Saffysmum: A year on, and he says it's all my fault! Please reassure me (again!)

[Saffysmum]

Many of you supported and helped me through a nightmare year last year. Basically after 22 years of marriage my STBXH (affectionately known on here as 'Twunt' announced that he didn't love me anymore, and that of course there wasn't anyone else. We decided he would leave in the summer (after kids exams). Things came to a head this time last year, when my 16 year old daughter found teenage porn on the family computer - he'd left a link open, and I threw him out. Then it turned out that another of our four kids had seen texts that he'd been sending another woman....he still denied an affair.

To cut a very long story short, I filed for divorce shortly after telling him to leave. Since then, he has been seeing this other woman - they have had 3 foreign holidays together in a year; the first one was a month after I threw him out - and he lied about being with her on that holiday - said he was away with friends - later turned out it was with her.

Anyway, the decree nisi finally came through at Christmas - and since then we have been thrashing out a settlement, he said his offer was incredibly generous - my SHL (shit hot lawyer - thank God for her) thought it laughable, so after months and months of negotiation, we are due to go to court in May. He is paying well below the CSA maintenance for the kids, despite earning 5 times what I earn. I am running the house, the bills, everything. I am struggling to feed us all, but we are ok, but a holiday this year is out of the question - just keeping out of the red is my priority.

So - the reason I'm posting: the kids. Always been my priority - eldest son (19) at Uni, has nothing to do with his dad - and hasn't done so since the day he left - he was a rock to me - and supported (encouraged me) to throw him out. He saw that Ex was making my and his and his siblings life hell. 2 teenage daughters - idolised their dad, and have had frequent contact until about a month ago. YS - 15 - saw loads of his dad in the first few months, but wants nothing to do with him now. So - my daughters are in a really bad place. They are realising that the man they idolised as little girls, and have always wanted to see the best in, has let them down. He has introduced them to OW, despite them both saying they don't want to meet her (just turned up with her). He has ignored texts from them - hasn't gone to parents evenings, etc.

I have spent a whole day with ED (17) crying her eyes out, because she feels her dad doesn't love her anymore: he tried to contact her last week (after spending two weeks in America with OW) and she was upset with him because she felt that he put OW first (he does!) and he just told her she was ridiculous, and being a drama queen. He then turned up (last Friday), and both girls sat with him whilst he told them (I was in the kitchen, but could hear), that I was the reason why he left! He couldn't bear living with me - if he stayed with me he would have had a breakdown - he couldn't tolerate living in the same house with me a minute longer. I was gobsmacked to hear this - talk about re-writing history! I know that I'm not blameless, but I had no idea that he was so unhappy with me - and that it was all my fault - I find this baffling.

So - what do I do now? I really feel I can't have him in the house - he's toxic - he sits there all calmly and spouts out the biggest lies - I couldn't believe what I was hearing. The girls couldn't either - they were as shocked as I was, just saying that he was making stuff up, and trying to correct him. He got angry and demanded (shouted) at them - saying they had to respect him - he was their dad!

I would gladly never set eyes on the toxic twunt again - but what do I do about the kids - surely they need a dad? How do I support them all on my own?

Please help.
X

love, why is he still coming in your house ?

why don't the dc's see him (if they even want to...I don't think they will for much longer, and fair play to them) away from your territory ?

just stick to your guns, he is digging his own grave with his dc's, like all these common-orgarden twunts do, and tbh, you cannot shield them from it.
Just be your usual steadfast self...and revert back to your mantra of "disengage disengage disengage"

why does it matter what the pillock says ? nobody believes him.

Oh lovely, you are well rid.
Your l
Wonderful children can see what he's really like.
I've no idea of there is any sort of cluncelling for your children. That could help them.

I hope you get some more. O eh from him soon.

Other than that, dont let him in your house.

Your wonderful...bloody iPad!

Your children are all old enough to meet up with him (if they want to, and only if they want to) away from the house.

It is still early days for all of you, and the kids will probably get support from their peers too, many of whom will have gone through similar with their own parents.

Get them counselling - they sound wonderful and you sound like you're doing a good job but imo they need someone unbiased to talk to and to help them come to terms with everything and learn to deal with it.

good luck.

