for work "I've told them they're not watching TV during the day anymore."

Thanks for that. So I'll sort out the fallout from that one, shall I?

Thanks all

GinPalace DN did a comparison between the two types of bix to show DP how little difference, but alas, DP seems to have set aside today to be an utter twat.

CLam yes, that exactly!

I just tried again, took him over the park, but he got very defensive saying I was nixing all his efforts and saying he did nothing. But but! He does nothing.

I've told him I'll write it down.

He uses a lot of brinkmanship too - well if that's what you think then we shouldn't even be together etc. Yawn.

oh dear. :(

Out of ideas then. Sorry, hope things settle down.