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Original poster

Supernanny put a DH in abuser programme

62 replies

CovertTwinkle · 14/04/2012 09:56

On E4 now ... very mixed feelings about this.
Usually Ive noticed things on these sort of programmes where she ignores threatening behaviour or emotional abuse etc and its not addressed. But this episode they're showing the DH meeting ex-abusers and counsellors etc ...

Do we think this is a good thing in showing the need to address abuse and that help is available or is this infact more damanging by sending out the message that meeting a few people and saying "yeah Ive done some wrong things" means they will be "cured" and everything will be ok?? She did a spectacular speech about how he was a "danger" but did nothing more. Just winds me up. Yet another example, like all the soaps, of abuse being shown as "losing his temper", "having a breakdown" etc and not being addressed correctly.

When things went wrong in my relationship I remember watching a drama and the man hitting the woman, shouting in her face etc and thinking "well, Hugh is only doing that because she can't be sensible with money" (which was the perspecrive the drama showed), and so feeling that because I wasn't keeping on top of housework and being a super mum maybe I deserved it. Has anyone else noticed this?

Blush rambling rant over!!

OP posts:
Original poster
CovertTwinkle · 14/04/2012 10:00

What I mean is that the "victim" in these things (the man whose wife doesn't want to spend time with him anymore, or who starts a career when they'd been a SAHM, or even who cheats) usually demonstrates their frustration and pain by lashing out at their close family over a period of weeks or months as opposed to the occasional days where we have a meltdown which IMO is entirely different.

Am I making sense??

OP posts:
IAmBooyhoo · 14/04/2012 10:03

sorry i dont understand. you say she called him a danger but didn't do anything but she did if she put him in an abuser programme, didn't she? i think it's better than doing nothing TBH. i've seen stuff in the past on her shows and it really infuriated me that she didn't insist on anger management or something for some of the parents who were really out of control. i'm glad she is doing it this time.

Original poster
CovertTwinkle · 14/04/2012 10:10

Sorry, sleep deprived ramblings Blush

Basically for most of the programme she kept brushing off his obvious anger and abuse towards his children until the last few minutes when she announced that he was a danger, was showing abusive behaviour and would need counselling to understand why he was doing this. She then took him to meet a line of people who would help him - a lady from an abuser programme who said she looked forward to talking to him more (which I took to mean he would be going into the abuser programme) an ex-abuser who made it seem like he could just wake up and be "cured" and a victim of abuse who talked about her childhood briefly.

My issue wasn't so much whether he was going to get the help as we don't know what happened off screen, but the message it was giving out. the abuser programme was almost an aside, the main message was that he would get better because Supernanny had arranged a counsellor for him, which I find worrying in terms of what its telling women in this kind of situation.

OP posts:
IAmBooyhoo · 14/04/2012 10:12

ah right, yes i see what you mean now. it would have been better if he had been in the programme before her work with the family discipline began. i wouldn't have started work with them until he had completed it but i am not supernanny.

dottyspotty2 · 14/04/2012 10:14

Seen that one before don't watch her anymore she really bugs me.

BertieBotts · 14/04/2012 10:16

That is problematic, by the sounds of things. Mind you, I don't like supernanny anyway...

But YY, you can't just tell an abusive person to go off for some counselling and everything will be fine. In fact person-centred counselling can be dangerous for abusers and provide them with justification for their actions. Abuse programs are of course much better, but even in the Lundy Bancroft book (he runs abuse programmes) he says that a lot of abusers come in because their partner/ex told them it was a condition, or they come in looking for new ways to control their partner which aren't abusive (ie, spectacularly missing the point!)

BertieBotts · 14/04/2012 10:18

Good point, booyhoo - I doubt that would have made good TV, though. They want to do the discipline bit (the focus of the programme) and move on having created harmony in the family, not wait around for months or even years while Dad deals with his issues. Although that would probably have been healthier, it's not what your average viewer of supernanny tunes in to see...

PooPooInMyToes · 14/04/2012 10:22

I didn't see the program but Im not sure what else she could have done. The man is confronting his behaviour, is in a program and having counselling, hopefully it will help, what more do you want?

Original poster
CovertTwinkle · 14/04/2012 10:36

PooPoo I want it to be handled better. There shouldn't have been 80% of the programme ignoring his very violent temper and focussing on the lesser issues, there should have been some information, be it after the programme (like the BBC does after Eastenders) or during, stating something along the lines of "If you have concerns about any of the issues raised in this programme ...". She should IMO have explained WHY showing agression and violence towards pre-school aged children was dangerous and harmful. She should have explained that counselling wasn't going to cure him in 5 mins. It infuriated me that none of this was made clear. The unprovoked verbal attacks these children experienced were treated in the same way as the mothers lack of discipline - it was normalised. I don't feel this an acceptable way to show a (and I use this word losely) "professional" handling a man with clear abusive behaviours.

