Ex husband making me depressed / crazy / angry / bitter - please help ! VERY LONG _ SORRY.

[dairyleadunker]

Have lurked around for advice for a couple of years - never really posted anything though. But now my real life situation is scaring me as I am running out of people to turn to and desperately need advice - pelase bear with me as it is very long.
Me and my ex husband got together when I was 16 him 18, very very young, had son at 19 and then got married. There was domestic violence throughout on and off - he was always very apologetic after, blamed it on growing up without his dad who died and smoking weed from a young age. I always tried to look for the best , thought he would 'grow out of it' and desperately wanted my marriage to work and my son to grow up with his dad and also did not want my husband or his domineering mother to accuse me of taking my son away from them.
Fast forward 6 years - daughter came along. Physical abuse decreased but replaced by frequent emotional / verbal abuse. Criticism of everything and anything I did or said. Major complaint of his being my weight gain - he told me he would never stay with me if I got fat (even his mom reminded me of that) and as I put on 3 stone after two children this was a constant hurdle. Got to the point I think I became depressed when my daughter was about 6 months as I had other family problems to deal with / stress at university and the constant criticism from my husband and the cold atmosphere at home just drained me. Fortunately around this time he announced he no longer wanted to be married he felt contained and unhappy being married and he wanted to get divorced. he said this April 2011 but said he would sleep on the sofa until December 2011 when he could afford to move out. April- August was hell - abuse worsened - had to call the police and as part of his bail conditions not to come near me he moved out to his mothers. YAY !

Freedom !!!! August - January 2012 - new lease of life - i did all daily childcare myself anyway so did not have to miss him in anyway - kids still saw him twice a week as he was very good with contact and he paid me double CSA amount so financially it wasnt a struggle either.

Need to add from April till about October / November there was no physical contact of any sort between us. Then all of a sudden he tried kissing me when kids had gone to bed / telling me we had something special/ asking if Id been on any dates ?? All the time I knew he was sleeping with other girls - that was inevitable but he denied it even though we werent together and were sorting out the divorce???

JAnuary - found out about another woman via a bank statement she had put £2500 in his account. Told him I knew about her and was going to file for divorce - he said no he loves me divorce is too final she doesnt mean anything. Then over the next few months all i heard from him is how he is using girls for money / sex he is out for himself and what he can get no feelings involved with anyone. Rollercoaster of emotions from JAnuary - present. One day he loves me but cant be with me as he says hes not good enough / doesnt want to fully commit wants to see other girls on the side/ then he says i dragged him down financially as he had to pay the bills while i was at uni / we didnt work out as he is no good for me / he wants no contact / he wants to be friends go for meals together with the kids/ he tries to kiss me / tells me i look nice - never ever said this in our last couple of years together ( I have lost a stone since t). he is adamant he wants a divoprce yet when he is low he has said twice could i forgive and forget and take him back as he knows what hes lost and he still loves me. On two occassions since he has phoned me saying he is suicidal - he feels low and wants to end it all. then perks up bakc to normal the next day and keeps busy.

Anyway - found out he went abroad for a long weekend with new girlfriend and her daughter to where his dads family live who he has not visted in the last ten years. She didnt meet the family but she spent the rest of teh time with him. he did not tell me i found out from a receipt - he lied told me he was going alone. I was shocked !!! He told me he didnt care for any of these girls yet to me that shows a relationship with her. He said he only told her about his dad when he was low and she booked the tickets as a surprise i said he should have told me he cares about her so much and it was serious - he said he cares for her as she gives him so much - apparantly i stopped giving. She provides him with moneyb , a nice place to saty as a break form his moms, cooked dinners, comapny and obviously regular sex. He gets on with her and she is a nice person - he can see her and be nice to her , not criticise / lose his temper - because he only has to see her a few days , she does not burden him financilly and he sees other girls on the side without feeling guilty. he plans to stay with her for 18 months after which he will ahve his own money ( work shares) to move on himself. He cant do that with me. Those were his words.

My dilemma and what has made me go crazy is although he has tried to be amicable and more reasonable in the last few eeks ( maybe her influence ??) there was a further incident of domestic violence Febraury which my son witnessed and polcie were called. The verbal abuse / criticism returns whenever we get into discussions of money and the divorce settlement.
His new girlfriend texted me out of the blue advising me to leave him alone and stop the constant texts I send ( where I am forever questionsing why in his own words ' he treats her better' - what did i do worng ? what was so bad about me / why couldnt he work through those issues for the sake of his kids? / why dioes a girl he has known a few months get treated like royalty never a bad word said - yet I as the mother of his kids seem to be the only perso that has to see the worst side of him !!!) as I am making him ill and i should be grateful my kids have such a good dad. I dont know if i did the right thing but i had to text her back a few home truths about the 'great dad' he is what he put me and the kids through and also how he tried to kiss me last week and told me he loved me and how in his own words said 'he is using her'. This resulted in more drama with ex who then locked me and children in flat until i gave him a key for the new locks and called me threatening to kill me and make my life hell but the police charged him with harrassment. He is now on bail so no conatct - need to use this time to get my head around this whole mess and get strong.

