difficult to know where it all started and where it will all end !

[crystalclear70]

I haven´t posted on here before but created my id a while ago..like 4 years ago...things are not crystal clear any more to me at all !! Now have two great boys aged 4 and 1 and they are my life, but relationship is a mess and so am I. Ive been trying to sort it out, but its made more difficult by fact we have language difference / cultural difference - ... everything is always my fault, and he always stays so calm..but when he does shout he never admits to it...its really confusing..he gets annoyed with me then ignores me for hours. Afterwards I get upset and angry and cant stay calm with him. which justifies his thinking even more that its me causing the problems. I think if I had more friends here I wouldn´t need him so much, but I think living in another country does make it more difficult. when my mum came over she had a go at both of us, saying we should work together more, which was really upsetting for me. he was fine of course, water off a ducks back ! I don´t know how much is my fault and how much his..I just wish he would stop blaming me and when we went to counselling together , now he just says, if you remember the psychologist told you , you should accept people how they are. its like he can turn everything round to show me , its just me. with others he is lovely, people like him. sometimes I wish they could see his behaviour at home. i m usually a calm person, but he makes my blood boil. I dont know whether to end it or not, I cry a lot and feel like such a weak mess. But maybe its just part of living with a partner, you get annoyed and hate them sometimes...sometimes I dont think he is capable of empathy, you can sit there crying and upset and he just says--have you put the milk in the fridge ? which sounds stupid but at the time I just want to scream, how can you ignore how I feel?! arghghh!!

I've been exactly where you are now.

It's called abuse. You need to get out.

OK, so you won't be able to do that straight away, you'll need to plan, you need to be brave, but you need to go.

The counselling was a mistake sadly, given him more ammunition. Come home. Bring the kids and just come home. It won't ever get any better.

I'm so sorry to be so negative, but really the fastest way to improving your life, is to get him out of it.

For the sake of the kids especially.

I agree with Houdini, this is abuse. He is manipulating and controlling you. Couples counselling is not a good idea in these cases, would you be able to go to counselling alone? That might help you to see things more clearly and realise that you are not responsible for his behaviour.

thanks for your words out there ! had another stormy day and just ended as usual with it all being my fault - this is so scary. but more scary is thinking how it will be if it goes on like this for another 4 years..He is just really angry with me, Im not saying Im perfect but you have to give the other person a chance sometimes, which he doesnt...yesterday we had to go to the docs as my little one has a heart defect and i was just worried of course, but as he had really criticised me the night before, I was upset as well and in a moment of weakness asked him to acknowledge that and just give me a hug (sounds crap I know!). He couldnt deal with it and of course it blew up again. not good. the worst thing is that I like him as a person, I mean I can see why people like him and think if we didnt have so much stress we would be fine..but maybe I am just kidding myself and as my parents separated (same old story) I didn´t want it to happen to my kids (it was worse after than before for them as they just bitched their way through our visits to one parent and the other etc.). I dont know...if he doesnt give me a break, it wont work either...he s just really worked up, I have tried not to respond now which of course is better for me. We have just bought a house here and there is loads to do (adding to stress of course). Seems like a crap moment to split ie more scary..but maybe Im making excuses. I dont know if I can come home after all this...I guess I would leave it til the youngest starts school if I did as childcare would be too expensive and I wouldnt want them to grow up not seeing their dad. I did chat to a counsellor, but it all got a bit like "well why are you with him anyway" type of thing which just made me feel like an idiot. You ve probably guessed my self esteem is nowhere at the moment. I ve made friends with a really nice girl with two kids who lives nearby which is a plus ! anyways enough waffling for today ! thanks again !

Please read WHY DOES HE DO THAT bu Lundy Bancroft. It'll really help you see the dynamic here.

He's not angry, not really, he's manufacturing that anger. It's to control you.

These men don't get any better, only worse. There is no crap time to split from these bullies. Today is just fine, or tomorrow, or whenever you can.

Staying 4 years is not an option. He'll be god knows how many times worse in way shorter time span than that.

Read the words of the poor woman who had her eyes gouged out, OK so her P was extreme, but the normalisation she used was the same wording we've all used. The only difference is that we're either out (as in my case) or about to be brave, and plan to get yourself and the DC out (as you now need to)

Go get some advice from the CAB, they can advise you on childcare costs and what help you'd get. Your H would have to pay maintenance, the CSA would make him.

Oh and change your counsellor - he/she is the idiot. Call woman's Aid, they'll listen to you and understand, as we all do here.

Keep posting, keep strong and start planning your escape. It could take awhile, so the sooner you start the less time you'll waste, the less you'll kick yourself, and the less your DC are going to be harmed.

Oh and growing up not seeing their dad would actually be GOOD for your children.nhe's an abuser, he's abusing them too, through you.