Thank you both x
It was the first time he'd been round for months - uninvited, just walked in because he'd had a phone conversation with ED, and she'd cried to him about the way he'd treated her and siblings. I have disengaged from him, and I have told girls that if they want to see him again, it will be on neutral ground, not in our home. They accept this - but both are in bits because deep down they want the daddy they had when they were small (and he really was a great dad to them then). I just want to make it right for them, and it breaks my heart to see them so upset. ED especially is in a very bad place right now. She is receiving counselling, but I feel I should do more, and I just don't know what to do to help her. I knew when I threw him out that our relationship was completely over, and that we would never be friends. But I was determined to be civil to him for the sake of the kids, and I always wanted them to have a dad in their life - but I fear it's too late, so I feel helpless.

Thanks

I agree....don't let him in your house
If your daughters want contact then I assume they are both old enough to contact him and sort it.....he does indeed sound like a twunt so maybe your girls will have to find out their own way.
It will be hard to sit by and watch them be hurt by him but you need to detach and just be there for them when they need you.
Good luck...but it does seem like you're doing a fab job with your dc

it's not your fault, saffy

you can't undo the damage he has done, I am afraid

yes, your daughters do have to let go of the notion that they have a father worthy of their unqualified respect

it's a hard lesson to learn, that is for sure, and they have to go through those steps and stages to get there

hopefully, with time, they will negotiate a more equal and less "hero worship" relationship, but that is up to him and you cannot influence it

You are well shot of this man. I would let him anywhere close to the sanctury of you home.

It is disturbing how he is trying to convince the teenage DDs things were other than they were, by trying to convince them he left because of you when in fact one of the reasons you made him leave was because you would not pander to his fondness of teenage onsite porn.

Does not sound like a balanced healthy dad to me.

Can you ask her what she wants you to do or what you can do to help her?

You're probably right in that you can't stop him hurting them and like Dee says you can only be there for them. But in the meantime try not to show your anger towards him as you want them to be able to come to you without worrying about upsetting you. I know its hard.

just love them and be there for them, never give them cause to doubt your love for them, love them enough for a mother and father, support them, guide them, encourage them, listen to them, let them make their own decisions and make their own mistakes without feeling that they have let you down or you will think less of them, or that they are not good enough for you.

you cant change him. i know it is sad, it is not what you envisaged, and they must be heartbroken and you are heartbroken for them and for you. just concentrate on being the best mother you can be.

The trouble is simple logic is hard to apply when its your DC

AF is right but its a very hard pill to swallow and our inbuilt fix everything for our DC reflex is ever present

Just keep doing what you have been and be a quiet and solid support to them

Don't let him in your house, if he or more importantly your children want a relationship with their father he can take them to his place or out or wherever it's not your responsibility. Your children are old enough to make their own minds up, I wouldn't try and encourage or discourage them, I'd support their decision. IMO its better to have one loving & supportive parent rather than two when one is an abusive controlling arsehole who screws up a child's perception of a healthy relationship & belittles and denies their child's feelings and memories.

Why the hell is he paying below CSA rates apply to the CSA & get what your children are entitled to.

Hi Saff Sorry to see you back here with more undeserved anguish. I was just wondering if you'd thought about family counselling - i.e. you and your DDs? Maybe the three of you, with a facilitator, could identify some issues and solutions and then work through those in some way? No first hand experience here, just an idea to throw into the mix.

You've been so amazing, you really have. Take care.

B&A x

I was in the same position as your daughters many years ago. I was doted on by my Daddy then just before my uni finals he upped and left, leaving my mum in bits and what felt like my past shattered as I realised he was not the person I thought he was because he had been living a double life - pretending to be a family man while having numerous affairs. I saw him a few times but it fizzled out- it was weird. I still don't see him now, and have no wish to because he did not treat my mum well during the divorce, and I thought that was the least he could do. I felt that he owed me my family, since he had wilfully taken it away, and was very angry with him.

I mourn the loss of family life (and still do) so if you can keep a sense of family unit for your daughters, that would be the best help you can give I'm sure.

And DO NOT allow him to see them in your home - it's their place of refuge and ifnhe's inside that place it will confuse them.