Problem is my ex is Mr charming in front of everyone - he can be with me when he wants to - he is the worlds best liar - he was never charged in August / February as in his own words he is a 'f***g mastermind' and everyone works to his 'game plan' (to get rich). Yet I always end up feeling sorry for him - he told me once he regrets what he did to me as I really did at one point love him and I was a good friend to him. He says he loves me but he knows he cant love properly but hell never care for anyone how he did me. He told me when he loks at me it is tainted as he sees all the bad he has done - thats not there with another girl. He told me only last week he has no one and no real friends which he doesnt. I can understand why he clung to this girl and I feel bad I may have ruined the 'fresh start' he kept asking for yet i feel unjust as he should have stopped all inappropriate behaviour with me - trying to kiss me / being verbally abusive.

I am sorry this is so long but this is my messy life. If in anyway at all you can give me ssome perspective on it I would appreciate it. I am at my wits end. Fell very low and need to work out how to be a good mom and move forward.
Any help would be appreciated. Please be honest but not too harsh - like I said I was young when I met him I still think some of those silly teenage emotions are there - I am just so drained by the last few months I cant see clearly and need some logical reasoning and advice from someone outside real life.

Thanks.

Leverette might have been blunt - but said it all.

You need to sort yourself out in your mind - read the Bancroft book that's often cited in the relationships threads - this man is doing you no good. His behaviour towards you is controlling. He is only thinking of himself and your wellbeing is of no consequence in his world. THe man you loved is not the real person.

You need to get the divorce sorted (I can't think that adultery will be too hard to prove) and finalise the split and then move on with your life.

Your post is very long as so much has happened to you, but my reply will be rather brief: you must keep out of his way, for ever. There is such a catalogue of physical, emotional and other types of abuse here, you mustn't weaken now as you have done so well.

If contact with the children is restarted, it surely will be in a contact centre anyway (given his police charges)? So, you don't need to be in contact with him at all.

As Levertte says, you may feel you love him, but you are doing the right thing by protecting yourself and your children by taking them out of this mess. Remain strong, you can do it.

Thank you for responding. Blunt is what I needed. Yes the divorce needs to be finalised but that brings its own problems - arguments over the joint property / his shares - he has always said money is his priorty so me asking for 50% of the savings after divorce so I can a fresh start for me and the kids gives him extra reason to hate me and blame me for everything bad in his life.

Its silly but despite everything my mind keeps playing out that he cared for this girl not me , how could he treat her so much better? Why me ? The relationship did get stale, we didnt do much together with two young kids and I put on weight. But then to know he is dating - taking her out shopping and for emals - going ut with her and her kid (!) - he says he treats her better and is nice to her - that just cuts me up and its like kicking me when i'm down. I dont think Ive ever felt so jealous of anyone and yet its silly because I know how he was with me. I just wonder why she gets the nice side and I got the worst.

The divorce means we're not married. We havent been together for a year so thats fine. Watching him move on so easily and change in his attitude to someone else is hard. Knowing that I will always have to have him in my life is difficult. And it feels like moving on from him and how hes affected me is imposisble.

Thanks - will look for the bancroft book.

x thanks x.

it sounds like he cant be alone and these women have pitied him and took him under their wing, what a con man! how old are you and the dc?

it feels such a relief to get another perspective. Everyone else just sees Mr Charming - he has a well paid job pays more than enough maintenance has kids every Saturday night to sleep - they watch movies / go out to eat. He has them one week night too. My son looks up to him even though he has had to pull him off Mommy and say stop daddy you will hurt mommy. Hes confused and i do say to my ex that he has scarred my son emotionally. He panics if the place is untidy and tells me daddy will tell you off mommy tidy up. He looks at my tummy and says daddy has another girlfriend because your tummy got big.

I feel its just me he is this way with. And he has let the kids see and hear it too. So how can he be so guarded and on his best behaviour with someone else and me and his own children suffer?

His mom came round yesterday telling me I never have anything good to say about him she wanted to take the kids to see him at hers tomorrow evening like usual, I said no she can have them in the week when hes at work. HAve to saty strong but it is so hard - part of me feels like phoning to drop the charges but he needs to know he cant get away with how he talks to me. Instead him and his mom just blame me for calling the police instead of looking at what he actually said and did.

Im rambling - going to take the kids out but will pop back. Thanks for bearing with me - I really do appreciate you even reading it because it allows me to offload.

Don't be hard on yourself - he is messing with your emotions, he knows you well enough to know what will work.

And as for why is he nice to her- well every abuser has to start off nicely, otherwise they would never reel anyone in!

Try and concentrate on being positively free of his unhealthy influence. I know it won't be easy to forget him, but see if you can work on enjoying life and the things that you like. His new woman will get to know what he's like soon enough. And in the meantime you need to concentrate on strengthening yourself . Good luck. I hope you will soon be able to look back at where you are now and be really pleased that he's gone.

Do you see how he's got your son involved in his vile ways? Do you want your son to be like this with his partners in the future? What example of fatherhood is he giving to his son ? One where it is acceptable to abandon your wife for a newer model and compare and contrast... Not an example I would want my son to grow up with.

