Any advice on this aspect of relationship? Am I being petty?

[dreamless24]

Ok firstly a bit of background. Me and DP have been together 7 years and have 2 DC aged 5 and 3.

We have had our serious ups and downs but weathered things that we thought we would split over (once we were both convinced it was the end for both of us, but came back from it), problems on both sides. However now we are relatively happy, nothing more than the normal everyday niggles and stress of children but I guess we both pull our weight and feel loved etc.

He works 5 nights a week either 3 backshift/ 2 full nightshift, and I work 3/4 dayshifts. We share childcare because it's really expensive to pay for it and our shifts work that way, although it means we don't see each other all that much, but I don't really mind as long as we have some time together. It does mean that it's generally quite "work-childcare-work-childcare" pattern for both of us though, Housework is generally a 50/50 split although I do most admin and shopping. Finances are a 50/50 split because I earn around the same as him even though less hours.

I have two problems.

Firstly his serious reluctance to have discussions about anything in which I may be unhappy about something regarding "us" or "him". It doesn't matter how I put it or word it, he just shuts off, avoids and thinks he is being made out to be "the bad one". I hate bringing up discussions with him because I literally have to coerce, drag him kicking and screaming, almost threaten him, before he will engage in a discussion. He does have a completely overbearing, over the top family - I can't deal with their OTT emotional displays etc for 30 mins a month , never mind anything else! So that may explain why he shuts off, as he's quite a quiet person. However sometimes I think he does it deliberately so he doesn't have to acknowledge my feelings or any problems he may be partly responsible for etc. Sometimes I wonder if he makes bringing an issue up so much effort that he hopes I will just give up and not bother then he will have a quiet life without having to explain anything. Our arguments can sometimes escalate quite fast because I get frustrated that I feel he is not listening. I'm a practical person and need things explained and concrete plans for example, sometimes to the point of needing them repeated over and over, reassurances etc. Basically, We are shit at communicating. Our styles don't mix. This has caused so many problems over the years, but somehow we have both worked at issues in the end and actually have a lot of affection and fun now.

I don't know if this is just 'me' , but I am quite young (9 years younger than him), and with having 2 DC I'd like a bit of a social life, to go out with friends and my sister. We do go out as a family sometimes, but just for "me" I'd like to. MIL used to babysit regularly but now rarely can as she moved house, she only comes down for big events if me and DP want to go to together like a wedding. Obviously with his shifts being backshift and nightshift, it would have to be on his days off which I don't mind.

I know we both work and when one is at work the other is doing childcare pretty much, but I feel it's unfair that he always uses his "but I work nights" excuse for not looking after them so I could go out. He sometimes goes to the pub down the street on his evenings off about once a week and I'm just expected to be in the house anyway, he just informs me he is going to watch footie and when he'll be back. I can imagine if I did the same his face would be like this ! Otherwise he very rarely goes out. Last time was about a year ago! If I bring it up he does his defensive thing and says "well I have them all day when they are at their most energetic THEN I have to go to work, you come in at 6pm when they are about to go to sleep at 8 so have evenings free" . That's it . Discussion over in his mind. But what about me wanting to get out and about , go to cinema with my sister or out for drinks with friends etc?? I'm not asking for much, once a month would be fine.

I keep thinking perhaps I should just TELL him "I'm going out on Thursday night to ..... I'll be back at 11pm so you will need to stay in for kids. I'll cook dinner before I go" and just smile and see what happens.

Or ask him if he could and point out that I do childcare for him if he wanted some free time.

Instead I go mad at him about it and start arguments because I don't seem to ever get anything I want in this relationship without a fight. sigh..... and I am in a way scared of him saying "no" as then it will open a bigger can of worms as inequality of leisure time is not something I want to tolerate, and every other aspect seems to be going so well between us, this past year has been better than it's been in years.

The communication problems do go both ways. I can never seem to broach subjects in a non-confrontational manner because my way of communication is angry and confrontational (learned I think) and his response is passive aggressive avoidance.

Anyone any advice (for my very long post) ?

Hi dreamless, I'n pretty much in the same boat as you! DH has worked nights for the past 7 years, I work days, DS x 2 at school, I drop off and he picks up and that takes care of not paying out for child care (though mine are 13 and 15 but we live 4 miles from school, not near bus route).

