If could start over.. I'm not sure I'd marry DH...

[KnockedUpMell]

We've just been married a year and half. We dated for a couple of years before that, then fell pg and got married a few months before DS arrived. DS is now 1. and I am pg again. I love DS to bits but don't feel the same about DH. He is v much a type A personality and quite uptight and loses his cool easily. I am quite laid back and very little upsets me, even in stressful situations (I work in healthcare and often in emergency situations). Of course I knew this before but it's annoying me more and more. Also because I don't want my son seeing this sort of behaviour and thinking its ok/healthy to get stressed by the little things. I don't believe it's possible for DH to change... And I know somewhere in there the man I fell in live with is hiding, but everytime he loses his cool, I forget why I fell in love in the first place... And he really does lose his cool for little things, like other peoples driving, the cat jumping on the counter, his phone running out of battery etc are all things that warrant hobking and rude hand gestures or an irritated puff and stomping around the house in an irritated fashion. If I could do things over, I would have been a single parent... I was just too scared to go it alone... In reality I do 90% of the parenting anyway (and work ft)... :(

Are you still too scared to go it alone?

Do you think you could reclaim some of the feelings you had for him?

I don't think I could go it alone, with another DC on the way. Plus DS loves DH do much (and vice versa). I think I still love DH but only when he is chilled out and not losing his temper over little things. we were away for Easter and he had a massive rant because I ha thought we were checking in the bags and put in baby's moisturiser (over 100ml), and then at the last minute we didn't check it in and I forgot about it... And things like this happen ALL the time! It spoils what little time we have together. It was only bloody moisturiser at the end of the day! I don't think I will do anything, but I things continue this way we'll just drift further apart, and soon all we'll have in common is our kids...

Are you walking on his eggshells? Do you have to be careful to not set him off? Watch out for that...

When he kicks off try to go out of the room and avoid him.

I was married to a huffer and puffer. And a stomper and door slammer. And arguments about moisturiser. Grim isn't it? You have my sympathies. Just keep thinking it through and you will either find a way to stop it/deal with it or you will get fed up.

He/ you should look into a course on anger management- his GP might be able to help.

The problem with being in a proper relationship is all the bad bits...

You need to be able to speak freely to him about the things that upset you. Sometimes an inability to voice one's own needs and desires can stem from a problem with self esteem or assertiveness
A woman in your own right by Anne Dickson or actually any number of the good and helpful books by Anne Dickson might help you find the voice you need to address the subject.

It's hard to suggest constructively that someone needs to change.
Be prepared for him to be defensive.
Good luck

Maybe couples counsselling? Might seem extreme but we are talking about him changing patterns of behaviour- or CBT with a private practitioner is good.

Poor you. My dad is like this and my childhood was spent on eggshells. I was well into my thirties before I realised that he was only a human being and stopped being absolutely terrified of him. But he does have many redeeming qualities and I can understand (just about) why my mother stuck it out. What I find difficult to forgive is that she didn't read the riot act to him about frightening his children. Sadly, although one of my sisters and I now have a reasonably good relationship with him, our other sister will only see him at large family gatherings.
Please ask him to consider anger management - it's really very self-indulgent of him to be ranting and raving about every little thing, and I am perfectly sure it doesn't actually make him feel any better about life's irritations.

I was married to someone like this for 10 years (am now going through divorce). I stayed for DS (now 9) and every single sodding day thought that he'll change. I asked him to do anger management, etc, but he never did. He did eventually go through a few sessions of psycho therapy but only after I'd asked again for a divorce (we'd been sleeping in separate rooms for 5 years by this point). We have to share a house still and even though we don't have the same tensions as we know we are going our separate ways, the effect on DS is still the eggshells thing - worried that he'll upset exH - and he doesn't even know he's doing it. He's completely different with me - like you I'm more laid back, easy going, cheerful and it has to be something big that bothers me. Leopards don't change their spots and I wish I'd changed my situation years ago instead of having to start over at 49...

Very important to let him know that you are getting tired of this and that he has got to learn to choose to react differently.

Calm, clear boundaries.

This stuff can spill into criticism and verbal abuse. For instance: the 100ml moisturiser: was that directed at you? What was the issue? The stupidity? The expense? The mistake? What?

If there was an issue, what was the issue?

You do need to talk to him, either alone or through counselling, and let him know that these over-reactions are causing trouble in the marriage and the family.

Then it's up to him to do his best to change and up to you if he doesn't.

But he must understand that if he continues or gets worse, you will leave. Maybe sooner or maybe later but you will.

We all lose our cool, some more than others, but we have enough will power to let it dominate us or not. Very rarely it's not a conscious decision to go ahead with the over-reaction.

He can work at it and find ways not to lose his cool.

