help me stay uninvolved with p-a MIL :(

[donotoutplz]

namechanged, sorry. if you recognize me, please don't say so...

i'm pregnant with what will be the first grandchild for my MIL. we live abroad.

i'm not going to go into the massive backstory, but suffice it to say MIL is manipulative and controlling. she once had a veneer of loving care, but ever since we moved, she has been sticking the knife in.

it's quite clear to me that she is furious that we upped sticks without her "blessing", but neither DH nor I are the types in involve our parents in our lives at that level. it's nothing personal, but it is very clear that she has taken it personally.

her biggest gripe has been that we don't contact her enough. her solution: ensure that every contact with us includes at least one passive-aggressive gibe, sometimes quite nasty stuff really, re: religion, finances... REALLY personal and cutting stuff, and all tied up with the massive backstory i reference above.

this led DH to limit contact with them. which led to MIL playing the martyr more and more. which led to DH limiting contact even more... and so it has carried on.

my DH is NOT someone to pander to emotional games and has utter nerves of steel with this sort of thing. DH will NEVER allow her the influence she wishes to have over our child, and she is going to spit her dummy out ad infinitum in the belief that doing so will change his mind.

but it won't... she raised her son, how can she not know that this is not the way to approach him?? i feel quite sorry for MIL... she is playing a game that she should be able to see she will lose...

so now, DH has mailed to tell her we are expecting. (he has told me point blank he won't tell her via webcam etc. because he won't have her ruining a happy occasion with a cutting remark.)

and as i predicted to him, she frantically messaging me, trying to get ME to press-gang her son into Skyping her immediately. i fucking hate this. all i want is for this to be a happy occasion and instead we have to "manage" MIL.

i showed DH the messages and he is currently downstairs composing email to explain frankly to her exactly why he is not going to skype (gulp... i am not like DH! the thought of the fireworks that will ensue frankly terrify me) and why she needs to leave me alone and be respectful of us.

someone tell me i am doing the right thing by maintaining my distance/not replying to messages, and letting DH deal with it instead! i want to run in there and read over his shoulder and take control of this whole mess... but i know i shouldn't... i just wish this could be a HAPPY thing! gahhhh why does she have to make it so hard...?

His mother--his problem

Stay out of it i think

Let DH solely deal with her; he's had a lifetime of such and you have not. You have likely and fortunately come from a family where this type of familial dysfunction is thankfully unknown (your 8th paragraph indicates as much).

You and DH need to maintain a united front with regards to his mother and keep those boundaries you have even higher than they are now. She will not change her ways; she could go even more ballistic when your child is born and make all sorts of unreasonable demands on you and your child. Such toxic parents like your MIL often make for unreasonable toxic grandparents as well. Would suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward as this will help you a lot.

You cannot do reasoned argument with someone like your toxic MIL because its her way or no way. These people do not and never respond at all to any reasoned argument.

i know you're both right :(

my own childhood was rough, but DM and i patched things up and she would NEVER be like this. possibly because she knows i wouldn't stand for it. she knows she has to earn a place in my life through treating me with respect iyswim.

how can MIL not realise the same thing??? she just baffles me, she's an intelligent woman and should be able to see it...

i wish i understood, it would make it easier to handle...

DH says MIL sees herself as an ideal mother and therefore her children won't ever challenge her... can people really be so blind??? how can she think she is an ideal mother when she is so nasty to her own boy?

have reserved that book at the library, thanks for rec.

I really sympathise, as my MIL is fairly similar in that she is exceptionally possessive and tries to make us feel guilty on a regular basis about the fact that we live abroad (first the UK, where I am from, and now on the "other side of the world").

It sounds like your situation is even worse, though, if you can't even face her on Skype to announce your pregnancy. We did, and were happy to do so, despite the occasional harassment about being so far away. Although both of them were overjoyed, things actually got far worse when I was pregnant and once the baby arrived. She wanted to know exactly how I was, and to skype really regularly.

I do have a lot of empathy for her though, just because I know how much it hurts her that her son is so far away (and to be honest, not that great about staying in touch). And now that her grandchild is also far away. So I do make a huge effort to contact her regularly and let her see baby, and ignore any comments. I know that if we lived close by it would be much, much worse, as she is quite a controlling person and wants to impose her way of thinking on us. Having her and FIL to stay for 2 weeks when my child was a newborn was lovely for about a day and quickly became unbearable.

My partner tends to ignore most of the time (as I said, your partner's mother sounds worse, especially the nasty/personal comments), and I sometimes find myself bearing the brunt of it. Then I get upset, especially when he just tells me to ignore it too. More than 48 hours without a skype call and they are "worried", more than 4 days and we will get a telling off or an email complaint from FIL. Frustrating and sometimes upsetting, but just about bearable, because we do still want her in our lives and in our child's life. I also find it hard to understand why she can't just be nice, can't just enjoy the moments we have together, but there is so much negativity that it actually makes us dread calling and especially visiting.

