How do you not give up hope?

[Dee333]

After reading alot of posts and advice on here I thought that maybe just maybe some of you lovely people might be able to give me some hope.

I'm a 39yr old single woman with a good job, own place, own car and great family and friends but just feel so alone and hopeless.

Basically I was in a mentally and phisically abusive relationship from the age of 15-30 and although I've had a couple of short relationships in the last 9 years they weren't any big love stories and I just wonder if this is what life is going to be like for the next 40yrs is there really any point?

I've spent most of this weekend alone as all my friends are doing lovely coupley stuff which is great for them but leaves me lonely and wondering what's wrong with me and why not me. I've kept myself busy to try not to think about it but I lay in bed last night wondering if I'm always going to be in this bed alone (I don't mean for sexual reasons, ha ha).

I really thought by the age I am now that I'd be settled with a partner and family but the hope is slowly fading away.

Sorry for this depressing post everyone and thanks for reading

Hi.

Sadly, if you are feeling down or lonely or 'not good enough' for the big love story, it's more difficult to get out there and meet potential lovers...

Perhaps you past relationships and the way they worked out is affecting you negatively. Have you tried talking to someone? A good counsellor can be expensive but could also become the friend that will listen to your thoughts, however dark and moody, without judging you, being shocked, or getting bored - and just when you least expect it you'll learn something about yourself that you didn't knnow before and hopefully you'll feel better.

You sound a bit depressed to be honest - one of its main symptoms is feeling hopeless.

Another tip: remind yourself of something you always wanted to do and make it challenging. Then work towards achieving it. You'd be surprised where this can take you.

Good luck.

Omg u sound so like me, r u sure you're not me......and look at our names!!!

You can be far more lonely in a relationship IMO than you ever can on your own.

Don't give up and get out there! Being on your own because you are choosy is much better than being with some arse. Anyone can be half of a couple of they aren't fussy - you are. That's because you have something worth giving to another person

Hello D333
It can get a little lonely on your own and when like you said all your friends are doing the coupley stuff! I think dwelling on what othhers may or may not be doing can make it worse.
How about joining a dating site?
I agree with meet maybe try chatting to someone?
I also agree with having a focus! Challenge yourself!
Try and think of all of the things you want and write them down, have goals.

Thank you for your reply Meet, you are so right when you're feeling so crap about yourself it's hard to portray a positive outlook to others. I've been on anti-dep for a few years (helping to deal with past issues) and they have definetely helped, I've also had counselling/therapy and it defintely helped at the time but as you said it's expensive and that's what's stopping me this time.

I don't mean to be dramatic but I just think if this is my life for the next god knows how many years than I'd rather not be here but the guilt of what that would do to my family always stops me. Don't get me wrong i'm not about to commit suicide but can you see my point, it's hard to be around just so everyone else is happy, god I sund so selfish.

Thank you Meet

Sound even!

Well it's good to know I'm not alone Dee03, even down to our name :0)

Thanks Billy, can you really feel more alone being with someone as oppose to being completely alone. I've never been one to be in a relationship just so I'm not alone and alot of my friends are doing just that although it has crossed my mind this weekend! Thanks for your message cos I was thinking maybe I'm just being too fussy :)

Thank you Who. I go on and off the dating sites but find most of the guys are just after one thing (and I thought they would be past playing games at our age).

You're right maybe I'll start a list of things I want to do and places I want to go albeit alone :0)

Thank you x

Do you want a partner or a child? If you want a child you could look into options for single motherhood.

I think I just want a partner akiss, If the child comes later although the bodyclock is ticking then i'd be open to that but not desperate at the moment

How about reading Fight the Fear - if that Is the title, which might help you think about what else it is you want as well and then go and get them all?

Dating sites one option, another to discover new interests including some that are not traditionally female ones? I bet you are an interesting person with lots to be sparky about. Just making lots of new un attached friends would prob help lift your mood.

It's miserable. Been there.

Thinking of you.

Oh thank you Spend, I'll google that now.

Yes you are 100% right I do need some unattached friends so I don't feel like the odd one out all the time. I've been told I'm a funny girl with a great personality which is nice but you start to doubt that and think if that's true then how comes nobody wants me :0(

It's good to know other people have or are where I am right now, thank you so much for your kind words x

I met my 'D'H when I was only 18, have been with him since and am now a lot lot older :(

He is abusive in many ways and yes, you can be very alone, and very lonely in a marriage/partnership.

I am trying very hard to be able to enjoy things on my own. But it is so hard! I totally understand what you are saying. How great it would be right now for me to be able to turn to someone and share a thought, talk about my day!

I dont know where my DH is most nights and I dont care. After years of being too bullied to be able to do what I want, I now can come and go as I please and I do have some friends but most evenings I spend alone. I just remind myself that it is better, it is an improvement on how things used to be. But I am so lonely. I wish I had someone to please, to make a coffee for, someone to hug!

So to all of you out there, dont waste time on a bad relationship. I have wasted my whole life :( I have great kids though! :) But you know, you look at those couples and really, what do you see? Only what they want you to see? From reading a lot of these threads, posters often say that to others, their own relationship appears to be 'perfect'! I do think that life would be wonderful without emotional attachments!!!

I know what you mean so, I was with my ex from 15 to 30, and I still feel angry at all those years I wasted although I know he made it hard for me to leave (threats to me, my family etc) but it does make me wonder if I left much earlier than I did what my life would be like now but we can't go back, it's just so hard to go forward isn't it.

Someone said to me yesterday 'It must be horrible being alone not even having somewhere there to hug you, even someone's touch to let you know you are not alone' and that really hit home.

Is there no way you can leave now and start again? Reading your comment about being so lonely just brought a tear to my eye, I'm here if you ever need a chat and that's from someone who has wasted part of her life x