Hello. Any advice or suggestions would be appreciated. If this bare-bones precis is enough to base advice upon.
We met via the internet in 2008, both childless and neither of us had ever married. Now 54, I am a dozen years older than X. By early 2010 we might have been in the last-chance saloon, but we got engaged and debated IVF; by late 2010 we had wonderful, healthy, twin sons - without IVF. The fairy story didn't last long. We have not so much as kissed since the day of the births; my periodic requests for celebratory hugs were always rebuffed. After six months I was ordered to move out; I was described as 'the anti-christ of partners' and assaulted both verbally and physically. I went to Relate but they said they could only help if X attended. Reading this, you have no way of knowing if perhaps I am indeed the worst imaginable partner; by way of character witnesses I can offer up my two previous ex-es, covering 20 years of my life, both of whom remain friends and who are appalled/astonished at what has happened.
I doubt that I was perfection personified, but I took the full fortnight of paternity leave and after that I handled most of the chores. X didn't shop, cook, or wash up. We also had a cleaner and ironer. I helped with feeds, nappies etc in the night. I did go away for two nights a week on business but that was less than previously, and unavoidable. However, X's mother is local and always helped out, usually staying overnight.
It might sound like a textbook case of PND (I have enough cute notes and cards to remind me that we remained in love right up to the births), but the Health Visitor and GP say X is fine. She has returned to work two days a week and appears to be enjoying it. Incidentally it is probably relevant that X's mother never liked me. She is the matriarch of a large, close, family. A woman who married in (but is now out) has told me how hard the mother makes it for outsiders.
I had moved 200 miles to be with X and have no friends or family in this area so it's a little lonely. I see the boys for nearly two hours each evening but have never been allowed even to take them for a walk; I can only see them in X's front room. I've only been present at bath time twice in eight months; X prefers to bath them alone or with her mother (and no, I've never dropped them!).
The $64,000 question - when do I give up hoping that X will return to her old self? X has her family to help when she takes the boys away, or out for the day; I feel I would need a partner to make it work well and safely, and I'd like to create a happy family home for the boys to visit, assuming X ever allows it. I don't want to write off the relationship prematurely but it's over a year since I became despised/hated, and who am I, a lone voice, to argue with the professionals who say that X is not depressed?
Thanks for reading this. P.