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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable?

16 replies

amibeingunreasonable · 07/02/2006 13:04

Sorry, I've changed my name as I think my mum reads this too.

I just wanted some other views on this - in case pg hormones are altering my perception of things.

My DH has got a really difficult course to do. It will last about 4 months, but he can within reason choose when it starts. He is proposing a start date of April, so would finish end of July. Whilst he's on the course he won't be able to live at home, and will probably be busy most weekends.

The problem - I'm pregnant and due in June. In my last pg I had pre-eclampsia and spent a lot of time in hospital. I eventually had a c/s, and was out of action for a while. When DH had to go back to work, I had family to stay and help for a while, and then I went to stay with my parents. That won't be an option this time.

I'm just worried that this might happen again. I'm hoping for a natural birth this time, but the reasons which led to my last c/s are likely to arise again. I don't know what I'd do with ds (2yrs) if I had to go into hospital. I also don't think I could cope by myself with a 2 yr old and a newborn.

I don't think dh has even considered what would happen if the baby wasn't born on a weekend - he literally won't get any time off from this course at all.

Am I being unreasonable? I know some people have to cope in similar situations, but would anybody chose to do this? Please tell me I'm not going mad - my DH really thinks that this is a viable option, and that if there are any problems, he will just have to deal with them when they happen, but doesn't think that there will be any.

OP posts:
colditz · 07/02/2006 13:08

No you're not being unreasonable, he is being very thoughtless.

Either that, or he is being thoughtful, for his own benefit. If he can choose when to do the course, why on earth choose a time when the baby is definately going to be born, unless it is so you can miss out on the horribly stressful first weeks with a newborn?

alexsmum · 07/02/2006 13:08

no you are not being unreasonable -he is.
give him a kick.

mummytosteven · 07/02/2006 13:10

He is being very selfish. Assuming this course is really essential, he should have done it earlier on in your PG.

controlfreaky · 07/02/2006 13:10

and another one from me.

Flamesparrow · 07/02/2006 13:12

I'm with kicking him too....

QE2 · 07/02/2006 13:12

How flexible can the start of the course be? Can he have a word and delay the start until after the baby is born?

Better to delay the start then see it through rather than start it and have to abandon it half way should you need him to take time off if you get pre-eclampsia again.

Even if you don't and everything goes smoothly, you still need full time support for at least the first month. He should delay it until after the baby is born.

Twiglett · 07/02/2006 13:13

he's being totally unreasonable

he shouldn't start it before August IMHO and even then only if you're fine

Original poster
amibeingunreasonable · 07/02/2006 13:14

He hasn't had a chance to do it any earlier, but he could start it later. I think he's just got chatting with his boss, and they've decided between them that it would be a good idea professionally for him to do it now. I think part of him is a bit scared to say no, I've got family matters to think of. I've said all along that this wouldn't be an option, so I'm really upset that he can even ask me if I mind - he should know for himself that it's not an option.

I had quite bad PND last time, and I'm really scared about getting it again, especially as I have a lot less family support this time.

I said to him - do you remember how hard it was in the first few weeks with ds, and his response was that I told him it would be easier second time around

OP posts:
Original poster
amibeingunreasonable · 07/02/2006 13:16

Thankyou for those responses - I might just email him a link to this thread

OP posts:
colditz · 07/02/2006 13:18

Threaten to ring his boss and cry over the phone that you are having a baby and you need him to be there.

Should put the frighteners up him. I hate it when men won't stand up to their bosses and trample all over their partner's needs in the process!

caffeine · 07/02/2006 13:23

agree with others on this thread. You are not being unreasonable. You both are having this baby, responsibility should be shared, if not equally, then at least in some way. You have correcly identified what might be some difficulties and it would be really sacrificing your family life for him to not acknowledge this. Maybe you could sell it to him that if he were to wait then at least you might be able to help him during the course, as opposed to him receiving no help at all.

Caligula · 07/02/2006 13:24

You are totally not being unreasonable. Your DH is mad.

geekgrrl · 07/02/2006 13:26

sounds like an idea so deranged considering the circumstances that it could only come from a man.
How exactly are you meant to cope? If you have another CS, who will lift your toddler or drive to the shops? Father Christmas?
Surely waiting a few months isn't going to make a vast amount of difference to your dh's career.

lemonstartree · 07/02/2006 13:26

no definitely NOT.

I would have been horrified if my dh had suggested being away for one night at the time our babies had been due..... he is nuts! (or selfish)

Good luck!

Original poster
amibeingunreasonable · 07/02/2006 13:51

Thanks everyone

Just spoken to him - after going mad at him on the phone earlier, and he can start in September (if he pleads the wife having a baby excuse to not start in April). Why didn't he just do that in the first place without putting me though two hours of upset. MEN

OP posts:
controlfreaky · 07/02/2006 15:18

kick him anyway for the unnecessary aggro.

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