Howthe hell do I know where the PMT stops and the unhappy marriage begins?

[minxthemanx]

I've posted on here many times about marital probs, and won't go over it all again. Have had many periods of unhappiness over the years, but have two lovely DS and we are a 'lovely' family, but relationship between DH and I is very strained. asked him for a separation last July, to which he refused, saying we could make it work. 7 months of counselling down the line, there have been slightly better moments, but also still problems.

To add to this, I suffer from really bad PMT (PMDD). I take a small dose of fluoxetin most days during the cycle, and double it over the weekend when I'm approaching Complete Bitch mode.

I have spent this weekend really struggling. DH has driven me round the bend with his behaviour (he has many, many aspergers traits), and I have spent a lot of the weekend wanting to cry in a corner. I haven't. and we've done loads of family stuff like board games and bike rides, tho DH and I are definitely strained. This is the bad point in my cycle, and I can recognise the PMT feelings.

What I'm finding hard to decide is how much of my unhappiness is due to DH being a pain in the arse, and how much is the PMT, distorting things. I seem to live on a cycle of 3 weeks feeling "it's ok, it's worth sticking together so children have nice family life", and 1 week wanting to run for the hills. It's been llike this for years, and I'm exhausted by it. Like I said, we're having counselling, but I haven't really mentioned my condition much, as I think DH would use it to excuse his own crap behaviour.

Any thoughts, or anyone having similar?

Some couples are better people apart than they are together. If this has been going on for years and nothing improves whatever you do, you may find it's not 'you' and it's not 'him' it's 'us' that's the heart of the problem.

Yes cogito, I feel that's the situation. Most of the time I can't bear the thought of separate weekends/holidays/christmases with Mummy or Daddy for the DC, and really want to keep the family unit toogether, but at other times (hormonally magnified) I feel I can't live in the same house as him.

minx - I've known a couple of women who's PMT was debilitating to their life because of the mood changes. Both eased with menopause and suddenly their perspective changed on lots of things.

No easy answers for you but if 3 weeks are 'ok' I'd seriously consider fixing the PMT (if at all possible)

Divorce is shite.

I usually say 'Leave the bastard!!!' btw

Thanks for that. Am now feeling 100 times worse - lost the plot last night with DH and we had a massive row, which DS1 heard as he hadn't gone to sleep. Lovely scene - DS1 and I sitting on bed hugging and crying, he worried we're getting divorced, he doesn't want us to as we're such lovely (?) parents, why doesn't one of us move out for a little while to give each other some space, why don;t Daddy and i spend some time together, go to the cinema etc (he's 10, by the way) - me crying because of everything, and then the guilt of DS1 trying to sort our problems out. Then this morning, period. For fuck's sake. I am totally lost as to how much is my hormonal problem, and how much is Dh being an arse. What more can I do? I'm on medication for the former, and we're having counselling for the latter!

If you tried to imagine your relationship with no hormonal interference, would you be happy?

(I know that's a really hard one to answer)

At the moment the person really suffering here is your son. (which you know) and I think you know that something has to give.

You don't really say much about your actual day to day relationship with your husband here. Is it ever lovely?

With no hormonal intereference, I would find DH very irritating, and some of his behaviour stupid and selfish. but I would also probably see lots of good things in him too. This weekend, I was very very hormonal, so found fault with everything, but there were times he was very wrapped up in himself, which is one of the issues that's come up in counselling. Eg, I took the DC to church Sunday morning, they came home all excited to do Easter Egg hunt which he had set up in garden, once asked to. (so yes, brownie point.) However, he was on the laptop writing emails to do with his hobby (it's such a long story I can't repeat it all, but the 'hobby' is the 3rd person in the marriage and causes enormous tension.) The kids had to wait in the garden for over 10 minutes until he finished his bloody emails - he would not stop and join the kids, which they wanted. So atmosphere spoiled, and me seething. Yes, he behaves like an arse at times. Yes, the hormonal problems magnify it. But he hasn't listened or learned anything over the 12 years of marriage.

Hi

Sorry I haven't really got any advice, but I just wanted to sympathise. After 10 years on the pill I came off 7 months ago to TTC and my PMT has been unbearable. Two weeks out of five I'm living on a knife edge and on the brink of packing my bags. The other 3 weeks used to be ok but they are slowly declining. I've started b6 and now Angus castus in an attempt to improve things with supplements but I'm early on with this approach so no idea if its going to work. Have you tried either?

I hope things improve for you. Good luck

Thanks Tuesday, poor you. This morning I am feeling stupid, and ashamed at how much we rowed this weekend - we went to the cinema last night as the DC were at a sleepover and this was the first night we had on our own for years. But there was a terrible atmosphere, DH had had a fair bit to drink which didn't help (he doesn't often - we'd been out with his family for lunch, then he went to watch west ham in pub and had a couple more). So another row in the cinema, me saying why don't we see the counsellor today, as we've had such a bad weekend, him saying there's no point, we've wasted all this money on counselling and you've made your mind up. So another row.
Managed to watch film, relatively civil afterwards. This morning I feel back to normal and really embarrassed.