Over the years I've become resentful towards the fact that I've ended up staying in pretty much all of the time. Yes, I know he works nights and that brings money in, but that doesn't make it any easier when I'm pulling my hair out at having missed yet another opportunity to go out and let my hair down. DH isn't too bothered about socialising apart from the odd night out (very rare) so he doesnt see the attraction. Me on the other hand, well I want to put some glad rags on, get slaughtered with some mates and laugh the night away.

DH does get the hump when I go out but I've found, over time, that if I give him enough notice, promise I'll miss him () and let him know where I'm going (he does like to worry), it's all good!

You are entitled to a night out and if he can't handle that then he needs to look at himself. There's times in the past where I've turned down a night out knowing he'd be pissed off but I'm at the stage where I need my life too.

DH can be insecure (not that I'd even consider cheating etc.), so I have to try to meet him halfway, reassure him - maybe that's a bit lame, but I find it keeps things ticking along.

The hardest part is keeping your cool. It's so easy to erupt because you've already wound yourself up knowing the reaction.

Be strong and stand your ground, at worst you'll come back to a cold shoulder and silence!!!

I'd also add that DH often thinks he's in the right, yeah whatever

The hardest part is keeping your cool. It's so easy to erupt because you've already wound yourself up knowing the reaction

^ You've hit the nail on the head there! I very often do that in life. I do it all the time with DP. I think it's partly due to the fact that I know we are rubbish at communicating, he is rubbish at seeing anything from my point of view, it makes me angry and at times I think he can be selfish. He would probably say yes to looking after them on his night off (he does enjoy spending time with them), but if he said no or else promised to do it and then changed his mind, I KNOW I'd be livid and furious, so part of me doesn't want to start the possibility of an argument.

Fortunately he doesn't mind if I go out or get jealous that I may cheat or anything he's never said that, he didn't mind if I went out when his mum did the babysitting, just doesn't seem too enthusiastic to do something I ask/demand. He seems to see a lot of things I ask from him as 'demanding' - although he doesn't actually say this but his facial expressions and stuff says it all.

Oooh, my DH is very good with the facial expressions

It sounds like your relationship is pretty solid and that's a major plus!

The one thing I've had to try hard at is the communication. We can be like children - arms crossed, sulky faces, sitting in silence!!

There are times that I couldn't give a shit that he's worked all night and only had 5 hours sleep (not my problem), but when I start to think about it, I can rationalise, take a deep breath and see it from both sides.

Our relationships has had major ups and plenty more downs, but I love him and wouldn't want to be with anyone else.

Building yourself up for a fall only ignites that fire. Play it out in your mind before you start taking (where possible), deep breath, smile and see reason ( even if your taking a knife to his throat in your mind).

Some of my friends have no comprehension of the 'night shift' world and don't understand it's limitations and that can at times make me angry at DH when I see their 'freedom' and ability to just decide on a Friday afternoon to hit the town that weekend. But, I don't think I'd have it any other way.

Communication (as easy as it sounds), is the key!!!

Talking not taking, god darn spell checker!!!!

Surely the simple solution here is a babysitter!

We can't really afford a babysitter )-:

Well maybe if I scrimped and saved I could afford one about once a month. But then I think why should I when I enable him to go to the pub (granted it's only down the road - you could walkie-talkie him!) , why can't he take one of his 8 nights off per month to watch them? He stays in mostly anyway! It's like he thinks that if there is any kind of confrontation, he must "win" , cannot let the other person "make" him do something. It's very tiring sometimes.

Do you not have a friend who you can each do a favour for, by her babysitting for you and you returning the favour for at a later date?

It sounds like you dont really get any time for the two of you either, without the kids, which might help. You need time together as a couple, not just as a family all the time.

Agree squeaky! In the past I didn't want to spend time with DH because he 'resented' me going out. The the penny dropped and I realised that we needed time together, on our own, as well as apart.

It's so hard to balance that, but i found that I had to try to think it through beforehand (having spent many years just cursing him in my head, knowing he'd put the 'wall' up as soon as I spoke).

Take a deep breath, consider what you have, want, need, and then put a plan of action together. This may mean adjusting your way of thinking (the habits you've fallen into) to decide whether what you have is worth working at, but don't give up at the first hurdle.

Not really, i have friends but none of my friends really need babysitting - they have their families or partners working sociable hours who do it for them, and I don't feel I could ask a favour without them needing it back, I'd feel like I was using them a bit.

We occasionally get time away as a couple when his mum comes down. But not very often, especially with his shifts.

I will just have to take a deep breath and broach the subject with him without me getting worked up first. He is usually fair and reasonable EVENTUALLY. But it's such an effort to get him to discuss anything...