Please I need some advice...

[GoingToThePark]

I have name changed. Been with DP for eight years, two lovely children. One child was born in February. The other is older ( this is relevant).

We got together quite young and quite quickly, had dc1 and settled down. Obviously this was hasty and there were things that weren't quite right, DP was quite immature, had lived with his parents before we were together and was used to doing his own thing, hobbies etc. he tried hard to settle down and be a dd but he also took quite a stressful job in an effort to build up a career and provide etc. money was always tight, we both had debts etc.

I was more streetwise I had lived With exp before we were together. I also had a job and uni to do, I was building my career too. We struggled with lack of money/pressures of work and uni/being parents together etc. we were very young. But we were ok.

When dc1 was two, I lost my mum. It was devastating for the whole family, she died very young. It was hard as well because she had helped a lot with our dc1. So the pressure began to build again. Plus I was embroiled in my family goings on, falling out etc. I was pulled in lots of directions and was trying to finish my uni as well. I ended up sleeping with someone. I was very ashamed and it destroyed my DP. I felt I should be forgiven as seeing his pain made me realise what I was about to lose and I begged, pleaded, did everything in my power to make him realise I really did love him, I was young, stupid, distraught about my mum etc. this other guy just paid me some attention at the right time and I caved in.i was so sorry.

Eventually after a very rough patch, we reconciled. We moved house and had a perfect few months. It was everything I had dreamed of. DP tooke extra care of me, he said he would never take me for granted again, our sex life was fabulous. I graduated uni and got a better job, he also got a better job and things were on the up. Our dc1 started school and became more independent.

After a couple of years I began to yearn for another child. Dc1 had started school and I missed having a little one around. Our relationship also appeared to have weathered previous storms. DP was reluctant for cash reasons and also because we had our freedom back ( weekends away while dc at grandparents etc). Anyway I eventually became pregnant and dc2 was on the way. DP changed towards me. He showed very little interest in the pregnancy and when dc2 arrived he busied himself looking after dc1 and was basically very matter of fact about everything. He didn't even acknowledge the birth with a little card, nothing. I was a little disappointed. After dc1 arriving as a sort of accident, I had hoped this would be the child thatwe had planned together, this would be an adult choice into an established family, make us complete, etc. you can see how I only tell myself what's want to hear at times! DP had told me his concerns about having another child, but I went ahead anyway, then was annoyed when he was less than enthusiastic. But he does love dc2.

Anyway since the birth I am on maternity leave looking after both children night and day. He has found increasing reasons to be out of the house, whether it's the gym at six in the morning then straight to work, working long hours when he doesn't really need to, he even went out and bought a flipping Xbox at the weekend, I flipped it was the final straw. He moans i don't make time for him as I am always busy with the children, but he always finds activities that take him away. He is also resentful if I ask for help with the baby. He says things like "just admit it you can't cope" or "remember who wanted another baby" it really hurts. I'm not asking for much. He wants sex and feels miserable without it but I find it hard to make time or get in the mood with the kids around. So that's another sore point.

Anyway, to round off this very long post, he sat me down the other night after I had had a massive go at him about the Xbox and four hours at the gym and sauna on Easter Saturday while I tried to get the kids ready for a family party at HIS mothers house, he told me the relationship is "gone", he only stayed with me after I cheated for dc1 sake and he can't ever forgive me or forget it. Should I just accept the relationship is over? He told mutual friends on Easter Sunday he wants to start planning our wedding so I am getting very mixed messages here! Sorry it's so long x

So: you had a child without his consent. He is understandably resentful, and is acting out his resentment in petty ways, like getting himself toys and letting you shoulder the childcare. And he has now put your cheating - which had apparently been overcome - back on the carpet.

It looks like both of you have been / are being manipulative. That will lead nowhere healthy.

Can you honestly speak about your solo decision to have another child and his resentment about it, and see if you can each provide what the other needs in order to move on from it, as you did when you cheated?

Something has certainly gone. Probably before your second child arrived. If he wasn't happy in the relationship... if he hadn't 'weathered the storms' quite as well as you think... then it would make sense that he didn't want to bring another baby into it. There may be someone else he wants to get close to or he may simply be fed up trying to keep everything on the rails. Being absent so much can mean someone is simply avoiding facing up to the reality of a bad relationship. I know men that work in another country just to avoid spending time at hom.

As for wedding plans... maybe that's just to save face. I think you need to talk a lot more.

I would say Relate or similar is the best hope, if he is willing.