That kind of makes me think that if your MIL is that bad over just you two living overseas, it will be even more difficult with a baby. I kind of feel it is a good thing that it's your partner who sets limits, but you do both have the right to decide what you can and cannot tolerate (even if it's him that tells her). I found it hurts exactly because we care, and want things to be nice, and maybe in the end we need to let go and just accept the relationship for what it is. And I know more than a few couples for whom it was just too hard, and cutting off contact was the only way to deal with it.

Definitely for my MIL she sort of believes she owns her children, and by extension her grandchildren. She has difficulty letting go, and in fact won't let go (even though the result is her son is driven further away). It's very sad and I remind myself of that everytime I'm biting my tongue over something...

I agree with the others. Just stay out of it. Sounds like your husband is a strong man, who is handling her in the best way.

It's really not going to help if you try to get in the middle of it. She's not going to be who you want her to be/wish that she was/think she should be.

Just redirect all her communications to you, to your husband and let him deal with her.

She's going after you because she thinks you are the easier target. Don't prove her right.

Your DH is handling this, and perfectly too, be there for him, cos it can't be easy having to do this.

Text her to say that this is between her son and her and that she can't use you to get to him.

She is a bully.

oh God I read the email before he sent it, it was SO HARSH (to my ear). i wanted DH to tone it down at first, but i saw his side of things. he's right. she won't listen to reason. all that's left is laying down the law.

DH has never been this confrontational with her... he's more just kept her at arm's length emotionally while still talking to her at times. but now he has a baby due everything has changed, he's gone all lion-protecting-pride. which is the right thing to do but i feel all off-balance if that makes sense. MIL had so much power and now all of a sudden, DH has stormed the castle! it's just weird!

Chingchok yes i agree this is all going to get worse once baby is here. like you, i can already feel the hysteria building around the pg alone.

i feel empathy for my MIL too, but at the same time, i can see how the sands are shifting. she used to be nice to me, because she thought if i was on her side, she could use me to get at DH... but since she realised i'll only ever support my H, i've become just another "rebellious child" for her to try to control. and she would use the baby in the same way she tried to use me

Hecate you're right, i want her not to be insane. and i have to remember hope is not going to triumph over experience. silly silly woman throwing her family away like this, all for the sake of having her way.

i haven't breathed a word since she messaged me. i feel bad because i told her i would email her back, but then DH caught wind of the whole thing and told me not to, that he would handle it. so i feel like i broke my word to her... but as DH says that's just a tactic of hers and i should ignore it. so i have.

Let him handle this. If she is dishing out PA insults, she has to be prepared that one day the worm will turn.

Your DH has had a life full of this, is now a parent and can see EXACTLY what she has done.

From the sounds of it, she has it coming.

Remember, you yourself said she was only nice to you thinking she could use you as a weapon against her own son.

Support your DH. He's doing no wrong.

Your DH is handling it so just be there to support him. Think you are lucky that he stands up to her. Good luck with baby ... Have you thought about telling mil that the baby is due later than what it reAlly is, just to save hassle at a magical time?

Stay right out of it, as others have said. If MIL thinks there is a chink in the armour then she will exploit/manipulate it - support your DH in how he deals with his Mother. A united front is very important. You don't want your own DC under her influence.

Just concentrate on staying stress free during your pregnancy and let DH deal with her.

I would be thankful there is a big geographical distance between you - she can't be popping round to interfere and control once the baby arrives. Be sure to be in control of when and for how long she visits....

It's also very VERY important that you do not allow her to 'divide and conquer'

Which is what she may well be aiming for. Trying to get you 'on side'. You are doing the right thing by ensuring that you and your husband present a united front.

You aren't saying she can't be part of your lives, you are simply saying what you will not tolerate.

If more people could do this, we'd be a lot better for it it is not the right thing to do to let such people control us because of fear of confrontation.

so a whole day has passed and she's not said a word. not a peep! this has thrown me almost as much as the email itself! there's a tactic in here somewhere of course. i suspect some other family member is being roped in at this very moment.

am still dreading what is going to happen next. haven't cracked yet, don't plan to. thanks for the support. it's surprising how much it helps!

Hecate don't worry she won't get me on side, never ever. she managed one v small coup with me, in my first year with DH... i was just a stupid kid then, i learned my lesson, never again.

again... it's so silly... how can she think i would choose her over my husband? why on earth would i do such a thing? all her behaviour does is cause pain, it doesn't even get the outcome she wants.

Stay well out of it. He sounds like he's doing OK.

She'll be blaming you anyway for robbing her precious laddie.

Thank your lucky stars you're in a different country and that at least you and he are on the same page. All too often we see this MIL stories where the DIL is expected to tolerate all kinds of shit so as not to offend his mammy.

PS Haven't clapped eyes on mine for almost 9 yrs. I find that works well.