DH has let us down, is it unfair of me to be grumpy with him?

[justfortoday2012]

DH decided not to join DD and I on an Easter Trip with my family to a holiday cottage in Ireland.

He is a sportsman and originally agreed to come providing his team didn't make it to the finals of a tournament that would be played over the Easter weekend. His team didn't make it but he wouldn't come, despite the trip being a rare opportunity for us to spend some quality time altogether.

I was really hurt and disappointed by his decision. He knew this but decided not to come. His reasoning was that he really needed to train and sharpen his skills. I do appreciate that his job relies on him training but I also feel that he needs to sometimes prioritise his family over his job.

So DD and I returned today. DH is dupe used to find that I am still upset with him. He expected me to just let it go. I can't though, I am really hurt. I don't feel like talking to him and I am not ready to forgive him. He has apologised but I feel that words are easy to say sometimes.

I really don't know what to do. I am worried that I am being childish and I know I cant give him the cold shoulder for ever, but I don't know how to handle my anger.

Any advice would be very very welcome.

Sorry, 'dupe used' should say surprised.

I don't know what "DH is dupe used" means. But anyway, it sounds as if this isn't all that uncommon, that you are usually forgiving but had enough this time? You need a good chat. :)

Is he a professional sportsman?

izzy yes he is a professional sportsman. Makes his money from playing and coaching in his sport. I work too and we bring in about the same amount of money as him.

loopy DH trains and practices hard, including many evenings and weekends. There are many times that I wish he was at home when he is working (playing, coaching or training) but I also support him in his field and accept it as part of his job.

However, his decision to stay at home over Easter was a step too far for me. I'm so upset and angry.

I think you need to have a chat, particularly one that says "I know you have apologised, I accept your apology but I am still hurting and upset that you chose your job over us and I was really looking forward to us spending some time together, so you're going to have to bear with me because I can't just smile and say its ok because it isn't to me just yet."

Sorry is not always a magic word IMO

I think agreeing to come and then making excuses, however good is pushing it.

I would have blown my top, but I'm not charitable about work home balance. I'm a SAHM and I only stay sane if I have adult company and time away from my four walls.

My husband also works very hard and has in the past been unable to do family things and to be honest although I am so angry at the time I think it is best to put it down to one of those things. Life isn't perfect and sometimes busy working schedules etc get in the way. What I try to do is think well I know he would rather be spending time with his family than doing xy and z and at the end of the day he is doing the work to make sure we have an income and security

I think you need to look him in the eye and say 'Your job cannot come before your family every time. This is the beginning of what will happen if it does. I'm not just angry at you, I'm furious and sad for our family. Apologising doesn't change a thing about that and doesn't undo the damage.'

Given that he clearly spends so much potential family time on his career already, I don't think that that's an unfair thing to say.

I think they need to find some time when they can do family things when he has free time. If u say to him u have to choose your job over family then aren't you just shooting yourself in the foot? Don't we need to support our men to make money and support the family especially in these economic times? Believe me no one knows more how u feel but I married him Boeing his work ethic and it's one of the reasons I live him so much that he has drive etc. I just think u need to work with him and try to do family stuff when u can. Easier said than done but saying we have to do it on this date and this date is obviously not workable with this mans job

postlady - sorry, but I think you need to read the OP again. He did not have to work at Easter - he chose to stay home because he wanted to.

OP - you need to have a serious discussion with him about why he chose to stay home alone at Easter rather than go with you when, for once, he wasn't working and could have gone. It seems incredibly selfish and nasty to me :( If he's trying to tell you he isn't happy in your relationship he needs to talk about it properly. If he didn't want to go with your parents he needs to talk to you about it properly. Whatever made him think it was reasonable to let you down like this he needs to talk to you about it properly..... :) He needs to talk to you - not just make lame apologies!!

I don't think it's unfair of you, either. I think it's something of a crunch point: you are realising that you either have to put your foot down with this man or spend the rest of your days with family life revolving around his wants and needs. An awful lot of men consider themselves to be the personin a family, and their wives and children accessories/facilities.

You may have to decide to get rid of him, of course, because he may continue to prioritize himself over the rest of you and you may decide that this is no way to live. If you do bin him, you'll still get financial support from him.

Thank you all for your understanding and for the suggestions as to which words to use to express how I am feeling- its hard to choose words wisely when I'm so wound up!!

Post believe me, I do support him in his work to a degree that many partners would find unacceptable. Plus, I also work hard myself.

This was a rare chance for us to spend time together, he did not have to train hard over Easter but he chose to do so.

Chipping, he insists his reasons for staying were the need to train. It's not cut and dry I guess as obviously he needs to train as much as possible and the results are not quantifiable in terms of earnings, but he should allow time for us too. IMO he was putting what he wanted first (training, time to himself, watching the Masters ) at a time when he had a chance to put us first.

I can't forgive his selfishness at the moment but I have no intention of breaking up our marriage over this. He keeps saying "there's nothing I can do to change it is there?". I want to shout and rant, tell him to leave me alone and cry- all very childish compared to having a proper talk!!!!

