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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Urgent help needed!!!!

25 replies

Feellikerubbish · 09/04/2012 19:18

Been with dp for 17 years. Relationship always been very sexual. I had a very high sex drive until the birth of our son, 4 years ago. The first year or so, sex was still good but the quantity went down from 5-6 times a week to once or twice.

There was a family bereavement 2 years ago, during which dp turned to sex, wanted it more than me. We worked different hours, me day time and him nights which meant love making was always either very early in the morning when I have to get to work and get son ready for nursery or in the middle of the night when I'm fast asleep and he comes back from work.

I had problems falling pregnant, had two minor surgeries and as a result lost one of my fallopian tubes. Ivf seemed inevitable and we had all the relevant tests. Was also adviced to have sex every other day which wasn't fun.

I fell pregnant naturally. Baby no.2 born 6 weeks ago. The birth was easier than my first. My first, I had forceps delivery, episiotomy and extended tear. This time only first degree tear but had problem urinating for the first 3 weeks, had to stand to wee otherwise couldn't go. Although all healed well on the outside now, the opening to the urethra is still slightly swollen and uncomfortable. Sometimes still have to wee standing.

Dp wants to try sex but I don't feel like it. My libido is not what it once was. I feel drained and tired and sex quite frankly isn't important to me anymore. This is causing major friction and a lot of stress.

Would like to hear from other women and men, what sex life is like after kids. How long did it take for you to have sex again after childbirth?

OP posts:
EggyFucker · 09/04/2012 19:24

Let me get this right.

Your partner is pressurising you for sex only 6 weeks after birth, despite the fact that you are not fully healed physically ?

Really ?

And you are looking for what ?

Some idiotic posters will come on here and say "I shagged my maaaaan 6 hours after delivering triplets and two of them were breech, and we did it on the labour ward under the nurse's noses"

Others will say it took 12 months or more before they felt able to happily resume penetrative sex

In other words, it doesn't matter what everybody else is doing/has done

The fact is, your bloke is an arsehole who thinks his right to sex trumps your physical comfort

Deal with that, you will have your answer

mumblechum1 · 09/04/2012 19:26

I think you just have to tell him you're not ready yet.

HateBeingCantDoUpMyJeans · 09/04/2012 19:28

He is being a knob head.

ChickenSkin · 09/04/2012 19:29

He is being a penis. I HATE "men" like this. Selfish bastard.

Hebiegebies · 09/04/2012 19:30

:(

No is the only answer you can give him for now

RandomMess · 09/04/2012 19:32

I had sex fairly soon after each of my children but because I wanted to, and it certainly didn't go back to being frequent/how it was before for a looooooooooong time indeed.

He is being completely unreasonable Angry

Shakey1500 · 09/04/2012 19:33

Everything eggyfucker has said.

We didn't have sex for TWO YEARS after ds birth (4thdegree tear, 4 operations over the 2 years) and DH waited. He waited because he respects me, my body and our marriage. And he's still here.

Wait until YOU are ready and not before. If he keeps putting pressure on you tell him to either have a wank and be done with t or do one.

GravyHadALumpyMashBaby · 09/04/2012 19:39

Only 6 weeks!?

I think I waited 5 months(ish).
But then my Dh isn't really an arsehole.
Hope you're ok OP.

Sweepitundertherug · 09/04/2012 19:48

6 weeks and you're not healed. He can swivel. Frankly.

MerryMarigold · 09/04/2012 19:52

Different people have different opinions on this....well, I think you could try ahem things other than penetrative sex. NO WAY to that if you 're still healing, and am sure he will understand. But I guess he has been waiting a while by his standards, so is just asking...I would prefer to give a helping hand than have him turn to masturbation or porn, but that's me.

EggyFucker · 09/04/2012 20:02

Since Op was referring to her urethra still being swollen, I imagine he is pushing for penetrative sex

If Op comes back, perhaps she could clarify

Feellikerubbish · 09/04/2012 20:20

Yes, penetrative sex. Three nights in a row hes asking me to just try, if it hurts then stop straight away. I just don't want sex, don't feel like it, not even kissing.

OP posts:
fiventhree · 09/04/2012 20:23

"just to try"!

My h has been a right shit on occasion, but he's never said that!

Tell him to just try a little consideration!

IDontWantToBeFatAnymore · 09/04/2012 20:28

The "just to try" is really offensive Angry.

