not coping very well, DP coming off anti depressants. (sorry long)

[Ticktock1]

Hi

Some back ground. I have been with DP for 18 months, I left my husband 2yrs ago and DP left his wife around the same time. We were friends before but had nothing to do with each others break ups. He has a daughter who is 3.5 yrs old. DP has been on anti depressants for 4 yrs and stopped taking them about a month ago.

We have a great relationship most of the time but the stresses of our lives sometimes mean we argue. I love my DP very very much and am prepared to do what I can to make it work, as most of the time its does.

Anyway, when DP was on anti depressants he was quite distant and always tired. He would get wound up about being tired and not being a 'whole' person as he didn't always feel like he was there. He changed pills a year ago as what he was on was effecting our sex life. Changing pills sorted that out no problem.

He decided a month ago to stop taking them, was an amazing silly fun person for the first week and since then has not been feeling great at all. I want to help but don't know how and its breaking my heart. He starts arugments and gets aggresive straight away and I don't handle it well, I get upset and then he will feel bad about it for days.

We have sex quite a lot, always have. About twice a day but the last week he is struggling to cum but still has an erection, I'm quite fit but sex is lasting an hour plus and he wants it 'hard' its exhausting me! And by the end I feel like he is just trying to get off, it makes me feel used. But am worried if I try and put off having sex as much he will feel rejected and he is fragile as it it at the moment.

He is also getting tearful and just sooo tired all of the time, like no matter how much sleep he has he can't shake the exhaustion. All of this is down to the pills I am sure as he was not like this before.

I want to be calm and helpful but its is emotionally effecting me too.

Anyone had any exprience with this? How long it will last? How can I disingage and be there for him while he goes through a hard time?

Thank you

He needs professional medical help for his physical and mental illnesses - urgently. Serious conditions are way beyond what a partner can handle and cannot be fixed by 'love'. You're not there to be his sexual stress-relief - that's what hour-long 'hard' sex is and yes, you're being used. Even if he's ill it's not acceptable for him to start arguments and get aggressive. It is not up to you to make it work. If you want to help him, get him back to his GP and work out a treatment & therapy plan... it was totally irresponsible of him to suddenly stop taking the medication and subject you to the fall-out.

I would actually suggest separating until he gets himself stabilised. People like your boyfriend can be extremely erratic when they stop taking the medications. Do not put yourself at risk

Thank you CogitoErgoSometimes I was worried no one would reply.

We talked about him going to his GP last night and his worry is that (as has happened in the past) he will just be asked does he want to go back on them and would he like a higher doesage, and that is all. No advice on doseing down or how to handle the withdrawal.

You are compleatly right about the erratic behavoir, he is wonderful, then sad, then annoyed and then just exhausted.

I want to support him getting off of them as DP said the other day he doesn't want to be a 'dad on pills' but I want it to be healthy.

If the doctor won't give advice on after care where do we go?

He is not phyically aggresive but the way

he needs profressional help and should not decide to stop ADs like that.
he can discuss other treatment plans eg therapy, CBT, regular excercise etc while withdrawing slowly.

see a different GP, ask to see specialsised mental health nurse, speak to Rethink, Mind, get into cousnelling (both of you) on dealing with and managing a mental illness.

If he doesn't go back to his GP they will think there is no problem. What he probably needs is a revision of his diagnosis & medication together with behavioural or other therapies alongside. There is nothing stopping him from asking for a second opinion if he's not happy with the original

What he must not do is take lower doses or withdraw from prescribed medication without supervision. You must not encourage him to 'get off them' either... he is taking them for a reason. If he was on medication for cancer or heart disease you'd be making sure he took them.

He is already being physically aggressive sexually and I personally find that concerning. Starting arguments and getting angry is also a bad sign. It may sound hard-hearted but do not feel obliged to stay with this man or tolerate mistreatment just because you see him as 'fragile' or are afraid of his reaction to rejection. Look after yourself first and foremost.

OK, I think there is more to this then plain depression.

The treatment time for a single episode of depression is 6 months or so, and then the GP will down-titrate and stop.
If your DP has been on Anti-D's for 4 years, he will have had several episodes of depression (at least 3), and most likely on stopping Meds, or a couple of very severe episodes,so it was decided to leave him on Meds for the forseeable future.
Stopping the Meds was not a good idea. The physical effects of withdrawal, if any at all, should last no longer then 7-10 days maximum, so are long past.

However, there is a high likelyhood that he will relapse into depression- in fact, he's showing every sign of doing so: tearful, irritable/ agressive, mood swings, exhaustion/tiredness, lack of drive, self blame ("feels bad for days"). This is not due to the medication/ withdrawal effects- it's depression,the medication is keeping this at bay!

There will have been a good reason why he was taking the Meds, and you can see it now. Please take him to GP asap, going back on the Meds is probably the way forward. Not always does a GP just stick you on Meds randomly. Anti-depressants are (mostly) fairly expensive- there is no incentive for your GP to keep prescribing them, unless they are really required (they get paid for out of the surgery prescribing budget)

Most people with mental health issues will at some point dislike/ stop their medication, don't get drawn in!
Good luck

I have just done some research and found Minds website. He has agreed to call and speak to them today.

Its hard just bringing up the topic because he gets upset or defensive about it. I am not sure how to get across to him that this is much more serious than he thinks. His doctor just put him on them, no counciling or advice and when he wanted to change pills he did all of the research into ones that do not lower your sex drive told his GP and then his perscription was changed. I think this attitude has made him think its not an important thing ifkwim.

