Talking about a previous abusive relationship with your DP

[littlemachine]

I've been with my DP for nearly 2 years now, having escaped a physically and emotionally abusive relationship with my ex. We have a 16 week old DS and our relationship is completely wonderful.

DP knows I have been in two abusive relationships, as I freaked out when we had an argument (the only one we've had) and told him why, but told him I didn't want to talk about it. I have been able to talk to him about anything except this, which is really good for me, as I've always found talking about any problems very difficult.

I feel now we have DS, I probably should talk to him about it in a bit more detail, but I'm not sure how to broach it. I'm not even sure what, if anything, I want to achieve by telling him.

I was wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation and has any advice? Have you told current partners about previous abuse and how did you do it?

I don't have experience of this but I would advocate openness and honesty with someone you're planning a future with as you never know when your past experiences might impact on something that happens in the future (either with you personally or with you as a family) and if he's not armed with the information he won't be able to react or support you accordingly.

I haven't told DH everything. Just the broad brush strokes & generalisation. I'm not sure I'll ever tell him everything. Some things I feel so ashamed of IYKWIM. I know I shouldn't, but I do.

I told my dp about my ex when he asked why we had broken up. He doesn't really like to hear the details as ex is still in our lives as I have 2 dc with him. Dp finds it difficult to deal with knowing what ex did and not punching him.
I think just telling him as much as you are comfortable with is upto you. Just my ex was abusive is enough but if you want to say more then it could help you to deal with it.

I had to explain why I flinched and cowered if (now) DH accidentally cornered me or crept up on me. I couldn't let him touch my feet either, even accidentally.

We have talked a bit more about it since dd was born, partly because I want us both to help her grow up to see what a normal healthy relationship is and that some of my ways are because of an unhealthy relationship. I think it's normal to rehash stuff after you've had a child, it's such an emotional time and obviously it creates a huge bond with your DP. I've mostly talked about how it affected me, less of the detail of what happened and what triggered it.

I found this really hard too. At first I went for a kind of drip drip approach kind of saying "Hey this is really awesome, XP would have done XYZ" or "Urgh, this situation/place/whatever reminds me of one time XP did XYZ", but this wasn't a good approach as DP kept thinking that I wasn't over him since I brought him up so much and TBH I was saying these kinds of things a lot.

I don't tend to mention him at all now unless it's particularly relevant, some issue with DS, or something I have a really bad issue with, even then I don't go into detail. I find that I need to talk about it, but not with him.

I was good friends with my partner before we got together, so I told him about my ex in one of those drunken 'tell them your life story' kind of evenings. However, I haven't been able to say anything specific about what was done to me, or how it makes me feel. Sometimes I have panic attacks and he helps me through them.

It depends what you want him to know, and why. Perhaps having some kind of heart-to-heart session, just explaining what you've been through and comparing it with how happy you are now - maybe that might help you a bit? If you feel you need to share it with him, maybe he'd be happy to listen.

Thankyou, it's very helpful to hear your experiences. I am also ashamed and embarrassed about what happened, so I have never told anyone any detail, and have only acknowledged what happened at all out loud when I said to him about it during the argument.

It sounds like you're ready to get it all out of your head. It's normal to want to talk in detail about what happened to you, but it can be really hard to do that with a partner, just because they're too close to the situation IYSWIM. Perhaps you could sit down with your DP and just tell him the broad outline then see how it feels from there. If you don't feel you can tell him the whole thing, don't worry, that's not unusual. Would you consider counselling? Feelings of shame and embarrassment around abuse can be very destructive.

Remember, you were not responsible for your ex abusing you, he was. You have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about.

Thankyou Cailin. I am able to look at things quite objectively in that I absolutely know it wasn't my fault. The embarrassment is because I allowed myself to be treated that way, which is easy to think in hindsight.

I am definitely going to broach it soon, but I think you're right about not going into too much detail, at least not unless he asks. I'm not sure about counselling. I've tried it before for something else and found it very uncomfortable.

Counselling can be great or it can be awful, I've had both experiences.

Sounds as though it might be helpful talking to a counsellor about it, but ask for one who specifically deals in abuse.
As someone upthread said if there are any trigger points that make you panic/cower or feel trapped then it might be helpful to speak about those so that your DP understands why you might react to something that to another person might seem normal or just raised voices. Even if you just agree a safe word - rather like non-vanilla sex stuff - that you use when a nerve has been hit so that he understands to back off.
I'm out of an abusive relationship, but I find hearing other couples arguing anywhere can trigger things for me inwardly and set me back for a while.
Good luck with your new DP and the baby

this is in some ways similar to the dilemma of a rape victim, which i am . I have told my significant others about the attack, I've had maybe 3 serious relationships since and once i've felt safe enough and close to them I brought it up. I've never wanted to say everything and I have resisted answering questions, I've never told anyone the whole story as I feel some shame and blame even though I know it wasn't my fault. My advice would be to only say as much as you feel comfortable with.

and never feel pressured to say more than you feel ok with. If your DP can't cope with not having full disclosure he would need to get help, you do not have to reveal everything.

rosesnewdress - Sorry that you went through that

Thanks for the ongoing advice. Strangely enough, OH texted me to say he needed to talk to me about something, and when he got home he disclosed something that I didn't know about him and then said now I know everything about him. That kind of gives me a platform to talk about my past. It's the only thing he doesn't know about me, although as I said in my OP, he kind of does. He absolutely won't pressure me to tell more. He will just listen and say the right things, it's more about my struggle to get things out. I'm incredibly inarticulate when it comes to talking about myself.

I have told my dh a lot (we've been together 17 years now) but mostly in our early days because I would react to something innocuous badly. However, there were things that he didn't want to know because he found it so sickening. He couldn't/can't understand why my ex treated me like that.

Could you write your dp a letter. You don't have to put detail in it at this stage but it could act as an opening for both of you. tell him you feel like you want him to know some of it, if not all of it. I think counselling is also a good idea, it allows you to off load to someone who isn't emotionally involved and can deal with it while helping you to move forward.