So child 1 was also an accident? But child 2 planned (by you) even though he didn't want one?

It sounds like you always get you want, or else, tbh.

I think he feels as though he has been trapped. He might be right.

I think it's really hard for someone who hasn't been through it to understand how completely devastating it is to have someone you love cheat on you. I know I've never been the same. It is literally the loss of innocence - you love someone and believe they love you and then they commit such a betrayal you wonder whether you ever knew them at all and whether they'd meant a word they'd said.

So first of all you did that. Then you discussed having another child and he said he didn't want one, but you went ahead anyway. That is a really dreadful thing to do, to remove someone's choice of whether to father a child.

Now he has had enough. I don't blame him, frankly. You two were very young when you got together and I'm sure he was idealistic then. You have removed the scales from his eyes and he's seen the real person.

I'm sorry to sound harsh. In his position I'd want it to end, too. I can understand your justifications, but I feel for him, whereas I feel you're only thinking of yourself.

Relate sounds like a good idea. For one thing, if you are both reasonable people, it can help you separate in a civilised amicable fashion if the relationship isn't fixable - and this one does sound badly damaged, as it seems that he no longer wants to be in it, and you have been refusing to listen for a long time.

You get away with being unfaithful. You thought you'd get away with riding roughshod over his wishes about another child. You haven't. Trapping someone like that is a terrible thing to do and frankly you've brought this on yourself. I don't understand why you'd even want to have a child that wasn't wanted by the other parent.
Sorry for being so harsh but it's how it is. You can have counselling, do whatever, but having betrayed him twice you've blown it, judging by how he's acting now. Look to yourself for blame.

It does take two to make a child though, so he has some responsibility in the matter, and can't really shrug his shoulders and say the conception had nothing to do with him. If he knew he didn't want another child he should have ensured that if you weren't using contraception then he was - or he could have refrained from sex altogether (I know, but it would at least have forced another conversation). He can't just "hit and run".

You definitely need more communication. Relate or similar if he'll co-operate. Do you think he would go?

Thank you all those who replied. I didn't force his hand with having another baby, he knew I was stopping contraception and also was pleased when we discovered I was pregnant. It was after the birth his feelings seemed to change. I agree with the poster who said the toys and out of home activities are him blaming me for the added responsibility of another baby.

He does love dc2 and admits he ought to help more.

I just can't shake the feeling I've ruined our relationship and ought to leave. But that will kill me inside as I do love him and our children need their dad. I feel like a horrible person. And yes, I do know what it feels like to be cheated on, which makes it even worse.

I think some of the responses here have been a bit harsh.

It takes two to make a relationship work and two to make it fail. Your DP had the choice to walk away but chose to stay. If he couldn't forgive you he should have said so way before you suggested trying for baby no.2.

For what it's worth I think constantly bringing up past misdeeds in a relationship is hurtful and very toxic. Its like having a big stick and constantly hitting someone over the head with it.

I think possibly he is feeling some sort of male PND weight of the extra responsibilty etc but that doesn't excuse him rather coldly tuning you out for the past however months. Neither should you accept complete blame for having the 2nd baby or keep on apologising about past affair you had which you do even in your posts.

You need to realise that although you made a foolish mistake in the affair, you are still a person worthy of respect - who doesn't screw up seriously at times? - and you have a right to expect better treatment than you've been getting recently.

Time to get angry and also start thinking about whether you want him in your life. Do you want someone who will constantly throw your past mistakes in your face? Someone who acts like a saint and makes you out to be a villian? Someone capable of ignoring your emotional and physical needs for months instead of talking to you?

You need to tell him none of this is acceptable and stop apologising for the past - he's betting on having that over you for forever.

I would start considering what life might on my own and putting contingencies in place.

Thank you fabulous.

I would really like to try counselling but doubt he would be keen. He tends to keep his feelings hidden and instead engage with petty behaviour (toys, going out, not helping) and veiled comments and threats of leaving etc.

I seriously doubt he has someone else in mind, he is still pestering me for sex every five minutes. He has definitely stopped complimenting me though and does not try to boost up my confidence in my figure or looks. I have been quite struggling to feel attractive again after birth of dc2 for example and he takes no notice.

I feel he does only bring up my past infidelity (five years ago) when I challenge him about bad behaviour. He also calls me names if we have disagreements which are very disrespectful and clearly he takes a dim view of me or tries to create this impression.

He has got me not knowing if I'm coming or going and I want desperately to get in his thoughts so I know if this is worth saving or not.