I have emailed him all of the information so it does not desend into an argument.

Thanks for your advice

I was not with him when he started the medication so I only have what he has told me about that time to go on.

I am hoping that him speaking to someone at Mind will help him decide to go back to his GP. I have asked him but I can't force him.

I agree with all of your advice and am hugely greatful for some perspective from out side of our relationship as I can't talk to anyone else about it, DP doesn't want anyone to know he was on them in the first place.

It just seems like a mess

Your DP shouldn't have gone cold turkey on his meds. You're now suffering the fallout of that. DP must go back to his GP and discuss his treatment plan.

I can understand his desire not to be popping pills but if he is on the right meds he will be himself. The medication is to even out chemical imbalance in the brain.

I have epilepsy and have been taking AEDs for over 6 years. Life with epilepsy was hard to adjust to and the meds are depressive too. I needed to go on medication for anxiety as I have other pressures in my life too. I'm not coping very well, sleeping too much and still being exhausted. My doctor said I have undertreated depression and changed my medication. A week after the change I had a complete melt down. That was an improvement, up until then I'd been too depressed to cry. Three weeks in I started to feel better. Wouldn't say I was 'normal' yet but there you go.

You said he winds himself and doesn't feel a whole person. Perhaps the GP could refer DP to cognitherapy 'mindfulness' course. Which basically tries to help you live in the moment and be kind to yourself.

You need to talk to people IR. I do feel sorry for anyone that is struggling with a mental illness but I feel far sorrier for those trying to support them & who end up getting dragged into someone else's nightmare. He has no right to ask you to keep this secret from friends and family. His desire for secrecy also makes me wonder if he's telling the truth. I would be very tempted to contact the mother of his daughter... she may be able to fill in some of the blanks.

Thank you fortifiedwithtea, I'm sorry to hear about your problems I hope it gets sorted and you can feel 'normal' again.

DP said he use to feel disconcceted from the world around him when he was on them. So maybe a course like that would be good.

CogitoErgoSometimes its more that he feels ashamed about being on them (I don't think he has anything to be ashemed of) that being a dad and being in love should be enough, if that makes sence. I have tried to reasure him that it can be chemical and not about not being 'happy'. Its very hard to explain.

This is definatly something with help that we can both get through though, I love him with all my heart.

I really am so greatful for everyones replys. You have all helped so much

Sorry forgot to say, about contacting his ex wife, it is a thought if it gets worse and he won't get help but she is quite an intense person I am not sure she would be all that helpful. Although we do get on alright but mainly for DSD sake, its not really a friendship.

Hi Ticktock1 - was he on citalopram? I'm a mental health nurse and the side effects of withdrawal from most ADs is awful, and doses should always be slowly tapered and never just stopped - although GPs often disagree with this. I now work as a MH nurse in A&E and we've had patients try to kill themselves after stopping ADs suddenly. Tell me what he's on and I'll try and suggest a withdrawal programme, if that will help at all - although your own MH team are the ones who ideally of course should be monitoring a withdrawal programme.

Saffysmum he was on that until about a year ago and then changed to Mirtazapine. He was on 15mg tables but he did say for the two weeks before he stopped taking them all together that he had dosed down slightly to taking one everyother day

From the research I have done the half life is quite low on those but that, that can make the withdrawal harder.

He called Mind this afternoon and they gave him another number too call. I haven't spoken to him yet to find out how that went. We are going on holiday tomorrow! Not sure if it will help him being away or not.

Once again thank you for the advice

Obviously, whatever Mind suggest should be his priority. But it takes much longer to successfully reduce dosage. I would suggest that he goes onto 10mg per day, and stabilise at that for a month. Then drop down to 7.5mg per day for a month, then 5mg per month, then 2.5 mg per month, then stop. I know this sounds a long time, but it will give his brain chemicals a chance to re-adjust. The brain has got used to the AD, and his 'normal' receptors need time to get used to a lower dose. There is no point in taking ADs alternate days to try and reduce - it messes things up, all because of the half life. He should take a tab every day.

I hope this helps. I know a lot about citalopram because (I know he's not on this now) it's heavily prescribed and can be incredibly helpful. I also now what it's like to withdraw from it, because I was on it for a few years. It took me many attempts to stop taking it, because I rushed it. And I work with doctors who say it's ok to just stop it, well it wasn't for me and I've seen loads of patients go through hell going cold turkey on it (and other ADs such as the one your partner is now taking). I got off citalopram by following a similar programme to the one I suggest above.

Hope that helps and have a nice holiday.

DP will be home at 7 so will have a chat about his phone call then.

I can see that everyother day would mess it about due to the half life, that makes total sense.

I'll just see what has been advised, I know he thinks "well I have gone over a month with out so if I can do another month I will be back to normal" but as a lot of people have said, back to normal might be his depression and I can't live with this forever.

Mind couldn't help because they are not trained health profisonals so they gave him another number, he left a message but they haven't called back. DP has promised to call again in the morning. He is taking his pills with us on holiday just incase as I am terrified something will happen and he won't have them (they work very quickly).

He has apologised for not telling me he was coming off of them and for not seeing his GP about coming off of them properly.

DP says he is feeling better just lightheaded and that he is not feeling the hopelessness that he felt before he started taking AD's.

Fingers crossed he can speak to someone tomorrow and he promised to go and see his GP next week when we come back.

Thank you all for the advice, it helped me talk to him in a practicle non emotional way which is what was needed.