OP posts:
IAmBooyhoo · 14/04/2012 11:04

"Good point, booyhoo - I doubt that would have made good TV, though."

i agree, which is why i dont like Supernanny. she is not professional, she is in it for the viewing figures.

BertieBotts · 14/04/2012 11:05

It is only one of the myriad reasons as to which she does not endear herself to me Wink

IAmBooyhoo · 14/04/2012 11:08

i haven't seen the show but from what you say covert, i agree with you. as i said, i have seen alot of her programmes and be agog at what she seems to see as just 'bad disciplining' rather than abusive behaviours.

Hassled · 14/04/2012 11:13

I saw one of these recently where the husband confessed part way through that he was an alcoholic - again, it was a very trite, casual sort of "well, I'll drive you to an AA meeting and you'll be cured" sort of response. She did sort of talk about the effect of his drinking on the rest of the family (seemed to be hoards of kids, the oldest ones having no lives caring for the little ones) but again, it didn't properly address the issues or even really touch on how it had affected the wife.

IAmBooyhoo · 14/04/2012 11:14

i saw that one too hassled and felt the same as you.

PooPooInMyToes · 14/04/2012 11:29

So what was he actually doing? You mentioned violence, what was he actually doing? And the verbal outbursts? Having not seen it its hard to know.

I think to some extent Jo can't an expected to be an abuse expert. Although i agree that the problems shouldn't be minimized.

Original poster
CovertTwinkle · 14/04/2012 11:33

PooPoo He would just lose his temper over small things, name calling - nasty sarcastic tone with pre-school aged kids, shouting right up in their faces, grabbing them and shouting. Just literally losing control and verbally lashing out. They were utterly petrified. The teenage girl had a lot of self esteem issues and was generally really upset by the way he treated her and the other children.

Hassled thank you those were the words I was looking for "trite, casual"

OP posts:
PooPooInMyToes · 14/04/2012 11:36

Blimey!

dottyspotty2 · 14/04/2012 12:08

If its the one I'm thinking off it was teenage stepdaughter being called allsorts for wearing normal clothes jeans tarty etc.

Tanith · 14/04/2012 14:28

Was this the Davis family? Very hard to watch. However, it wasn't until the follow-up that the camera caught him punching one of the little ones after she'd woken him up. It was after this incident that Jo seemed to change tack and start talking "abusive" rather than "poor parenting".

I agree that it seemed rather glossed over and the father a bit too trite, but I suspect an awful lot was cut out of the programme - aren't they only half an hour long? In reality, the father had to attend the rehabilitation program and was prosecuted for his abuse.

AbigailAdams · 14/04/2012 14:48

I find so many if the relationships on Supernanny (especially the US version) dysfunctional and abusive. More often than not the father has checked out of caring for the children. I often wonder how long the miraculous new leaf they turn over, lasts.

PooPooInMyToes · 14/04/2012 14:54

Tanith. He hit the child!? Was he really prosecuted?

dottyspotty2 · 14/04/2012 14:56

Just watched the clip was the one I was thinking of he used belts on the kids and treated them like absolute crap a womans place was in the home sort of idiot.

Lueji · 14/04/2012 15:06

I suspect there's only so much they can show, given that they need the families' consent to broadcast.

Tanith · 14/04/2012 20:22

My apologies: viewers reported him to the police and, faced with all that documentary evidence Wink, they launched an investigation for child abuse. I thought I read somewhere that he had, in fact, been prosecuted, but can't find the link now, if it ever existed. It does say he was undergoing counselling.

Yes, he really did hit the little girl. He was asleep in bed, she approached him and his arm was seen to flash out and she reeled backwards and ran away crying.

The clips are on YouTube and the father is Phil Davis. What I think also needs to be remembered is that it was almost certainly learned behaviour - hope the cycle was broken Sad

otchayaniye · 14/04/2012 21:06

I haven't seen this particular programme, but I wanted to issue a warning about these sorts of programmes -- particularly those shown on Channel 4. my husband is a tv producer (I'm a journalist who has done telly and who knows people who work on these sorts of shows).

Since we are both journalists and work for the top, most respected organisations, we know about producer guidelines and the ethics of reporting.

You are not supposed to film children like this (pick a good day and you can make my daughter look like Regan from The Exorcist). You are not supposed to film vulnerable people like and you have to continually inform them about how they are to be treated. This does not happen.

These programmes just tear these guidelines up and chuck them in the bin. It's entertainment. Everything is amped up and edited to look a certain way and fit the storyline.

And as for Supernanny herself, not only do I disagree strongly with her outdated behaviourist methods, I am appalled that someone who professes to care about children (despite not getting round to having any) works on a show that pimps them out for ad money.

It is grotesque.