Ps- don't ever feel guilty about calling the police- you didn't cause that situation. Imagine if you turned the situation round and you were behaving like him to someone else. Would you blame them if they called the police? No way. Sounds like his mum's tolerance of his bad behaviour is not helping. But you are in the right, and they ate trying to manipulate you.

Dairyleadunker, you have written hundreds of words here and nearly all of them are about him. What he's doing, where he's been, what he's said, and what he (claims) to want.

What about you? What do you want from your life? Where do you want to be in a year, two years, five years? This is the only life you'll ever have. What do you want to do with it?

Whatever it is that's very badly broken within your ex will not be fixed by you putting your own life on hold while immersing yourself in what's happening in his. It's very clear that he'll tell you one thing and then something completely different depending on what has the best chance to get what he wants. The only realistic way to deal with liars like that is to ignore what he says and, instead, pay attention to what he does. What he does is mess women around and treat them like pieces in a game, there to be manipulated into serving him, rather than human beings with their own feelings and right to be treated with respect.

He trapped you in your home until he got your new keys? Then you change the locks again and never let him over the doorstep. Ever. He has shown himself to be utterly untrustworthy. Don't let him try to persuade you otherwise.

You don't have to talk to him about what's going on in his life. You can put the phone down and ignore the texts. You are allowed to.

Wise words from Snorbs

Yep OP very wise advice on here which I can't better..
It doesn't matter if he's Mr Charming in public. Many of these wankers are. You know the truth.

You say he's Mr Charming to everyone else, but he's been arrested at least twice for violence and harassment.

Remind him, and his mother, and anyone who has been taken in by the Mr Charming act of that particular, salient fact.

Cut all contact with this man today. Anything that needs to be sorted out re divorce, finances etc should be done via your solicitor, you shouldn't speak to him, email him, text him or see him at all. He is a worthless conman with a police record, you will have no trouble getting a non-molestation order forbidding him to come anywhere near you.
Now it's time to do a little work on yourself: did you have an abusive father or something? You have the bar set very, very low on what makes a lovable man, which often happens with women who have been abused (oh and by the way do NOT date anyone for at least a year or the next one will be just as much of a tosser, only a different type of tosser). You need to get your boundaries and self-esteem sorted out, and a counsellor or the Freedom Programme will help you.
Best of luck.

I agree with everything said above. May I stress 2 points again

1. PLEASE go to the Freedom Program
   ( www.freedomprogramme.co.uk ), and read their book Living With The Dominator

2. make sure in view of his convictions that he ONLY sees the children at a contact centre under direct supervision, so he does not wreak any further havoc in their lives (look at what your son has picked up already!)

I would also have everything, from contact to maintenance payments, regulated by the courts!

Time to get tough and look after yourself, and protect yourself and your kids- he is truly evil. He will only be "better" to his new woman for a short time. He knows nothing else, look at his mother!
Have a look at THIS

Pity the other girls, really, truly pity them. Because he is being nice to them, will reel them in but is not actually capable of being nice to them in the long term. You are at a huge advantage in that you know what he's like so can't be suckered in.

He isnt that nice to the other girl. She is supporting him emotionally and financially, and you only have HIS word that she is happy with him seeing other girls and planning to move out in 18m. Also she is obviously not happy about you, or what she has been told about you. It sounds like she is his next victim, you have been through it- she still has it to come. Maybe she gives/does all this stuff because she is too scared not to...
dont worry about her, or any of his girls. Just keep yourself and your kids safe and away from him.
And so what if asking for money makes him cross - those are his kids. make all correspondance through solicitors and let them sort it all out. Distance yourself totally from him and his chaos. You dont need to prove anything to anyone, you know the truth about what he is, and eventually it will all come back to him one way or the other.

He did you a massive favour when he left! What a scumbag!

Don't drop the charges!

The way he treated you is nothing to do with you and all to do with him. He'll treat the girlfriend the same eventually.

Sounds like you could do with some counselling to get your head around this and to help with your confidence and feelings of self worth.

He's a money grabbing using scumbag. He tells you this himself, its quite clear from what he says and his actions, listen to him!

Oh OP.

He tells you he is nicer to the other girl to try and justify what he did to you. He's saying 'look you made me do it, she doesn't'. Well guess what, you did not make him do it. Neither will the other girl, but it will happen

This weasel takes absolutely no responsibility for anything he has done to you. Saying 'sorry, but it was your fault' is not acceptance.

You need to accept it is not your fault, never was.
You need to accept this is who he is and who he will continue to be.

Why did you get with him in the first place? Because he was nice? Charming? Funny? Abusers all start out like that. They don't meet you for a drink then punch you in the face. That takes months/years of emotional & financial abuse sometimes.

Please, please waste no more time wondering why he is nice to her. He is trying to make you jealous and think that you'll put up with him for the times he is nice. He is trying to make you think you can't do this without him.

Keep re-reading what your son has said to you, as painful as it is, that is why you must eradicate this man from your life.

Good luck & stay strong x