Is a mother always last on the list, or is it just me?

[lastonlist]

I'[ve name changed for this, because I'm really not sure if I'm being reasonable about this.

DH and I have been together for approx. 13 years. For most of these years, I have been the breadwinner in our house (He has other children. I do not).

I now do not work and we have two children, 2 and 3 YO. DH now acts like all money is his. I'm merely a drain on his resources. Even though he has paid through the nose alot for his other kids, he gripes about ours going to anything other than state school.

ANyway, recently, our relationship has suffered quite a bit. I feel underappreciated and overworked as a SAHM. I am sure he feels that the pressure to earn all the money is all on him.

ANyway, the other day, DH made another attempt at intimacy. I do appreciate that he would like more sex (any sex). His attempt consisted of him sticking his hand down my pants and saying 'ooh, can you feel that? I've started now'. I do not find this remotely comfortable, never mind attractive. I tried to say this in a very nice way (admitting that I understand that I do bat him off) but all I got was a barrage of 'WELL, there are lots of things I'M not happy about'

FFS. Are we really saying that I am only allowed to address my concerns once I have satisfied my children, my step children and my husband??????

I would 'give in' to sex if things got better, but the more sex he gets, the more he wants, so the day after sex, I get a good few hours of him wedging his hands down my pants saying 'you enjoyed that, didn't you' and generally enquiring about a repeat performance.

I'm certainly not the ideal wife and maybe it's me who is being completely unreasonable. I am first to admit that I make up excuses to sleep elsewhere (kids are stirring etc) or get out of it other ways (drink too much, fall asleep)

Don't know where to go at this point. He is literally not speaking to me. (I mean, he will speak to the children / say goodbye etc., but just ignore me)

It's only natural that you don't feel like being intimate with your partner if your relationship is suffering. You are NEVER obligated to be intimate with ANYONE so please don't feel bad about yourself because you're pulling away. I wouldn't find his advances enticing either!

Do you feel it's the shift in power in your relationship RE money that has been really damaging or have there been other issues?

he sounds like a tosser

OUr relationship, to me, no longer feels like a 2 way partnership, but boss - employee.

He feels he has the final say on everything.

I had managed to save a little money in mine and the children's names, but now he wants that too. Once that is gone, I have nothing.

I haven't had my hair cut at a hairdressers since last June, nor bought clothes in a similar period. That's the level of my 'unworthiness'

Oh OP, sounds like now he earns money he thinks he has control. He's a nasty bastard in my book. As for the sex thing, well that has me cringing. To be honest if a partner ever did that to me I would NEVER ever contemplate having sexual relations with him EVER again.

depends if you are a martyr or not whether you allow yourself to be "last on the list"

you can not allow it, or carry on enjoying the woe is me victim mentality

So when you were the main wage earner did YOU act like all the money was YOURS? No? Then why the fuck does he think he can? Have you tried asking him that? And what's this shit about him wanting the kids money?

Have you told him you don't get turned on by him sticking his hands in your pants? I hate that! It's so uncomfortable if you are not already turned on!

Maybe this is how he was with his first wife, once she had kids.

Don't give him your money or the kids money. Don't put up with any intimacy you don't want.

I think you are going to have to be very blunt with him. You would have thought that having been down this road once he would realise, that of you divorce him he is going to have to let the moths out of his wallet and pay.

He sounds awful and I'm inclined to agree with mummytime.

What are his reasons for taking your savings? Is it for anything specific or just a general feeling that they're 'his' too? Unless your house is falling down or your only car has just exploded and it's the last resort he sounds very greedy and grasping.

Does he actively deny you hair cuts/ new clothes etc?

This man is abusive. He doesn't consider you a human being, he sees you as a 'woman' ie a sort of cross between domestic appliance and pet. Sticking his fingers in your vagina and saying 'I've started now' is revolting: men who behave like this are not 'frustrated', they are using sex as a weapon to punish you with.

I feel obliged to disagree with sgb in that as I very much doubt that he sticks his hand in the family pet's vagina, he treats you as if you are a cross between a washing machine and a blow up doll.

I suggest that you post on the legal board or source a local solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law and who offers a free initial half-an-hour consultation so that you can be appraised of how you can legally become a permanent and extremely costly 'drain on his resources'.

As for his sexual 'come hithers' - no finesse = instant revulsion. Next time he shoves his hand down your pants, boak all over him and say 'look, you've made me come'. Twat!!!

MissFaversham has a point. The consequences of an entirely involuntary urge to bite down when administering the kiss of a life to a penis are well documented and, as far as I am aware, do not attract a prison sentence.

He is a wankstain. You are worth far, far more.

Talk to him and lay down how you feel and what a jerk he is being.