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Original poster

My partner's female friend

25 replies

missmouseflaps · 12/04/2012 11:36

I have an issue (as my bf likes to call it) with my bf's female friend. They have been friend's for 10 years. I have been with my bf for 5 years. She is 10 years older than me and speaks to me like a 12 year old (I am 28). When our dd was born, I felt like she was constantly judging me on my parental choices. She is rude and obnoxious. However, my bf is getting annoyed with me for not liking her and I think it is affecting our relationship. I need to learn to accept her, but she frustrates me so much. It is difficult to avoid her as my daughter is friends with her son.

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 12/04/2012 11:46

If your issue is really with her behaviour towards you, can you tackle her directly on it? You know, "Did you mean to be so rude?", "I find [whatever was just said] upsetting, Friend."

camaleon · 12/04/2012 11:47

Of course you can avoid her. Why is it relevant that she is a female friend? Make your boyfriend meet her and your kids when you are not around. It is not that strange not to like all your partners' friends. You do not need to 'accept' anything. You do not like her and you do not want to spend time with her. This may mean less time for your boyfriend and daughter with them but it is a compromise.

Original poster
missmouseflaps · 12/04/2012 11:49

Thank you. It is something that I have challenged her on a number of times. I have distanced myself from her in the past but I hear from others that she is not happy with me for doing so. It is something I think that I need to learn to live with.

OP posts:
Original poster
missmouseflaps · 12/04/2012 11:50

2 very different people.

OP posts:
camaleon · 12/04/2012 11:54

Why do you care if she is happy or not with it? She does not sound like a good person to be around to be honest. Life is too short for this kind of forced relationship. I would stay very far away

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 12/04/2012 11:54

If you have challenged her, then distanced yourself from her if she would not alter her behaviour, then you have done well.

It's really not your problem if she's not happy with the result.

If your boyfriend is pissy about it to you, then you do have a problem, though. How does/would he react to this: "Look, BF, I do not like the way Friend treats me. I have told her, and she has not altered her behaviour (as is her right). But since I still refuse to be treated that way, I now choose not to see her. Can you respect that?"

doctordwt · 12/04/2012 11:56

So she's not happy? Do you still ever see her? What is the dynamic - do you feel forced into the 'humble child' role with her, or are you happy to ignore/be spiky back and therefore there is little friendliness between you?

Because if you are in a position to see her, you might at well bring it up. 'I hear you're not happy with me distancing myself from you. Just to make it clear, I don't particularly enjoy spending time with you because I find your attitude towards me rude and dismissive. If you'd like to build a closer relationship, I'm sorry but I'd suggest you rethink on why you feel it's acceptable to speak to me as if I'm about 12 (smile) - it doesn't exactly do you any favours on the old gaining friends front. Ok?'

If you can be that direct with her, do it. If she doesn't like it, well, what's to lose? One thing you don't have to do is learn to accept anyone treating you rudely, which I suggest you also point out to your boyfriend (again with a confident smile). As long as you're not stopping him from seeing her, it's perfectly fine for you to say - 'thanks, but I find her rude and boorish. I'll pass on lunch, cheers!'

If he has a problem with the two of you not getting on, tell him you have no problem with him suggesting to her that she treats you politely and respectfully.

Original poster
missmouseflaps · 12/04/2012 12:04

Thank you. Lots of good advice. I think I need to be more open with her about my feelings. I will not be loosing anything if she kicks off. My bf has said it is a shame we don't get on, but continues to arrange family days and even camping trips with them. Ahhhh!

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 12/04/2012 12:08

Your last post sounds like the tensions in the you-BF and you-Friend triangle are not all that high.

Yes, it is a very good idea to openly state what you do not find acceptable, to her face, in the moment. Even if she is reasonable, it may take many (consistent) attempts before you get a result, in teh form of more respectful behaviour from her.

