he's not interested is he?

[twosandthrees]

I have liked a man from afar for about 6 years and we were on the outskirts of each others social cirlcle. I heard from a mutual friends a while ago that him and his wife were looking to seperate. I saw him out before christmas and we got chatting and decided to meet to talk about a work issue the following week. At the meeting he told me that he had very strong feelings for me and had had them on and off the the past 6 years as well. He said all the usual cliches never felt this way before etc Because I know lots of his friends I know he is not a bullshitter/player type and I did believe everything he said. He is very worried that if he leaves his wife she will take them back to australia where she is from and he won't really see them.
Anyway we have met once more where again he was very full on and keen to move forward with things with me.
Then a few days later he sent me a text saying he couldn't do it /family too important.
I emailed to tell him I felt i was being messed about and so to please not contact me again.
He called straight away we went round in circles a bit and he told me that my best friends husband who I had confided in had asked him what was going on between us. this had really scared him as he felt everyone was talking about us. Anyway I thought we had agreed that as we had been so intense emotionally with each other we would be friends.
In an attempt to "normalise" the premature intensity I called him yesterday and left a message saying hi just calling for a chat. He has not replied.
He told me last week he cannot stop thinking about me or get me out of his head. So has he just gone off me now?
I also appreciate the fact that they are in the process of splitting the timing is awful and he has alot to sort out. I also partly think do I really want ot get into it all and know I may have had a lucky escape.
I totally understand that alot of you will go - he's married and have a go at me but their relationship is over I know from friends of his and hers. They have been sleeping in seperate bedrooms for over 2 years again this information is from her. They have both described to mutual friends that they live as flatmates who don't like each other.
I have liked him for years and I feel like I have never felt so intensely for someone but maybe the timing is going to mean this just won't work?

leave him alone, you could mess up his whole life, and he needs to work on keeping his family together or he could lose his kids to the other side of the world. Him looking to split, is not the same as having split, and he needs a clear head if his relationship is going downhill. Dont be the OW. Its really not a nice thing to do.

You don't know anything unless you live with them. It's easy to pick information you want to, to suit your agenda.

He cooled it off and said family was too important? Does this not suggest to you, it's not as over as you think it is. It does to me? He got cold feet and didnt want to lose his family. Sounds like they are making a go of it....

You are the OW but out and let him sort his marriage out one way or the other.

He has too much going on.
I'd leave it alone tbh.

If he likes you as much as he says, he'll still like you after the split is made official.

If you don't do this, you'll end up getting messed about and lied to.

He can't have his cake and eat it.

yes thanks you are right

He's married. You should wait until he's sorted all of that out before even thinking of getting involved. Not just for "moral" reasons, but for your own self protection.

thanks yes I actually never expected him to say any of the things he said to me and of course I always wanted to hear that from him after liking him so long. But no it's much better to butt out of it. I just panic because I think what if he forgets me but if he did then it would mean he didn't like me that much anyway wouldn't it. number deleted.

I think back off. Do not contact him again. All men (& women) going through a separation are going to be EXTREMELY confused. When I was divorced I dated alot & I learnt the hard way not to date anyone who hadn't been separated/divorced for at least a year, preferably more! They did exactly what this man does - full on, run away, full on, run away. Remain friends from a distance & if he does separate properly (not jumps out of one relationship into another as a safety net) eventually when the time is right if you both still like each other there's a chance it could work out.

and yes maybe I have had a lucky escape? Do I really want all the hassle of being the 2nd wife with all that entails (heard so many tales from friends etc)?

Thanks Midwife - that is what I suggested to him and said I want a loose friendship so that in the future once everything is sorted and calm we could get to know each other properly then. but yes full full on and then running away is very difficult to deal with.

Too much baggage

Move on

He just wanted a shag, btw and then panicked when he realised your hooking up was getting around (and back to his wife ?)

They may not be quite so "separated" as you think

I think you need to take a step back for your own good. Talk of being the second wife?! When he is married and already told you he wants to cool it as his family with hers more important.

My guess is they are going through a rough patch, he wanted a bit of a cliche ego boost, nothing more, nor less. He wants to make his family work.

I wouldn't even go with a loose friendship...

Yeah actually tanandgold you're right - withdraw completely!

Also for future reference it's NEVER a good idea, to mix, work, pleasure and affairs. As it always gets out. You told your bf, she told her husband, he told and so on. These kind of things are always the office gossip as he's just found out.

in fact, most of this "relationship" appears to have been conducted via hearsay, via other people

what a bloody waste of time

midwife is right. Watched a good friend go through this - she was recently separated and started dating. She fell really fast and hard for people but kept going for recently divorced / separated guys who couldn't wait to bang her, then ran for their lives. The worst was when she had to become a bloody therapist to them. Save yourself the pain and see what happens down the line but do nothing yet.

I've been precisely here... An old flame that I met again after many years. He's married & I'm single. His marriage was allegedly 'all over bar the shouting' but aren't they always? :) I think there were a few problems at home and what with him being normally such a sensible reliable sort, he got swept away with the idea of a romance rather than the reality of splitting up his family. He declared all kinds of love which was very flattering but I did end up telling him not to be so silly. (He's not really my type) I remain his friend - albeit one he doesn't admit to his wife

thanks these are good to hear (well not good but you know what I mean). You think your story is different but it's actually just the same old cliche.

oh yes, there is very little that is new here, OP

well done for acknowledging that (you were most of the way there already)

Me and dp have slept in separate rooms for the past 8 years and have no problems.

Just thought I'd add that.

Indeed it is op. Also you deserve better. Someone who can admit that and see it for what it really is, deserves much better.

yes you do deserve better - stay away

I think that I'd be wary of a guy who arranged a meeting on the pretext of talking about work, then declared his feelings.

To go from almost nothing, to full-on in 1 meeting doesn't show someone who is completely together!

And there is an ocean between not getting on with your spouse to actually being divorced - crossing it is never easy.

There are lots and lots of marriages like this guys which trundle on for years- I've got friends whose spouses have left them and come back over 20 years, and neither has made a clean break because of the children.

it's not wise to get involved as everyone else has said- and you can't go back to being friends.