Caring for a relative even though you don't like them...

[Ikeatears]

This is on the back of another thread but didn't want to hijack it. My Mum is in her early 60s and has the early stages of alzheimer's. My sister and I care for her. The problem is she was such a difficult, selfish, childish, spoilt woman before the didease hit that it's hard to decide where the person ends and the alzheimer's starts. It makes it hard to keep patient and caring.

I think you might need to look into professional services for her, because you could be facing 30 years of this and that's your glory years gone.

We are in the process of getting as much help as we can and she is moving to a more supported accommodation. Early onset Alzheimer's is very often life-limiting, only about a quarter of people live beyond 7 years of diagnosis. It sounds cruel and hard I know, but I hope it happens quickly. I do love her even though I don't really like her and I don't want her to suffer. Equally, I don't want me and sister to suffer either.

I'm glad she's moving into her own accommodation. You can be the best daughters possible with that level of distance.

My exMIL was a very, very difficult woman. She could create a toxic atmosphere in any house, anywhere, any time. She was very jealous and resentful of just about anyone. She had Alzheimer's and died quite recently. What was remarkable in her case was that all of those resentments disappeared as she clearly couldn't remember long enough to hold a grudge. She became much more placid and pleasant. Her illness did accelerate quite quickly (she lasted two years from diagnosis) but she was a hell of a lot easier whilst ill than she was prior to that.

Don't give up your life for your mum. Do the best you can for her - take her things she'll need, visit her etc, but if she's difficult or vile towards you, just get up and go. You can always phone the staff to ask how she is rather than calling in.

Tbh, if you don't like her, you are going to find it very very difficult to care for her.

My df had 2 massive strokes, and I can remember spoon-feeding him in hospital, the way you would with a baby - he even opened his mouth the same way. I could it because I loved him, and yet at the same time I knew absolutely that I couldn't do the same for my 'd'm because the feeling just wasn't there.

Good luck

OP, I totally understand how you feel. My MIL was the same and also has dementia. When I first met her the way she spoke to my DP took my breath away, it was so abusive and vile. Sometimes knowing that she had been abusive towards DP when she was a child made it monumentally hard to be civil to her. At that time she lived a 6 hour drive away so our visits were not that frequent but were truly awful.

Anyway, about 4 years ago as she was becoming very, very frail and having lots of falls etc we persuaded her to move to sheltered accomodation close to us. It has been a trial by fire. DP works away and full time so I have taken on much of the care. It has been one of the most difficult things I have ever done, and the early days were absolute hell.

However, I am in complete agreement with Imperial now that her illness is progressing MIL is so much more pleasant and kind and we actually have some enjoyable times with her. Actually, everything Imperial has said is true for us too. i used to sit through her vile rants but now, on the rare occasions that they happen I walk away. I simply do my best, visit as often as I can and am always at the end of the phone if there is a crisis. You have to know your own limits and look after yourselves. I am really glad you have posted this today. It is something many people will be struggling with and will welcome the support of MN.

To be fair to my mother, she wasn't abusive exactly, more inneffectual. We didn't grow up with her, we lived with my Dad from the age of about 6 and only saw her at weekends. She was extremely spoilt as a child and grew up never accepting responsibility for her actions - she has always blamed everyone and everything for her failings. There was role reversal almost from the beginning with us, she behaved more like a child than we did which was great and fun when we were kids and teenagers as she was more like a friend I suppose. It was only when we reached our mid/late teens that we realised it was inappropriate. She wasn't capable of being responsible for us. She has, however, been a lovely grandmother and it is sad that the younger grandchildren will miss out on this side of her.
We do what we can and I suppose that is all we can do...

It sounds as though you are clued up on the progress of Alzheimer's. Don't feel guilty and don't try to look back and what she did and didn't do for you. Instead take a look at what you feel you can and can't do now and how you and your sister will cope as the condition progresses. Be honest with each other. Also impact on where you and your family are now and how it will affect them in the future.
There may be a few angels out there who can mange everything and are able for whatever reason to deal with whatever an ailing/aged parent throws into their lives. Most people struggle and it can cause huge amounts of stress, so know what you are good at, what you can realistically do and work out how to get her other bits of support from elsewhere i.e. through sheltered housing or whatever.