Should I engage, or ignore?

[tippytap]

Hi,

I'm posting for advice really. I occasionally get nasty texts from my XP of 5 years. WE have a DD together, so I have to stay in contact with him.

Generally, it's things like me texting to ask to speak to our DD at night (he won't agree to a pre-arranged time) and, if I don't hear from him (say after an hour or so), when I text again I get a response accusing me of being controlling or ocd or that he doesn't have to put up with my bullshit.

When we first split up, I used to get really upset by the nastiness and I'd ignore his texts.

As I became braver, I now respond, but just keep it to things like - Don't talk to me like that. The only contact that I want from you, is that which concerns our DD.

I need to mention here that my XP definitely has narc traits as well as being physically and emotionally abusive to me when together.

I don't know though, if this is the best way of handling it. Should I go back to ignoring his outbursts or calling him on his bad behaviour.

Thanks,

T

In your experience which approach worked better?

Do you really need to talk with your DD in the evening?

how old is your dd?

She's 6 and yes, when she's with her Dad for 2/3 nights, I do speak to her once a day.

As t which approach worked best. Pros and cons with both, which is why I'm in two minds.

Ignoring feels like I'm backing down/agreeing with what he says, challenging feels like I'm standing up for myself, but obv provokes him further.

You simply cannot MAKE someone behave the way you want them to or talk to you way you would like. I would rise above it - if you can.

My suggestion is don't bite, keep to the subject, and don't enter into a tit for tat texting scenerio. You probably can't remember half of the arguements you have had in the past and won't remember the latest texting insults from him in a few weeks/months time, as they will simply be replaced by the latest insults making you feel angry and frustrated.

Don't waste your energy on it, just keep to the subject, ie your DD. You have my sympathy!!

Can I clarify - is the contentious issue to do with contact phone calls when your dd is with her dad? I suspect the issue is different views on contact when with the other parent. I wouldn't expect to speak to my dd when she was with her dad even at age 6, unless I had specific concerns or an issue came up. DSS is now a teen but for some years he has told his mum that he doesn't want to speak to her when he is with his dad. He finds it awkward and doesn't think it's necessary.

I think if you can't agree that contact calls should happen (for both sides) then you should consider going for a contact arrangement and request that you can have calls when she is with her dad.

How is your dd with her dad, does she enjoy time with him?

On your specific question - if you get unsolicited rants from your ex then I would ignore however if they are in response to your calls about contact then I think you have to find a way to agree what happens. maybe 1 call in 2-3 days would be a good compromise.