DD's mate's dad assaulted her mum

[DumpyJumpy]

The girls go to different schools and the dad isn't keen on his dd consorting with ours. I suspect this is because the girls confide in each other and then dd confides in me. Also the dad had a row with dh a couple of years ago.

I thought he was a bit of a disciplinarian - he used to comment that we were much freer with dd than they were with their dd - but at first I put it down to parenting styles; later, I wasn't so sure, but as we were not close as families, I knew nothing, and couldn't be sure I wasn't being motivated by personal dislike.

DD's friend knows she can come here whenever she needs to. I hope that if her mum reads this then I can use this to tell her she and the children can come here too. We won't ask questions, just turn up, please.

Apparently, the dad was in custody but is now out, and presumably at home again. What, if anything, can be done? (I am assuming that the mum hasn't pressed charges.) Would SS be automatically involved, as there are vulnerable children around? Should I ring SS myself?

Unfortunately, just as I thought the mum and I were beginning to make friends (I really liked her) they moved to a different village, one where the transport links are truly awful, and they sold her car. At about the same time, the dad picked a fight with dh - didn't actually become physical, but dh said the guy was squaring up to him, and it was only for dd and friend's sakes that he defused it by apologizing (in fact, dh was being entirely reasonable). I tried to contact the mum at that point, but got no reply.

I am worried about dd's friend, as they are both at that age where they will be defiant in face of injustice - perceived or real - and I can see her pushing hard and throwing this assault in her dad's face.

I applaud her pluck, and don't want to encourage her to kow-tow or walk on eggshells, but she needs to be safe. We'll be seeing her soon and I hope to be able to help her a bit.

Wisdom, anyone?

Also, to anyone who has a 'feeling' that all is not well, follow that feeling. No idea whether it would have made things better or worse if I'd called SS two years ago, though.

I think I was hoping that the mum and I would get closer and she would start to confide in me....

The daughter should NOT engage him when he is in that mood. Explain to her that its not her fault and its not because she did anything - he is a danger all by himself and she must not make it worse with her behaviour. She mus not rely on him to be decently behaved, she must rely on herself.

If violence ensues, she must ring 999 and give her location immediately. She must lock herself in a room and not come out. If violence does ensue, then yes social services must become involved. If she tells you of anything you can make the call yourself, and it will be a good thing you do because services will look at the family and potentially prevent a fatality or a wounding etc.

A copy of the police report will have been sent to SS. They should at least call mum. It sounds as though he's isolating her both geographically and emotionally as part of the abuse. It sounds like a deeply unpleasant situation.

Very unpleasant, I think.

The isolation thing is spot on too. It did cross my mind when I heard that she'd changed her job, which took her out and about, after they'd moved, and sold her car.

If mum had pressed charges, presumably he wouldn't be allowed home?

Although SS are automatically informed when there is an incident of DV, they don't automatically investigate or do anything. So yes, I would ring and express your concerns. In our area it appears that they only investigate after 3 referals or when something really shit happens (sadly true).

So, you're advising me to call SS then? I'll see if I can glean any details over the next couple of days and then I'll ring. Do they really not necessarily do anything even when children are involved?

I suspect the poor woman may be relatively friendless and probably too worried and scared to do much. Having said that, someone must have called the cops.

I wish I could call her, but suspect that even if I had her new number, she wouldn't talk to me about it.

Can you write her a note which her daughter can give her, offering your support & a spare bed? If she knows she has some practical rl support, she may be able to make the break.

FFS don't send a note with a child! That's dangerous advice, violent abusive men get worse when they think they are losing control, if this man found the note he might attack the little girl.
Something2Say has better advice, comfort the DD and tell her to call the police and lock herself in her room if things kick off. Tell her that she can call you or come to you and so can her mother, but no notes.

SGB and seabright, tbh I would have been too scared to send a note anyway, in case he found it. If I had her phone no. I don't think I'd call in case he monitored calls. I have tried to tread carefully as I didn't want to 'make things worse'; we've known for ages that the dad is a bit of a bully.

I don't think things can be much worse now.

Usually, friend and I just have casual chats - I have engineered subjects, I hope subtly, as the girl doesn't need much encouragement, but we have not had a "sit down and talk" scenario. Do you think I should do that now, so she knows how serious we are and it is?

She must have been holding back an awful lot in the past, poor child.

How old is the child?

You could start another casual chat, and if it looks like she wants to unburden herself to you, then it can become a more serious talk.

Do make sure she knows that she has your support, that she is not at fault, that she is a wonderful girl, and that it is ok for her to feel anything she might be feeling, and that your door is always open to her. And that what her father does is wrong wrong wrong.

Poor girl.

Are there people in any position of authority/help structure where you are that she could appeal to for help, if she is a teen or older? Any system in place at school for children to speak to trusted adults about problems where authorities could be involved? Is she old enough to contact the police; does she realise that she can?

a police report finds its way to SS evntually (if there is no imminent danger)
SS call the mother ask is everything ok
mother probably says yes because she is scared not to
SS go away and record that everything is fine

presumably this was hearsay/something dd said the friend said? so you dont have much idea what really went on other than presumption it wasnt good because of everything else - and your hunch is probably right...

but yes teach your dd and the friend how to call 999, open your doors to the friend and her mother as far as you can and hope that the mother gets the courage to take steps to get away...

just keep telling the girl that she can come to you any time day or night - anytime she is scared - and her mother can too.

if she is old enough to get away herself then at least you can protect her.

then if the girl comes to you /does not want to go home - well at that point you can call SS (call council switchboard for 24 hour SS) and explain what is happening then whatever needs to be done can be done.

The girls are 12. It wouldn't surprise me if Friend had called the cops herself, when whatever happened, happened, and maybe that was why he has been in custody.

You're right, cestlavie, this is all hearsay, from Friend to dd to us. However, Friend is coming over here tomorrow, so hope to find out more without pushing too hard or appearing that my interest is prurient.

Thank you all for advice. If anything else springs to mind, it'd be great to hear it. You cannot have too much information in this situation, imo.

She's here. She doesn't really want to talk about it much, but her dad is not in the family home any more. He has been beating his wife up since she was pg with Friend. Over 12 years. He is utter utter scum. I despise him completely.

Friend seems OK, more or less. Her mum wants to chat with me sometime

They all know they can come here if they need to.

how about you let her have a look at www.thehideout.org.uk/default.aspa
(WomansAid page for children/ young people)

So glad to hear that the mum knows she can come to you, and that she wants to speak to you.

Especially glad to hear that she has managed to get scumbag out of the family home. That will have been extremely difficult for her to do.

And it's great to know that Friend can have some restorative 12-year-old fun with your DD, and a window into normal family life when she is at yours.

oh that is good .
suggest she calls local womens aid as well as solicitor to make sure he doesnt com back into their lives

Will do that. Even though he's not in their home any more, the kids still see him - Friend is seeing him this w/e, and I'm not sure that exwife isn't too. Am worried that he'll be back within 6m. WA excellent idea.