You can say exactly that. You can say 'When you say there is nothing you can do to change this choice that you made, I want to shout, cry and tell you to leave me alone. I feel so angry.'

SGB I'm livid but I don't want to bin him. I appreciate that some posters might think that is the way forward and i respect their views but it's not what I want to do.

I am lucky that I have no financial pressures that make me afraid of ending our marriage. I am able to support DD and me by myself if necessary. I'm quite proud about that which makes me sound a bit weird doesn't it?

You don't sound weird in the least well no weirder than the rest of us. Appreciate that you don't want to bin him but it's good to be in the position where you're not afraid to do so should he turn into a complete arsehole.

I suppose it's going to be a matter of seeing if he's actually got how upset and angry you are and if he is going to change his behaviour in the future, or if he's going to decide that what he wants is more important than his family the next time something like this comes up.

'I want to shout and rant, tell him to leave me alone and cry'

OP, what would his reaction be if you did the above? I know it seems like the childish thing to do, but would it make him realise how hurt/angry you are? Is there a chance he is being dense and just things this a little mistake and you'll soon forget it?

I think you are in a difficult spot because of the type of job he has. What I mean is that he may just be starting a tendency to put his work before the family because he gets something out of it, rather than because he needs to. I have been there, and it took a long time to see it clearly. If they do this, they will always use work as a must-do excuse, but I suppose it is harder to spot with training.

Anyway, why couldnt he train/get some sort of exercise whilst away?

I do think it is important to have a think about the work/life balance thing, and whether you do most of the extra domestic stuff. And tell him how you feel. Also, DrD above has some good suggestions for framing the conversation - ie if we are going in this direction, the relationship will get worse, as I am not up for it.

It is hard over time, with kids and jobs, for women not to fall into a pattern of complaining but still putting up with it in practice. I certainly did. What some men do is pretend to listen, change for a fortnight, make excuses as to why this time they absolutely must etc etc. This happened with us, and even he now admits that the truth was that my complaints were water off a ducks back to him, and that he had an internal monologue about why he was always in fact in the right.

I am now 51, but I would have handled it very differently in my thirties and forties if it were now, looking back, and set some ultimatums about what was reasonable, and stuck to them. With consequences. I did eventually and life has got much pleasanter.

I think a lot of men hide behind "there's a recession on/I need to work to support the family" as justification for them actually preferring to be away from the family/home and absenting themselves from activities/chores. Not all, but some. Obviously I don't know exactly what his training requires, but could he not have gone for a long run or something whilst away with you? Would that have kept him ticking over for a couple of days?

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all - as you say, you're usually very tolerant and you recognise his need to do most of what he does. But if you roll over and swallow your anger at this point he's not going to fully appreciate what a serious issue it's become for you. Don't let him dismiss or belittle your anger by saying you're sulking, he's said sorry so let it go. As someone said, words are cheap. Let him work out (or tell him, if you know) that he's going to have to prove he's sorry by making some changes from now on.

fiventhree you are right in that he gets a lot of enjoyment and satisfaction from his work. It is hard to separate what he just wants to do from what is a 'must-do'. He is also under intense pressure to play well. All of this, plus a personality which has tendencies towards putting his own needs first can make work / life / family balance very precarious.

I think his internal monologue screams to him that he is in the right and that I just don't understand. He does accuse me of being unsupportive. I am pretty sure that I both understand and am supportive, I just need him to put us first a little more. You sound very wise fiventhree but I am afraid that ultimatums might be a step too far for me- I guess I am afraid of where they might lead.......

Ladymercy, he definitely does think it is a little mistake that I should just get over. I did cry a little yesterday when we returned from our trip and he actually said "whatever is wrong?" he just couldn't see why I am still upset!!

Clam part of what has upset me is that I'm sure that an element of his reason for staying at home was to get a break from family responsibilities, have a rest, sort his game and his head out. However, I too would love a little time out but I would never forego a family break to get it. If he had come, we could both have had some time out while we were there.

He could have done some training while away but he can do it more effectively from our home town. Apologies for being elusive about the sport- I am trying not to out myself IRL as I know we have some friends and colleagues who are MNers.

Oh no - are you Victoria Beckham?

I don't think you are remotely unreasonable.

The advice from Ladymercy is good, I think, just be straight and tell him from the heart how you feel.

You feel like he had a very rare chance to be with you as a family, and he didn't take it. I would be hurt too.

Both me and my husband have jobs which require the other one to look after the children/take holidays occasionally without the other one. But the difference is that it's pretty even, he has weekends he can't do, and I expect the same. It is also time-limited (I'll be crazy busy for two weeks, then we can get together). This must feel endless, and like you are always losing out.

I don't think there's any harm in telling him how much you are hurt. If you want to say it nicely, don't say 'I hate your silly sport', say 'I'm hurt because I love you and I love spending time with you and I got all excited we were going to do stuff together, then you chose to stay home without us'. This tends to be more appreciated than 'you never care/see us/prioritize us'. But, he needs to see this for the warning bell that it is.

Imperial erm no I'm not Victoria Beckham, although I wouldn't complain about the dedication to sport if DH was David!!

Mumsy, you have hit the nail on the head, thank you (and everyone) for your thoughtful advice.