H is depressed and says he no longer loves me

[CallSignCharlie]

Long time lurker here. I don't normally post but here is a post i hoped I'd never have to write
My Dh was made redundant last autumn and has been avidly job hunting since then but with no luck . He has gradually become more withdrawn and sullen in recent weeks eating junk, not going out etc
We've also had relationship problems for a while . he told me he thinks he's grown apart from me and we no longer have anything in common). . To put in to perspective we havent shared a bed (or had sex) for about 18 months . I strongly suspect he has been in touch with women on the internet in the past but don't think he's actually having an affair
After a strained Easter weekend we had.a major conversation tonight. He basically said that our DS is the only positive thing in his life. He doesn't want to leave or split up . He broke down and started crying uncontrollably when I started talking about it. He admitted that he deoesnt think we have a future but doesn't want anything to change until he has has got a job (could be ages away) and has had help for depression (got first appointment with GP on monday )
I feel torn in two ,we've been together for 13years( one DS age 5) i love him and want to support him but he doesn't seem to want me to do anything . On the other hand he's put me in a situation where im waiting for him to get sorted so that he can leave me . I am usually very easy going and happy go lucky but i don't want o feel like a fool

Apologies if this a bit disjointed i can't really sort out in my head what's relevant and what's not .
I think what i would like to know is what i should do practically to help him and to put myself in a good position if / when he leaves me
I should also probably say i work full time in a decent job and we've been living off my wages and his redundancy for the last few months

god, this is such a mess . Never thought I'd be writing this .

Dear Callsign, I am so sorry you are going through this and well done for having addressed it at least in a proper conversation recently. Was it you who brought it up and he who broke down? It's clear there are a lot of festering issues here and that can be hard to address. this is just my opinion but my feeling is that when people feel very down on their luck and depressed/jobless/ hopeless they may well fall apart a bit but they tend to find the idea of leaving their partner and home, on top of everything else, terrifying rather than liberating.

If he has already detached enough from you to make this seem a preferable option, can you think about when this started and what was happening around that time?

I am not trying to point to an affair necessarily, and I know you think that's not the case, but bearing in mind that emotional affairs can be conducted online for years undetected, it's worth not discounting totally. The breaking down in tears, no sex, not demanding anything of you (because he feels guilty and knows it's not your fault) and attempting to half-leave as he gets his life together all point strongly to somewhere else he's distracted to.

However, if this is not the case, then the searching for employment and treatment for depression all seem like good things. Why not couples counselling too then? That would seem like a logical extension of things. If he's not willing to do that despite a child he adores then I would think very seriously about why you would want to be with him in the future and whether he's being unfaithful to you in some way and trying to get himself together to act on it.

Thank you for that great reply Vlander
Yes it was me who started the conversation today. He would be quite content to not talk and drift along as co parents and house mates
I think there is a strong possibility of an emotional affair but short of snooping around on his iPhone I don't know how I could prove it. And what good would it do if I did. Sorry if that's sounds flippant I mean I feel so unloved ignored at the moment I don't think I would feel much different if I did discover an affair.
I suggested couples counselling to him but I was against the idea a few months ago . But I think he would go for individual counselling if the GP reccome ds that at his appointment
If I'm honest there have been issues in our marriage for about 2 years and the only thing I can think of from then is that we decided not to try for a second child (I wanted another child . He didn't ) I don't know if he felt trapped by that . I certainly didn't make him feel guilty or pressure him and although I was dissapiointed at the time I accepted it and have never mentioned it since . I hindsight I don't know whether this was cause or effect of the problems
Am going to bed now but will check back in tomorrow

I think you need to consider the fact that if he is currently unemployed, and you work FT, he has plenty of time to conduct an affair

what reasons did he give for not ttc, incidentally ?

if you have read a lot of MN threads, you will realise that the "I don't love you any more" is almost invariably the precursor to being left for another person

perhaps because of employment/money/availability of also-attached OW issues, the time is not yet right for him to fully check out of your marriage

I have to say though, he is half way there already and only a change in one set of circs will finish the process

OP, time to get yourself sorted then really isn't it regarding money etc. Make an appointment with a solicitor and YOU start the ball rolling. Don't wait around for him to make HIS flipping decisions. Take it as the relationship being over. Cheeky bastard

Well he doesn't get to go 'Boohoo, I'm depressed and don't love you but you can keep on cooking and cleaning for me, just don't expect anything but whining.'
I appreciate that being out of work can very easily lead to depression but even if he does have actual depression as opposed to major self-pity, it's not a free ticket to mistreat you. Drag him to the GP, insist on him getting help, and set a time limit by which things must have improved in his behaviour or out he goes.

Did he say he'd fallen out of love with you before the redundancy? It strikes me 18 months without affection is a long time, and predates the depression caused by losing his job (although if he knew he was going to be made redundant, this will have affected his mood).

SGB's advice is good, as usual.

You need to take his depression out of the equation.

I'd go with SGBs line of thought (as usual) and hazard a guess that "having depression" is a good enough excuse for treating you appallingly.

Why do you think he's had emotional affairs on t'web?

Wow those replies have really made it all hit home . SGB you are absolutely spot on . That's exactly what he wants me to do . I guess that's what I tried and failed to say to him yesterday. I just backed off when he broke down . I knew I wasn't being unreasonable to say it I just need to take it to the next level.
He has doctors appointment on Monday to talk about the depression so that is a deadline .
Today I have been out and opened a bank a/c in my own name ( as opposed to joint account we've always used) . Also got appointment for Saturday to get some legal advice .
Bucharest. My strong suspision about emotional affair getting the stronger the more I think about it) is firstly. Too many times he's quickly closed web pages as I've walked in . Secondly . I once saw a email he'd left open on his phone . All very innocent and chatty but from a woman I didn't recognise and lastly I just have a hunch, because he went from having high sex drive to being uninterested in me . you don't just switch off those desires suddenly
Thanks again for all the advice . I really have woken up and sniffed the caffeine based beverage . Will see what solicitor says on Saturday