And don't feel you have to be brave in front of your daughters - I felt it bonded my mum and me when I comforted her as well as her comforting me.

Keep strong, you're obviously a great mum and they're lucky to have you

You sound like a really strong person. I can only give my best wishes and say you sound like you are doing better than I think I would do. What Pickthatupplease said sounds like really good advice.

Saffysmum.I read all of your previous thread and I think that you are a star,your kids are lovely and your STBX is a very bad man.Mx.

Hi Saffy. Sorry to hear about this. I am currently going through similar. DS hates his dad and refuses to see him. DD doesn't mind seeing him but on her terms; once a month and only for two days maximum.

I have moved house and both children do not want their father to come to this house; DS in particular. I am actually quite pleased about this as I love my new place and the fact it has no memories of the ex. Everything is about the 3 of us now (and the Sophie-dog of course!).

Ex is going to Mediation (today actually) to do with opening discourse with the children. Then we will be invited and the children can actually tell the mediators how they feel. DS is quite happy to do this as he has a lot to say. Poor lad...he said to me recently, how can his father think that what he has done to his mother can be just forgotten? Especially as we are so close. Ah I don't know...

I think they should see their dad but I cannot force them to do anything they do not want to as I have to be their advocate no matter what. Ex thinks I causing trouble..but of course.

So dear Saffy..no advice no answers but just well..you know..love and support. I feel rather bleak at the mo but know I just have to continue..loving and supporting DS and DD and living my life...working really hard to support us and still finding some elements of happiness for myself...sigh...hard though.

xx

Saffy you are wonderful.
I agree twunt should never come,into your house again, you need it to be a safe place for all of you. I am glad your DD are getting counselling. I think you need to be a sounding board, and to help the realise that they are not mad, but what he says is not the truth.
It is going to take the time, as they need to get over him. To realise he isn't a hero but a human being, with faults.
Encourage their relationships with other male role models (their brother, grandfather?, uncle?, old family friend). If they enjoy reading then books might help them sort out their thoughts, I'd suggest "The Statistical Probablity hof Love at First Sight" as one that is light but does deal with characters trying to deal with the breakdown of their parents marriages.

I really hope SHL gets all you need in May.
Oh BTW it is not all your fault.

Hi - thank you all so much for your advice.

I know that you are right, and that they are old enough to make their own decisions, but that's the point I suppose; they are finally realising what a useless excuse for a father he is, and they are hurting so much, so I feel their hurt as well. If someone else had started this thread, I would be giving the same advice as you are, but as gettingeasier says, it's so hard when it's your own kids suffering so much.

fuzzy: he is paying an amount he thinks is 'generous' every month, but I know it's below the CSA, but SHL says that this will increase dramatically when we go to court to sort out the final settlement. He has stalled and stalled at every opportunity in the divorce - I filed last May, and it took him until November to finally submit his E form; meanwhile he has been spending a fortune on expensive nights out, holidays, clothes - yet my kids didn't even get an Easter Egg from him on Sunday. But the money will be sorted, so it's quicker to wait for the court than to go the CSA route because that can take months and months.

drfay - sorry you are going through similar - it's hell isn't it? Most days I'm fine, I can cope juggling bills, working, sorting out the repairs on the house, and I'm fine. My kids have been a wonderful support to me - if they are ok, then I'm ok, but right now my two girls are really hurting, especially the eldest one, who also has a lot of A level pressure on her too.

Pickthatupplease - sorry you went through this. You sound like you've come out the other side, and I'm sure my kids will too, but I always thought he'd be there for the kids, and man up and admit his mistakes in the break-up, but to hear him last week was a real wake-up call: he just turned everything around and blamed me, which rocked my confidence.

I won't have him in the house again, I didn't invite him last week. I will go back to having the doors locked all the time, so he can't just wander in. He has been texting the kids alot - but they are ignoring his texts.

I work in mental health, and talk to counsellors as part of my job, I have arranged counselling for us as a family, and daughter sees a counsellor frequently - he tells her that she must adjust her expectations, and expect little of him, and only see him if she wants to, on her terms. He also said she should write him a letter, telling him everything, as face to face talking to him results in him either shouting her down, or denying anything, and he always comes back with "you have to understand this from my point of view".