And if you don't get that result, then you'll know where you stand. But it is true that you can't expect better behaviour from people if you don't make it clear to them that that's what you require.

coppertop · 12/04/2012 12:10

I don't think your bf should be getting annoyed with you for not liking his friend. I think it's reasonable for him to expect you to be civil towards her if you happen to in her presence but certainly you shouldn't have to like her.

coppertop · 12/04/2012 12:13

X-posted. Arranging for you to spend time with the friend is unfair and your bf needs to show more consideration for your feelings rather than just his friends.

ImperialBlether · 12/04/2012 12:30

Does this friend have a partner? If so, what does he make of it?

doctordwt · 12/04/2012 12:58

I'd certainly be saying no to the camping trips.

Would you continue to push and force and foist one of your friends on your boyfriend, if he had made it clear that he didn't particularly enjoy their company? Ask him how he'd feel if you did.

This friend has no 'free pass' to your family. Your boyfriend is free to spend time with her as he wishes: he is not free to make decisions on how the whole family spend their time without consultation with you.

Mumsyblouse · 12/04/2012 12:59

I wouldn't want to hang out a large amount with a family I didn't get on with, whether male/female parent. Once a year might be fine for me, but regular outings with everyone, no, no, no. Sounds like she might enjoy it more without you there too, if you've no objection, then just send them out for the day together (I would say I was working/need a rest). Ask your bf not to arrange any more cosy trips, but say you are happy for them to go out together and to see each other the odd time as a couple (e.g. bbq if lots of friends there).

ImperialBlether · 12/04/2012 15:57

I am increasingly suspicious of this woman's motives, tbh.

boredandrestless · 12/04/2012 16:02

You do not have to spend time with someone who is rude, judgemental, and treats you like a child. Point out to him you will no longer spend time with her, and that any days out or trips arranged will not be attended by you.

ImperialBlether · 12/04/2012 17:21

How serious is your relationship with your boyfriend?

Original poster
missmouseflaps · 12/04/2012 22:26

We've. Been together for 5 years and have a 2.5year old daughter. This friend has a partner and 2 children.

OP posts:
Doha · 12/04/2012 22:32

If he wants to go camping let him. You don't have to go.
She is his friend not yours. Your DP should be supporting you and be understanding of your rerasons not to go If he was not supportive l would be questioning his commitment to you and just how important she is in his life.
Your wishes and feelings should come first.

MidnightsChild · 12/04/2012 22:50

I'm not sure what the gender of the friendship has to do with anything. One of my closest friends is male, worse (in many people's eyes) he's an ex. Our friendship has flourished through periods of singledom on both sides, relationships alternately, to now relationships on both sides. You see, we're both grown-ups. We value each other's friendship very highly, but we respect each other's desire to be in a relationship with someone else.

The key thing here is that neither of us are rude and obnoxious towards the partner of our friend, for the simple reason that is just not acceptable behaviour. If you've tried to handle it direct with the friend and its continued, then your partner needs to handle it with his friend, or he needs to accept that he will have to socialise with that friend without you. After all, you are not asking him to choose between the two of you, you are just asking him to respect you and not stand there whilst his friend mistreats you.

Sorry OP, but I really don't see that you have anything to learn or accept here, but your BF does.

WhereEaglesDare · 12/04/2012 23:01

YOU DON'T HAVE TO FORCE YOURSELF to be her friend if you don't like her and your partner should support you not HER!!! That's madness that she is rude to you and your partner is even having a go at you. It's a NO NO ....Please open your eyes and value your self---please...

Nyac · 12/04/2012 23:03

Remember Camilla.

PooPooInMyToes · 12/04/2012 23:04

What does she do that is rude?

AnyFucker · 12/04/2012 23:06

I would be more suspicious of your partner here, OP, not this woman

DinahMoHum · 12/04/2012 23:18

does he think you should get on because youre both women?

What does he say when she speaks to you rudely and what has she said?

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