Does ex want me to kick him out? Vent

[fedupat5am]

Aaaargh - have been too pissed off to sleep after talking to ex by phone last night.

We're currently in the middle of an amicable divorce (based on his drinking, lying and financial fecklessness - all closely linked) but generally get along. He is still living in the spare room and paying me rent. (I bought the house without any contribution from him and he is not claiming anything in the divorce.) DD is a preschooler and absolutely loves her dad.

Last night he tells me that he had been doing some clearing up while I was away with family and had thrown away a bag of my old stuff from a cupboard. I couldn't remember what was in the bag but was mildly irritated (he has given valuables away before and had to get them back from charity shops) and said I would prefer him to ask about that kind of thing first. He said that he tried to call but when he couldn't get through he decided to just put stuff in the bin.

Clearly drunk, he then launched into a tirade about my untidiness, generally slovenly housekeeping, how hard to live with I am etc.. (We both work FT and do about half of the housework each but with bad grace and constant moaning from him since his mum used to do everything and then shine the sink...I do 80% of the childcare, dealing with childminder, bedtime etc.. down from 95% when DD was a baby.)

DD is sitting right next to me, waiting to say goodnight to her dad, and family are in room next door so I am limited in how loudly and angrily I can respond. I say that we can discuss properly when I'm back.

I later get an apparently apologetic text which ends by saying that he'd love me more if I apologised more often!?

By this stage I am absolutely fuming. Casual disrespect for my property aside, DH is choosing to live with us. As long as he stays close enough to see DD I'm happy for him to go tomorrow. He cannot be unaware of this. The house would certainly be tidier without all his games consoles, big screens, trailing wires and empty bottles.

The whole conversation now seems so utterly designed to piss me off that I wonder if it was deliberate and he wanted me to end it by telling him that I want him out?

Any outside perspective welcomed. I'm too cross and tired to think straight.

Whether it's what he wants or not, I'd suggest that's what happens next. You don't get on with the man or he wouldn't be an ex. 'Amicable divorce' is an oxymoron. Kick him out and start enjoying life again...

Living under the same roof as an ex rarely works, and regardless of if he wants you to kick him out, you probably should. Been there, done that.

It's not good for anyone, as it leaves you in a strange position where no-one can reallymove on.

I would think this was more to do with him being drunk than any kind of strategy. But I would agree with the others - it's time for the guy to go.

Another perspective on this is that it would also be beneficial to him to move out. It is humiliating to go from his former status to 'lodger', and he needs to start building an independent life and being responsible for himself if he's to ever to grow up and find some self-respect. You're also still talking about him as a hands-on partner which is not allowing you to get used to the idea of being a single parent. Get ready to do all the work around the house & all the bedtimes and not be able to complain. So you'd be doing him a favour...

Thanks for the good advice. I know that I need him to go and that we're both currently trapped in a nomansland of not quite one thing or the other but don't have a clear plan for this. I wrongly imagined that once we had agreed to divorce he would be keen to pack a bag and move out quickly. After years of discussion there was no real groundswell of emotion to force the split quickly when I eventually started The Final Conversation. But little things like this are really grinding me down.

You're probably right that the row on Saturday was just alcohol fuelled rather than calculated. I just don't understand what he's still doing here or why he would want to pick such a stupid fight with me.

Perhaps 'tolerable divorce' is a better description than "amicable divorce" - I just mean that we're not constantly rowing or trying to take one another to the cleaners over money or access.

Perhaps I need to get angrier but feel as though I've exhausted my reserves on his problems over the years.

My mother is also a very temperamental, irrational person and I've grown up with the habit of trying to keep situations calm while I figure out what is going on. I don't feel that this helped in a marriage that was probably doomed from the word go.

I think your daughter is being set some very bad examples by allowing him to live under your roof

Get him out. He's taking the piss: he is quite happy to carry on cocklodging but thinks that he can do what he likes as he's not your partner any more, but because you still want him in DD's life you are prepared to cook and clean for him. It's time he moved on.

give him a deadline to move out and get tough.
you are choosing to allow him to live in your house and it isnt working.
he needs to leave and make his own life and you can then discuss how oten and which days dd stays with him etc.

AnyFucker is right. It was the bad example to DD point that was the final trigger for the divorce. I've had my head down filing papers, getting him to sign them, trying to be civilised for the past few months. Now after this row, I feel like I've looked up and discovered that although the divorce is nearly through, nothing has actually changed. DD is still living in the same environment with the same dysfunctional behaviours being played out in front of her.

I do need to get tougher. Shuffling divorce papers and negotiating everything haven't been very productive.

Yes, I need a deadline, a plan and a bit of backbone.

Good luck x

Good for you. At the moment you're just prolonging the agony - for everyone. Time to move on.