Fabulousdarling is right. You can't keep apologizing for the same thing for the rest of your life. If you hadn't admitted to it, refused to talk about it then bringing it up would be (almost) fair enough; like this though, where you've talked it through, admitted and atoned, where he has agreed to put it behind him and try to make the relationship work? No, it's not fair.

Perhaps he thought he could do all that, but has found that he can't after all. If so, he either needs help to come to terms with it (counselling) or calls it a day.

From your last post, he sounds abusive, tbh. In which case, Relate etc, are not a good idea.

Have you thought of individual counselling for yourself? It may help you.

If you are someone whose partner has been unfaithful, there comes a point where you have to get the fuck over it - or end the relationship. Infidelity hurts, yeah yeah, waa waa, but it is not a licence to punish your unfaithful partner for the rest of his/her life. If you can't forgive, walk away.

OP, sit him down and say, either counselling or he can pack his bags. It isn't entirely up to him whether or not the relationship continues, and it is not worth sacrificing everything and your peace of mind to hang on to a partner who doesn't want to be there, or who is making a big deal out of only staying if he is obeyed in every way.

I think he is playing with your head because he doesnt quite understand whats going on in his. Something has obviously changed in his life - not necessarily his life involving you I mean him personally.

It could be as simple as the new baby bringing up old memories or it could be as big as he has had his eye caught by greener grass. Im not meaning an affair per say more he wants things he cant have. Like with the Xbox its a typically single younger mans toy (yes I know plenty of married older men have one) Maybe he is yearning for a single simpler life?

Throwing your indiscretions at you is his way of deflecting his own confusion and guilt on to you, making it your fault he feels as he does.

I think you need to do a little digging, check his phone and emails for clues, facebook if he has it. I know thats not ideal but if he is just blaming you he clearly isnt going to own up to what he maybe doesnt know himself IYSWIM?

If you cant find out and he wont talk/go to relate I agree with the above you should ask him to leave, but I think you might need to get over yourself a bit. Accept you have caused him upset that might be still grating and look for answers.

I agree sgb he did make the decision to continue the relationship and he does need to get over it now. It was one drunken shag and a few texts a long time ago. He also subsequently slept with an ex to try and see if he was able to leave me. He wasn't. He was back the next day and we resumed our relationship,albeit after much crying and making up with one another.

I feel as if I am now permanently at a disadvantage to ever complain or ask for fairness in other areas of our lives. I had an affair. I wanted a baby. So now I cannot expect any help or mutual respect? Don't think so. I am going to be so much stronger now, I am starting to realise that actually, I can make it on my own. It will be the hardest thing I've ever done but it will not kill me. I am willing to try with him, he is the love of my life and father to my children but I will not compromise myself too far, I will lose my self respect.

He was very affectionate last night and we had really good sex as well, it proves that if I give a little, he also improves towards me. Hmmm will keep an eye on his phone though as he is off on a lads weekend away this weekend, staying in a hotel. I do trust him though. Thanks for all the further replies.

So he slept with someone else for revenge?

You became pregnant but he had sex with you knowing that you weren't using protection? He can hardly blame you for that.

He was pleased you were pregnant but then changed his mind? His You were the one who wanted a baby line doesn't work then!

I really could not live like this, OP

Lurching from one disater to another

You say you "trust" him but then admit you will keep an eye on his phone this weekend

You both sleep with other people, and use sex as a weapon in a tit-for-tat fashion. He wants a baby and doesn't use contraception but changes his mind on a whim and holds it against you.

I would more expect this kind of carry-on as part of the Jeremy Kyle Show

You both need to grow up I think, and this drama llama relationship is going to hold you both back from doing that.

Thank you af I realise this must sound really ridiculous, bear in mind that most of this stuff happened when we were only 21 and we are now many years down the line and still dealing with the repercussions of it. The new baby seems to have stirred up a lot of old dust and debris from our old fallings out.

Regards checking up on him, I do trust him, but several posters have pointed out that his out of the house all the time behaviour may point to the fact that he has tired of me and my ways and perhaps is looking elsewhere. I doubt it personally. But he has got this lads weekend away coming up and these other posters have got me thinking. Suppose he meets some young fancy free woman who looks a world away from me at the moment :(

then you do not trust him

if I thought for one moment my H was in serious danger of shagging some young bird, he wouldn't get house room in the first place

if most of this happened when you were 21, why haven't you both grown up and moved on ?