I've just had both girls crying and in bits since Friday, and yesterday I felt completely overwhelmed. I have to accept that I can't shield them from the pain, and be strong for them, but it's bloody hard.

X

Oh Saff what a coldhearted and callous man he is. I thought he'd sunk to some lows but really. So.

Get the locks changed so he can't just walk in - he was clearly getting at you through them and that's no comfort, I know, but it shows that he has given up the right to even think of himself as a dad.

It's great that you've arranged counselling for your daughter, can they both go together? I think pickup has the insight here - he has managed to kill himself off in your daughter's minds and their affections won't be far behind.

This is something you can't fix for them because you didn't break it in the first place. You have always acted with the utmost dignity and respect for yourself and that's how come your twunt attacked you in this way. Interesting isn't it how come he's done this NOW just as you are about to go to court and get rid for once and for all.

He is not a happy man and this just proves that really your marriage broke down not because of you but because of him. Your DC's will know this and hurtful though it is for them to see their DF in this light all you can do is what you have been, and there's nothing wrong with that.

FWIW as my own settlement is still not resolved I could well imagine PTM doing something similar as he comes closer to finally being cut off from the family he thought he could just chuck away with no ill-effects. But I know that if he'd found life with me so intolerable for so long that's not nearly so bad as his lying hiding it from me - that's worse IMO.

I hope this helps Saff. Keep posting and we'll be here.

Another one who read your earlier thread with absolute admiration and sad to see you back.
A couple of thoughts: do you have parents, an older relative or an aunt that the girls feel easy with? Perhaps a bit of down time with another relative who can just be and be supportive, take them out of themselves would help.
Or how do they get on with ES, he sounds wonderfully mature and perhaps they can all talk together and support each other as then they won't feel so bad at having these feelings in front of you, which may add to their upset. I would guess that they don't want to show they are upset in front of you as they want to support you and not add to your problems.
Letter writing sounds brilliant, it gives them control of the situation which they are definitely capable of handling with you behind them as their rock.

'This is something you can't fix for them because you didn't break it in the first place': Thanks Wisey, that's it in a nutshell. But he's now saying that I did in fact break it, by blaming me....so I guess he's trying to force me to shoulder the responsibility and 'fix' this, like I have the leaky roof! Again, he bounces everything off himself and back on to others.

From now on he is known as Teflon Twunt.

The counsellor will only see ED, as they don't see siblings; if YD saw a counsellor from the same centre, it would have to be a different one - it's their policy. TBH the counselling really helps, but nothing can take away the brutal fact that they are realising that their dad is not what they thought him to be.

ED actually said yesterday that it would be easier if he had died, because then she could remember him as a lovely dad, and feel his love and that he was watching over her. Then she hated herself for thinking such a thing (him dying).

I agree that he is deeply unhappy, but he is incapable of accepting that he needs to change, like I've always said, his ego is the size of a planet. I think you're right that he's doing this because he knows court is looming.

Hope you get your settlement sorted soon, we both need closure on this so we can move on. Is your DD okay, does she see her dad?

Thanks (again!)
x

Thanks struwelpeter. Yes, they do talk to lots of friends, relatives and it helps. I do shield my elderly parents from a lot of how the kids are feeling, because my parents are still trying to come to terms with losing my eldest sister last year, and I don't want to burden them with all this.

ED is so low that if she sees a friend with their dad, it upsets her, because she sees how a normal dad should be...if that makes sense. She even burst into tears yesterday looking out of the bedroom window and seeing a young dad pushing his young daughter on her tricycle - this is how sad she feels.

ES has been amazing, but he's away for the Easter holidays. Although he keeps in close contact, I feel he needs a well deserved carefree break. Although he's very mature and strong, he is only 19, and he's lost his dad too.

X

I read your other thread last year. What a tough time you and your children have had.

I suppose your girls are grieving for the father they had who has now gone. What's left in his place is a hollow shell, not someone they can really relate to, not someone who fills the gap their 'original' father left. The grieving process takes times, and maybe since they had frequent contact up until very recently, their grieving process started a little later for your girls than for you and their brothers.

Someone suggested family counselling - I think that sounds like a great idea. A safe environment for you all to explore your feelins and express your anger together.