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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Falling out of love, can I fall back in?

14 replies

BrieAddicted · 09/04/2012 20:17

I'm feeling very distant from DH, he is a lovely guy and I do love him dearly on one level. But I am increasingly beginning to realise that I am not 'in love' with him. Although this is to be anticipated following marriage, I thought it would be replaced with something deeper and more satisfying instead of emptiness. Can I fall back in love with him? If so, how?

We hardly have time for one another (something I blame him for and he does not/will not change) and we have a non-existent sex life. On the outside our lives look picture perfect but I find myself sad, alone, irritated.... We're only in our late twenties, with no kids, our lives should be fun!

Has anyone any words of wisdom? Sorry for the ranting, I just don't feel like I have anyone I can talk to in real life and I don't want to shatter the illusion of our lives by talking about it...

It's at the stage where I want him to have an affair. Firstly he would be happy (I hope) secondly it would at least at a dynamic to our relationship and thirdly it might be a catalyst to end things. I'm truly sorry to anyone who has suffered and been hurt by infidelity, I don't to be inappropriate. I'm just confused.

OP posts:

awbless · 09/04/2012 20:21

In my experience of relationships (and it is vast) the answer to you question is NO.

This is over, time to move on.

RockinD · 09/04/2012 20:24

Isn't this just marriage? We are very much like this, I work 9-5 Mon-Fri, but my DH is a working musician who rehearses at odd times days and evenings and works evenings as well. Sometimes we can go several days (or even longer) without seeing each other properly and we do feel that we lose the connection.

When we feel like that, we make time for each other and just spend time together, then the connection comes back, we generally have sex at some point, and we move on.

Maybe you just need to identify why you don't have time for each other, put this right and see what follows?

feelokaboutit · 09/04/2012 20:26

Hi Brie, I can relate to your wanting him to have an affair because I think thoughts like that about my h (again no disrespect to people who have been through this). The only difference is that we are further down the line than you and have three kids. Without the kids there is no doubt in my mind that I would no longer be with him.
You are young. Please don't keep your thoughts to yourself for fear of "shattering the illusion of our lives by talking about it".... One day you may find yourself pregnant and then any action you want to take will be much harder. You may discover by talking that you can improve things (into something very good - don't settle!), or that in fact you can separate. It is not a drama and you are lucky that you feel like this at this stage when you still have a. your life ahead of you and b. no kids (sorry to keep on going on about it).
I wish you all the best .

themildmanneredjanitor · 09/04/2012 20:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

BrieAddicted · 09/04/2012 20:29

Thanks for the replies. As stupid as it sounds, we haven't time for each other because he relaxes in his little free time by playing on the computer. He plays for an hour or so each night/early am. When I object, which I have, many times, he says I am trying to make him feel guilty for wanting to relax with his friends. God, that sounds so pathetic written down!

OP posts:

helpyourself · 09/04/2012 20:34

Does he know how you feel? There is no reason to stay if you don't love him.

Back2Two · 09/04/2012 20:40

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

WeAreBornToSmile · 09/04/2012 20:41

Have you tried relate op? They are very good at what they do if you can see the right person

TheMareofCasterbridge · 09/04/2012 20:46

IMHO wanting him to have an affair is just trying to get him to make the decision and be the "bad guy", rather than you ending it. If you really want that, you probably need to end it'll just be more horrid when it does.
I let things continue long past my relationship's end and now am trapped. Get out whilst you can.

amillionyears · 09/04/2012 21:09

I am not a relate counsellor, but having a non-existent sex life should be ringing alarm bells for you and your DH.
What does he say about the situation?
Does he realise you have had enough?
He needs to realise how serious the situation has become.

Original poster

BrieAddicted · 10/04/2012 12:52

Thanks for all of the replies. I had a mini breakdown last night and I think it dawned on him that our marriage needs a bit of tlc. The sex issue is really our main problem and that wasn't addressed in our discussions night but we'll take it one step at a time, start having fun together again and think about how we're going to tackle that. I feel less hopeless this morning. Thanks for your help!

OP posts:

newbie6 · 10/04/2012 14:15

Hi,

I can totally understand how you feel, I am in my mid thirties, no kids and married since I was 25. Like you, I do love my husband but am struggling to 'fancy him' anymore if that makes sense. It is so difficult talking about it as everyone thinks we are perfect together and in a way we are but I feel like I am living with my best friend. Recently, I am trying to make a conscious effort to do more things together but if I'm honest, I keep wondering if it is normal to feel like this? My husband is a lovely man and I feel he deserves to be with someone who fancies him and wants to be with him all the time and sadly at the moment, that isn't how I feel. I stupidly embarked on an affair and have been in touch with someone who I am pretty sure I am in love with for the last 10 years but I also wonder if I lived with him, would I stop fancying him too as maybe that is just what living with someone does to you, you miss the excitement etc? Who knows, I wish you lots of luck anyway!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/04/2012 14:25

I think that if you want him to have an affair you're actually saying that you want him to be happy, just not with you. Some relationships can benefit from everyone making a big effort to reconnect. Some simply reach a natural end when it's best to say 'thanks for the memories' and part on good terms. A lot of people fall into so-called 'starter marriages' in their early twenties. They're with someone nice and everyone's getting married so they go for it themselves, not having really thought through the implications. They tend to fail before age 30.

Snowsister · 10/04/2012 14:27

It sounds to me like you feel neglected, unseen and unimportant to him. His behaviour seems to be to focus all his attention elsewhere. You said you had a "mini breakdown" and stuff has dawned on him. Would it not cross his mind if you didnt make a fuss?

No wonder you are withdrawing from him. I think you do still love him but you are trying to protect yourself.

It sounds as if you have agreed now to make time for each other. If, as you plan, you start having fun together etc the sex should improve too. Best of luck.

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