You tell him no and no again until he gets the message.

With DC1 we did it around 6 weeks as we thought we were meant too to tell the midwife if there were any problems and it was a pretty tense experience, and I had had a section so down below was as before.

Shakey1500 · 09/04/2012 20:34

I'd say the "just try it" is really manipulative. Putting the onus on you, thus making you feel negative as if somehow, it's your "fault".

Absolutely tell him to stuff it. Tell him to STOP asking and that you will let him know when you're ready to even think about it.

EggyFucker · 09/04/2012 20:44

No, love, don't "just try" unless you really want to

now whether that is next week, or months from now, it is your choice

your body, your rules

Eurostar · 09/04/2012 23:35

You have had to endure pain etc. in order for him to have children. If he cannot bear a little sexual frustration, he is not worthy of you. If he actually has a serious problem with needing to mask other feelings with the high of sex (you say he turned to more sex after bereavement), really he needs to address this, it's like a drink problem to mask feelings except it is your body and mind that suffer rather than his.

BasilFoulEggs · 09/04/2012 23:38

He sounds fucking horrible.

You're a human being, not a fucking wank-sock.

How DARE he pressurise you like this.

How DARE he present you with a vision of sex that is all about him wanking inside you, not about a mutual activity.

I'd be disgusted and turned off by this specimen.

hoops997 · 09/04/2012 23:40

It took me a good 5 months to get back into it, that was after a textbook birth, no tears or anything your 'D'H is being a selfish twat, tell him to DIY until you're good and ready

hellymelly · 09/04/2012 23:48

I didn't even try for nearly six months, I'd had a c-section and my scar was tender, my tummy was numb and freaked me out, and the whole idea of anything was just "NOOOOOOoooo" in my mind for ages. My DH was completely fine about it and I would have felt horrible if he'd pressured me. You have a really tiny baby and you are still mending from the birth. He needs to bloomin well get a grip and think of you and what your amazing body has given you both. Sorry but he is being really selfish.

BustersOfDoom · 09/04/2012 23:56

I probably sound really ancient - am 44 - but I was told back in 1987 by the midwives not to even attempt sex until I had had the 6 week post birth check up by the GP and been given the all clear. No idea if that still happens but we were actually warned at ante-natal classes that having sex before you had been 'cleared' at 6 weeks could result in infection and in rare cases death due to air embolism.

My DP waited about 5 months before we had sex after the birth. He never nagged once. And he's still here. But he's not a selfish twat. Tell him to grow up, think of someone other than himself and have a wank. Shouldn't be too difficult as he sounds like a wanker.

TeaTeaLotsOfTea · 10/04/2012 00:05

Oh fuck your DP has been listening "shewhomustnotbenamed" hasn't he!!!

If you're not feeling like it then you're not feeling like it.

I went a bit off it after having DS. We were at it like rabbits before so DS was inevitable Grin. It was never the same again really (life and DS just got in the way)

Your body has changed and been through a lot so its no wonder.

Tell your DP he'll just have to wait.

HalfPastWine · 10/04/2012 01:42

Some men are either just selfish bastards or are totally ignorant to what a woman actually goes through both physically and emotionally. They just make me so Angry

differentnameforthis · 10/04/2012 02:45

Agree with the eggy one...I also think that what merry has said is offensive. Why is it up to us to make sure our partners don't stray or masturbate (not that I have an issue with that, I am sure there was plenty going on in my house as it took 4 months before I was ready the second time & then it was several after that - but that was down to different issues)

6 weeks after birth, still hurting to wee, still sore/uncomfortable - I am sure the op has other stuff on her mind than making sure her dh is 'satisfied'. Wonder how dh is helping the op with all this??

Thumbbunny · 10/04/2012 02:53

He is being a selfish knob and I'm disgusted with him, tbh. If he can't wait then he's no kind of husband.

If you're having trouble weeing now, because of swollen bits, it will be even harder after penetrative sex - and that may lead to you getting cystitis if you can't go, so tell him to back off.

I couldn't bear the idea of it for about 7m after DS was born; and even then it was a bit of a struggle but we needed to "get back in the saddle" as it were, and also start trying for #2. Still not overkeen now, and DS is 4.4 - but DH has been very good and never pressured me (thankfully he doesn't have a massive sex drive so it hasn't been quite as hard for him as for some men, I guess - but even so!)

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