Hi minx
It may be worth going back to your gp...I had many long and numerous problems with periods...erratic, long, flooding with no warning etc that left me emotionally and physically drained...being pregnant was so wonderful I had 3 babies in 4 years breastfed as long as I could and can remember crying for hours when periods restarted. Most pills etc made me so paranoid I was doing all sorts of crazy stuff. unfortunately I was allergic to fluoxetine ..a whole other randomly awful experience.

In the end my super gynaecologist persuaded me that chemically shutting off all the hormones was worth doing as it would give me time to rest and recover from the rollercoaster. The downside was that when I came off the drug my periods might not restart so I had to come to terms with being in my early 30's and in menopause...anyway every 4 weeks a big injection...hrt and I got my life back. Completely wonderful...and I now own 3 cream coats!!

I stopped that treatment after a couple of years and they tried me on a mini pill, my body seemed to have completely re-calibrated itself and I take it every day so no periods at all...am getting the symptoms of menopause at the moment, my mum was 42 when she stopped so I was expecting early anyway...

Just really to hold your hand and tell you that it is so worth keeping on until you get a medic that will explore lots of options. I could make a book out of all the crazy stuff I did when pmt dominated my life ...and it all felt so real at the time.

Hi OP no advice but just wanted to say things are exactly the same over here, never sure whether PMT or just us not getting on. I'm not married though and we don't have kids together but we have decided to separate for a while as I really need to be able to see the woods for the trees. Maybe that could be the way to go for you????

B vitamins help with PMT and pain IME. Might be worth a try? Sorry you're haing such a rough time, what a nightmare

Thanks, it really helps knowing there are other people in a similar situation. i will go back to my lovely (female) GP whenever I can get an appointment - I know she has said in the past she's had women in, begging to have a hysterectomy because PMDD is affecting their lives so much. I'm interested in the medical approach your gynae took. Separation was what I asked for last July, but DH refuses to go. He insists the whole time "where there's a will there's a way", and we've been having counselling for 7 months, with a break recently. I think first step for me is the GP. I'm so that lovely DS1 has been upset this weekend.

will try and pm you with names of meds.. keep on trying everything..

I thought my irritation with my now-XH was PMT. he was certainly happy to dismiss it as that and to take no responsibility for his role in the increasing tension in our marriage. Once my unhappiness with him shifted to every 2 weeks, every week and then every day, however, I realized my hormones weren't really the issue here. Funnily enough, my PMT is very minor nowadays, since ending the marriage.

go to counselling on your own and tell everything.
if you have been holding back on issues in joint counsellin then it will have ebeen a waste of time - "we're having counselling, but I haven't really mentioned my condition much" you should mention your condition so counsellor can ask your h the appropriate qustions, how much he allows for it, devise joint strategies to deal with it etc etc etc. and focus on why you still annoyed with h the other three weeks of the month!

your PMt was no reason for him to sit emailing and make dc wait for easter egg hunt? or was it?

listen to your ds and maybe do what he suggests - one of you move out for a few months .

I am of the school that believes that MPT brings up what needs to be brought up, and it will knock ever louder until it gets heard. That is one of the gifts of being female - an inbuilt 'Am I happy?' monitor, which talks to us.

In my opinion, you might separate from him, maybe even for a trial period, and see how you feel. Or just separate. You may have to live with him in the meantime, in which case suspend hostilities and lead different lives, and ward off his hostilities by going away from him etc.

Whoops PMT that was meant to be!

I had bad pmt for years and then it became about my abusive background and the pain it brought up every month, but when i grew to learn to let it and listen to what it had to say ('I've lost EVERYTHING.' was my refrain for a good two years) it changed and really got a lot better. Now it is about the sadness and pain I feel and I learn to listen to that and attend to it.

I think pmt is real and the things we are thinking are real and it is the culture we live in that doesn't support this innate wisdom.

I haven't posted in Reatioshios before, hope you don't mind me chipping in.

Purely on the PMT front, mine escalated as life got more stressfull and disappeared after I had therapy. Turns out for me it was a manifestation of my underlying anger.

I think something2say is spot on about our culture. We cover things up, pretend to ourselves that it's okay, not such a big deal, we're just being silly etc. But when the hormones do their tricks we can't keep the lid on because, actually, it's Not okay, it Is a big deal, we are most definitely Not being silly and we need to do something about the situation we find ourselves in.

If you don't feel comfortable raising this subject in counselling could you do things to relax and calm yourself before the PMT starts. Maybe plan something into your cycle, like week 2 start having a bubble bath every other day, then daily for week 3. Whatever works for you, so that You feel less stressed by it while you go through the process of counselling.