If neighbour's DH is having an affair, should I tell her?

[ChocolateBiscuitCake]

Every school holidays, our neighbours take themselves off to their second home abroad. The husband stays behind and then joins his wife and children at some point. In the past me and DH have speculated that something seems odd because the husband has female friends over whilst his wife is away (nothing wrong with female friends per se, but I know DH doesn't really have any!).

He is currently at home (wife and children away) and this morning (about 6am) I had a rather rude awakening to the sounds of a woman's orgasmic moaning...nice!

It is none of my business and I don't want this to be any of my business. But as a woman, I think she has the right to know.

Do I tell her? How do you tell her?

WWYD?

You don't tell her anything, because it's not a fact, it's a suspicion.

I'd be likely to hint to him that you are suspicious and see how he handles it.

Other than that, Don't Get Involved!

Assuming you are friends with the neighbours, I would tell the DH that you know and that you feel that you will have to tell his wife but wanted him to have the chance to first.

I have always maintained that this is what I would do if I found out that one half of a couple I knew was having an affair - haven't had to do it yet but it seems the right path to me.

Say to him you are sorry to see he has split up with his wife....

How do you know the woman was sleeping with him? Could he have had a couple over to stay?

Is she a friend? Maybe she knows but would rather pretend not to? There is no winning way forward.

Oh it makes me so sad - they have three divine children and I can't believe he is being such an arse. The poor wife.

I definitely don't want to get involved.

It will be rather sickening watching them together when she returns :(

ChipMOnkey - our master bedrooms are adjoining and she was very loud!

ragged there is a chance that she knows - there are some nights where they have the most terrible arguments that really haunt me. I can't hear the content but she sounds so distressed.

Idon'twanttobefatanymore - I don't want to be fat anymore either!!!

(ditto re: the fat)
Could it possibly be that he was alone, but watching something on TV?

My DH had an affair and I would have wanted to be told so I could have nipped it in the bud sooner.

Having said that, a colleague at work was having an affair and his wife is beautiful and sweet and a wonderful mum to three beautiful children. I agonised over what to do but didn't have the nerve to get involved. It's a couple of years later and I still don't know if I did the right thing.

I really hope that she doesn't know and is just tolerating it because she's too scared to leave. I feel depressed thinking about this. Why do men (always feels like it's men but I guess it can't always be men) do this?

Are you sure it was him? It's possible that couple stayed round who are friends and had the bed, isn't it? If not, I would DESPERATELY want to be told if it were me. Sometimes, when a relationship is going badly, people flail around for years trying to do the right thing and stay for the children or because they think they're going mad. It could be she needs this evidence to support something she's ben struggling with for years.

My sister had an affair and someone anonymous wrote a letter to her husband to tell him. It destroyed her completely and gave her panic attacks and anxiety for months. He won't expect anyone else to be interested or know.

One of the worst things about an affair is after you find out, thinking how many others must have known. it feels humiliating. If you tell her, do so with utmost respect and in person if possible. The husband won't thank you though and you will probably have to live next to them for a good while longer...!

Maybe he was watching porn?

Thanks for all your thoughts.

MissPOlly - if she was a good friend of mine, I would tell her without a second thought (although sensitively!). But she is not - we have a neighbourly relationship. So I guess I have answered my own dilemma and will pretend I heard nothing.

clam perhaps he was watching 6am porn??!!

Vander Hadn't thought about having to live next to them if the truth came out...definitely a reason to keep quiet!

You could cough really loudly, right next to the adjoining wall, so he would know you'd heard.

And you could wash your car outside your house so that you'd see her leaving, and he would know you'd seen her.

I love my neighbours and would hate to think of someone cheating on either of them.

Keep your nose well out

Second keep your nose out. You have no idea what's going on in their relationship, and it is absolutely nothing to do with you. You could cause so much pain for them if you start down this path without all the facts OR any reason to really care. Keep out of their business, and just avoid them if it's too difficult for you "as a woman".

This is really none of your business, and you dont know that she doesn't already know and tolerate this, in which case it would be pretty unhelpful for you to be saying anything.

I think I would have to say something. I couldn't keep secrets for someone I thought was cheating on his family. If its all innocent he has nothing to worry about.

Why not go over there. "I'm so sorry, this is really embarrassing, but last night, the, erm, intimate noises were keeping us awake. We'd be very grateful if you could keep it down."

You have addressed the point that concerns you. You haven't accused him of anything. If it is innocent/agreed/loud porn then he's nothing to worry about. But he knows that you know.

Are these women friends or prostitutes?

I'd shout out BE QUIET NEXT DOOR next time.....worked here

Vander it is tough really that your sister had panic attacks isn't it? She was cheating on her husband! Same for this husband, bit tough really if someone tells his wife if he has been shagging around.

I would say absolutely nothing, I can't believe people think it's ok to call at a neighbour's house, one you are not even that friendly with, and accuse her husband of having an affair.

Perhaps she already knows and doesn't want to explain to you why.

Perhaps she kind of knows and is happy to turn a blind eye

Perhaps it was a friend of his staying over/watching porn (not many people wake up at 6am to have sex, let alone watch porn, the time is irrelevant)

It would be incredibly easy to explain away, too. You will look like the vindictive interfering old bag next door and he'll get off scott free ayway.