I’m new to this and would really appreciate some advice…

[MissSensitive]

I?ve been with my DP for just more than a year. I don?t have any children of my own, but my DP has a two-and-a-half year old daughter from a previous relationship. I love her and she loves me; I guess I?m lucky that I?ve come into this at such an early stage of her development. I get on well enough with my DP?s ex and she?s an amazing mum. My DP gets on with his ex too. It?s pretty much as good a situation as it can be.

But privately, I have moments where this is all really overwhelming. I?ve only had one serious relationship before this one, and that lasted for 10 years. I was never uncertain of my ex?s love for me, and I think because of my lack of relationship experience and all the other obstacles of my current situation, I often feel completely clueless about where I stand and how I feel.

My DP has never told me that he loves me. I know that this doesn?t necessarily mean that he doesn?t (he has said quite a few times that he?s not a man of many words), but I feel like I?m constantly on tenterhooks whilst he is still making up his mind. I often think that he must have told his ex that he loved her, and he has no problem saying it to his daughter. I know that the ?ex? situation is a common cause of insecurity amongst step parents but I sometimes worry that this is insurmountable for me because I?ve never even had an ex situation before, let alone an ex with a child too!

I?m just a bit lost and confused and I know that my insecurity is playing a big role in my perception of the situation, so I don?t communicate any of my feelings to my DP, afraid that he?ll just tell me that I?m being stupid (he does that quite a bit!) or that I?m right, that he doesn?t love me. And then I?ll be doubly heart broken because I love him and his DD.

I am intelligent and successful in every other area of my life, but in this relationship/step-parent arena I feel utterly useless and pathetic.

My friends are supportive, but I don?t know any other step-parents and I don?t feel that my friends fully understand my situation. Most, if not all, people I have spoken to have said that they could never take on another person?s child so my friends are used to be the first and only person in the relationship.

I know that there are worse troubles at sea, but I would really appreciate some advice from women who have been in a similar situation.

Im not in a similar situation, but you should reread this_

" so I don?t communicate any of my feelings to my DP, afraid that he?ll just tell me that I?m being stupid (he does that quite a bit!) or that I?m right, that he doesn?t love me. And then I?ll be doubly heart broken.."

-communication is your responsibility too
-tell him what you want- be assertive
-dont stay with a man who doesnt love you
-dont stay with a man who calls you stupid- he will call you worse one day.

Are those things the nub of it?

Ha, nail on the head there, fiventhree, thanks!

You're right that I seem to be expecting him to do the communicating and not me, which is absurd.

Hmm, scared, but a little clearer!

If he doesnt love you after a year, he wont ever.
If he does love you but cant say it, then why the hell not?

There is a worse thing than having bad news, and thats waiting for it.

You need him to tell you one way or the other otherwise youre wastng your time

I feel like I?m constantly on tenterhooks whilst he is still making up his mind

That doesn't sound like a lot of fun, OP. Do you think his feelings for his ex must be stronger than yours for yours, because he has a dd, or is it more that you are able to put your previous relationship behind you completely, whereas he will never be able to do that because he has a child?

All that aside, you certainly shouldn't have to feel like you are waiting for him to 'make up his mind' if he loves you. You're not on some kind of extended test drive with this guy! If you don't feel comfortable with him, and relaxed around him, it sounds like you need to say something.

Communication is a two way street, YOU know how you're feeling and what YOU want, and may think HE knows how you feel because, well, it's obvious.....isn't it?
And he could think the same about his feelings to you, he may believe you know without him saying it.
If he has no trouble communicating affection to his dd, he should be able to do the same for you.
I don't think a relationship will work if you are holding yourself back in case it goes wrong. You may be trying to protect yourself, but in the end I think it will be a self fulfilling prophecy, iyswim?

So OP he calls you stupid does he?

He's never told you he loves you after a year?

You need to put your big girl pants on here honey and tell him EXACTLY what you want or walk.