My mum criticising my parenting :-(

[FourYolksAche]

I wish it didn't get to me so much, but it does

I don't see much of her, thankfully I now live far from her. We have a difficult relationship at the best of times (my father's suicide and her subsequent alcoholism and turfing me out as a teenager) but I thought having a child would bring us closer together. Not so - she came to stay for the weekend and constantly either openly criticised what I was doing with 4mo DS or made a face. Feeding, routines, sleep, affection, literally everything! I have worked really hard to gain confidence and self-assurance as an adult and one weekend with her was enough to reduce me to a panicked and unconfident wreck.

Please join me for a rant if your mum is as toxic as mine? She makes me determined to be a loving and supportive mother to my own children. But I have not contacted her since that weekend (she never calls me anyway) and want to block her out if she is going to damage me again.

Thanks Antlers. I thought about writing her a letter or email, but it would just all come gushing out how much she upsets me that I kinda think it's not worth it.

She's had enough pain in her life I think and I don't want to hurt her more, to be another family member rejecting her.

But at the moment she has got away with being horrible to me which I don't think is very fair either.

I think she sees me and my perfect life and is jealous and wants to undermine me.

Sorry for stream of consciousness post

Why not write her a letter - get it all down, pour it all out - then don't send it? It's very catharic.

It seems (from your couple of posts) that you feel an obligation to her - or at least that you don't want to hurt her by 'rejecting' her. So I think you only have one option and that is to re-set your view of your relationship with her.

• stop thinking of her as your 'Mum' and stop thinking about what she should be giving you (emotionally)
• stop needing/wanting her approval

Instead

• treat her as an older person who needs your help (not you hers)
• do not allow her to undermine your parenting

This will be really really hard to do, but I think it's the only way you can cope if you want/need to keep her in your life :(

I really don't think she will change and any attempt to get her too will just be hard on you and test your relationship even further.

Some counselling might help her - but you'd probably have a hard job getting her there.

Keep posting - it will help you organise your thoughts.

Thanks Chipping. Yeah it does help posting about it. I went for counselling when I was younger about my dad's suicide and to my confusion ended up bawling my eyes out in every session about my relationship with my mum instead.

Counsellor was a bit shit though, MN collective wisdom far better.

I'm still a bit scared to write a letter though even without the intention to send... I do need her approval and it is too weird to change that. I do try sometimes to see her as a person and not as my mum.... So although I haven't called her I have sent emails and texts about DS including pics. I know she'll be delighted to receive them and I don't have to have a conversation with her which will involve mebeing disappointed - as I always am.

I think I need some gin

Counselling is strange - if the counsellor is good, it's invaluable, if the counsellor isn't good it can do more harm than good... it's a risk.

Why do you feel scared writing it all down (with the intention of not sending it)? I really think it would do you good to just let it all pour out of you...

I think if you continue to need her approval you are on a hiding to nothing :( She has made it clear, since before you were even a teenager, that nothing you can do will get her approval (hasn't she?). I think 'weird' to change it - is just something you are going to have to work on if you don't want to keep feeling like shit.

You have to understand that this is about her, not you. You could be the most perfect person in the world and you still wouldn't get her approval. It sounds as though she had plenty of her own issues before your Dad committed suicide and that would really mess with the most 'sorted' person.

I couldn't abandon her either - but I could take a firm line in how much I was going to allow it to impact on how I felt about myself and how I parented my children.

Fouryolks - I know how you feel...mine the same, for as long as I can recall, but to do with being a mother some gems of hers- when we announced pregnancy no congratulations, instead 'I didnt think you wanted children', when I was co sleeping with baby 'you are making a rod for your own back' when 1yr old eating and food inevitably ending up on floor 'look at the mess, she's making she should be eating properly by now' when 4yr niece was told off incredibly sternly by her for going into her bedroom and was in hysterics and I went to comfort her, I was in turn told off and told to leave her alone...and so on - I could go on for ages about my toxic mother. (I have cut contact now)

Oh yes, and she threw me out as a teenager too, threw my clothes etc out of bedroom window. Charming.

The only positive thing she has bought to my life is determination to bring up my own children in a loving, kind and secure environment.

Feel free to pm me x

I have a pretty good relationship with my mother and, nevertheless, she sees a baby (or older child) and goes into automatic 'mummy mode'. She loves letting any mums in the family have her opinion on everything from demand feeding (terrible), to breastfeeding (OK if you're 'not too particular') to bullying (didn't exist in her day). However, I don't see it as toxic or upsetting, just an old/experienced mother trying to pass on the benefit of her experience.... which is what everyone on Mumsnet does, let's be honest.

I've occasionally taken the advice... she has brought up two kids so she does know a thing or two. Rest of the time I reject the advice (or ignore it) and carry on as normal. When she has DS to stay, she can do as she wishes within reason :)

If you have problems with a parent that extend beyond some interference in your mothering skills, deal with those on their own merits. But do appreciate that what she's doing regarding your baby isn't necessarily all that unusual & can be dealt with without banishing someone from your life entirely.

Cogito I know I am overly defensive about what I'm doing with DS to my mum, and it's true that my hackles rise whenever she says anything at all. I know it's natural, my MiL does it too but clearly without the intention to upset. I am only mildly irritated and mostly amused by MiL's interfering offers of help.

Mum genuinely seemed out to criticise, it wasn't advice, just criticism. It's a control thing. Tbh if you haven't experienced a toxic parent it's hard to explain.

It is about needing her approval though. I had basically no contact with her for years, all through uni and building my career. I worked up to have my dream job and it's still not good enough for her. It's basically a much more senior version of my dad's job so I'm satisfied and know that he would've been proud of me. Now that I'm sahm she is saying I should build a business in something. Yeah like I have time!!

It's like she blamesme for dads death because we're similar, I remind her of him.

It would be so easy to cut her off as she never calls, I am the one who works to maintain any kind of a relationship. But then I'm just proving her right that people are bastards. She's so selfish

I cba trying to illustrate just how bad she is to me.. anyone who has a toxic ad controllig parent will understand.

Wolford - yep I had my belongings chucked out the backdoor in a rage because I was ill and sleeping on thefloor in thelounge as she had filled my bedroom with rubbish, clothes, empty bottles, magazines.. hoarding basically to the extent you couldn't get in. Shethen got annoyed that I was sleeping on floor in lounge and told me to get out throwing my stuff into the snow.. cue getting a bus for 2 hours to thw city and moving in with druggie boyfriend.

Maybe I should find a counsellor to work through this with thought main thing was dad's death but this is the thing that affects me all the bloody time.

"It is about needing her approval though."

If you've worked this out, then you probably don't need a counsellor. You can stop wanting her approval as a conscious decision. Takes practice and application but you're not Pavlov's Dog... you have a choice in how you react to the behaviour.

Do get counselling, she is toxic. You need to honestly decide if you do want to have any kind of relationship with her. Maybe your family "reject" her for good reason? You don't necessarily "owe" her anything.

Of course it gets to you. Most of us do want maternal support when we have young children, though sadly we do not all get it.

The menopause is for a reason, don't forget that.

I think we'd all like to think that having children brings people together but just like a marriage or partnership often it just highlights the problems that were already in the relationship and just like a marriage you have to decide how much shit you're prepared to let slide and what's a deal breaker for you.