Feeling distanced from DH, how to stop the feeling getting worse? (LONG!!)

[moominmarvellous]

I am a SAHM and DH has been working away for the last three weeks (first time ever working away and is home on weekends) which to begin with I had no problem with. Was actually quite looking forward to....not him being gone as such, but a bit of a change of routine.

As the weeks progressed I realised I didnt really miss him, which was a bit strange, felt a bit mean, but I have a lively 5 year old and an equally lively 1year old who is a poor sleeper. I'm just either busy with them or worn out by them. Plus it was half term so we were out and about more etc. But now that hes home I feel slightly irritated with him. His not being here has highlighted how little difference it made to my daily life and I feel terrible about it.

He's a really lovely husband and in many ways I count myself as bloody lucky to have him. He often pays me compliments (undeserved as I must look like a bag of shite 99% of the time) he's brilliant in bed, he's SO hardworking and although we dont live a flashy lifestyle, we pretty much want for nothing as a result of how hard he has worked.

But lately I feel like he's disconnected from me and the children. He doesnt seem to gravitate towards them like he did at one time. They always come to me, be it for fun, food or comfort. Time spent as a family I find less enjoyable when he is there as he doesnt seem relaxed and can be too quickly irritated. If he helps with the children I feel its purely because I've reached my wits end. I feel theres a competition in who's the most tired, which I know is quite common, but its annoying nonetheless.

Also he tells me he loves me a lot - pretty much every day, but I sometimes dont feel inclined to say it back because he'll say 'I love you' before he goes to work having left me deal with a sick child and a sleepless baby all night, knowing its the second night in a row that I've had about 4 hourse sleep. The response I want to give is 'Oh piss off!' - but that would be mean :)

I DO love my husband but I am worried that the way I'm feeling could grow and that these issues are what people mean when they refer to 'the cracks'. Or is it simply that we're the parents of young children adapting to a new (and it is only temporary) way of living and I'm over tired, over emotional and over thinking it all?

I think you urgently need to spend time with your DH sans DC. Can you leave your DC with GPs and book a long weekend in a nice hotel?

That does sound like a good idea but weekend isnt really an option at the moment as we are at the start of a really busy few months - birthdays, stag weekends and then weddings are dominating things and its all close family stuff.

I could see if a night/day could be fitted in somewhere.

Its like work is his priority and the children are mine and we're both just travelling off on our own tracks.

From what you say you aren't allocating any couple time at all - it's all work and socialising. This is no good [stern emoticon] and you must cancel a stag weekend/birthday if needs be.

And it doesn't matter if it's "close family stuff". Your couple is more important.

I know. I know it is more important, but one wedding/hen/stag combo is for my sister's wedding and the other is for his brothers and he's best man so it is tricky.

I'm going to have a good look at the calendar now and see what is missable among this and all the other stuff thats happening. He had to work today so I'll speak to him about finding some time when I see him later on.

Thank you for replying to me :)

Good luck . It's really important to continue to spend time together as a couple with no DCs/family/friends.

you need couple time. STAT

Its so easy for good relationships to drift apart with the stresses and strains of family life. Me and my dp nearly split up because of everything getting on top of both of us but we are making little breaks away together without children an important part of our life now, and we totally reconnect at those times. If you can get some family on board, maybe a little weekend away somewhere?

what work is he going to do to ensure you don't become distanced as a couple? when you do eventually get your couple time together, you need to point out that he is 50 percent responsible for working on the relationship. Men (and women) quite often forget that and women end up doing the work on the relationship, which can end up being counter productive because women end up feeling that they're doing all the "emotion work", leading to resentment and even more"distancing". Make sure you're both working on this. And good luck with it hope it goes well.

i think you also need you time as well as couple time.
Do you get a lie in at the weekend. Does he ever get up in the night with the children?

Its easy to feel resentful when youre the one at home. Its so full on yet mind numbing.

You need to tell him you think youre losing your bond as a couple and you feel hes losing his bond with the children and its worrying you. If hes the good man that you say he is, he will want to work to fix it.
It might be worth couples counselling before it gets too bad too

Well I just called DH to check we really do have no plans on the date I have in mind and I havent forgotten anything - the plan can go ahead. I'm going to book us a room at our favourite hotel (we went there once before our eldest was born so will be lovely to go back).

When I checked the date with him, he said what are you thinking of doing? And I said 'well its more 'us' than me really' and he said he'd been thinking the same thing that we should have a weekend somewhere as things have been hard recently what with work so busy and him either not being around and tired when he is with us. He also said that he thinks its something we should try and do regularly.

I said I was concerned that with him not being around so much, We'd both got into the habit of doing eveything alone and if we carry on where will we end up? We agreed that all the work he's doing for us as a family is coming from a good place but that maybe we're sacrificing whats important which is time with the children.

So we had a good chat which will continue a bit later and I'll get this weekend sorted out. He told me he loved me and I didn't feel like telling him to piss off, I said it back and meant it - so its a good start :)

Thanks to everyone for your advice, I really appreciate it.

Oh and time with each other, we agreed we'd sacrificed that time as well.

Glad to hear that you're both making the right sort of plans!