I feel the same Mell, for the same reasons. It is all directed at me, stupid for not checking the moisturiser, stupid for the waste of a couple of quid(even though he wastes thousands, seriously)

It's not going to get better unless you address it.
I'm further down the line and it's a mess, we can barely speak to each other. I am so resentful for all the mean and nasty things he has said and done over the years. We aren't going to get through it.

Please address it now, before you become too dragged down by it all, and find yourself helpless to act

Seconding calls for anger management. You need to be really honest with him and explain that this is a deal breaker for you.

Yes you need to talk to him. I don't believe he can't change - it might not be easy for him but I think if he's willing to make the effort then there are ways of changing this sort of behaviour, learning better ways of dealing with annoyances. Sometimes it's as much habit as anything else.

It would surely benefit him as well, not to be getting angry over every little thing, that is not healthy for him, as well as being unpleasant for you and the children.

If he isn't willing to try, or doesn't see anything wrong with the way he is, then you have a more difficult problem. But first I would have that conversation, tell him how much it is affecting you, that it's making you have serious doubts about being with him - tell him things have got to change if your marriage is going to survive.

My father was like this to my mother, then later to us kids all through my growing up

I have no relationship with him now...the love died a long time ago. I do remember as a child constantly trying to gain his approval, which would appear fleetingly then be trashed on a wave of temper and self-centred ranting only a few hours later

it affected me badly for a long time, and I blame a lot of the mistakes I made in my teenage years on my upbringing

the sad thing, the person I respect the least is my mother for letting him treat her, but mostly me, like that for year after year

if you got out now, OP, the effect on your kids would be minimised

stick around for more of the same, I am afraid the harsh truth is that your kids will suffer for it

Thanks for all the replies... Sounds like its not going to end well based on your stories nkf, phwooar and lostboys. :( He has a poor relationship with his parents as well again because he easily loses his cool with them and will rant and rave at them and I think it's something he's been allowed to get away with for so long now that he doesn't know how else to react to life's annoyances. I brought up anger management but he's convinced he can deal with his issues himself (despite the fact that he hasn't been able to so far and is now 36!)... He has agreed to re-visit the idea of anger management if he doesn't get things under control in the next few months. I've also made it clear that if he starts losing his temper with the kid(s) then we won't be sticking around. I don't want them to be walking on eggshells all the time. (thanks anyfucker and bluestocking for pointing out the effect that had on you). I'm not holding my breath but am really hoping that things get better...

it's too woolly, OP

"he is going to improve himself in the next few months"

there is nothing measurable here, there is no impetus for him to change because he is indulged in his toddler tantrums

it's too subjective

for example, how many losses of control are acceptable to you ? one a day, one a week, one a month ?

what exactly will he do when he feels his temper boiling up ?

how will he stop himself taking it out on you ?

how will he shield it from the kids ? (he won't, and can't, btw)

what measures are you taking to make sure you don't pander to him for an easy life

men like this never want outside help, because they know deep down that they will be found out for the little boy they truly are a cool appraising professional eye will find them wanting

so far, so predictable

good luck, OP, I hope you can at least give yourself some boundaries and lines wrt to his behaviour because I don't expect that he can

he's avoiding taking responsibility for his behaviour. he's in denial that it's really a major issue.

It must be hard to admit you have a problem with anger- easy for all of us to sit here anonymously and tell him & you what to do.

Harder to make it public that you have a problem.

However, you need to convince him that you are willing to try with your marriage IF he seeks help.

If necessary book a single appointment together with Relate and ask them to help you find an anger management expert.

Unlike the others here, I don't think you should give up simply because other people say their relationships or their paretns didn't work. This is 2012- there is a huge amount of help out there compared to 30 years ago. Question is- does he care enough about you to ask for help?

What do you think, OP?

Is the issue that he loses his temper or that he loses it over such minor things or both?

I would be asking him to commit to some couple counselling with a pyscotherapist now so you can be heard and listened to.

And I would telling him needs to book onto an anger management course.

And both very very very soon - it is going to get much harder with a new baby on the scene.

What was the issue on the moisturiser - you didn't answer.

Does he lose his temper with the postman? His boss? The police?

This is all a choice and to do with the way he thinks. Read Lundy Bancroft. Openly, in front of him.

He might not know that his behaviour is abusive, he might care enough not to want to be like this.

But nothing will change unless you calmly draw the line, calmly call his VERBAL ABUSE for what it is, and calmly give him some consequences.

A member of my family appeased her H until he died. He cursed, rejected and treated her with contempt on his deathbed. He told her 'I knew I made a mistake marrying you after 2 years. You are a [fill in contempt/abuse], get away from me you [put down description]'
They were married for nearly 50 years.

Just marking my place. I could have written this word for word. Nothing further to add but you are not alone OP.