My DH just doesn't understand the concept of domestic violence...

[AngryFeet]

A friend of my BIL has been abusive to his wife. She went to a refuge a couple of days ago but is now back with him and on holiday.

DH is very confused about the whole thing. Not that he is an idiot but he hasn't come across DV before and we were having a conversation where I got quite frustrated with him today.

He doesn't understand how a man can just suddenly attack his partner or what the reasons would be. He also says "But why doesn't the woman just leave or get help, why do they stick around if it happens over and over again?"

I tried to explain to him how I viewed it but in his head it is all so illogical. How can I better explain to him why this sort of thing happens?

He can be a little black and white in how he views things so don't think he is an idiot (he is actully very intelligent). He keeps saying "but xxx is such a nice guy and he has never been violent or aggressive before".

How has he never heard of this? Most unusual.

Very hard to explain to someone who doesn't see shades of grey though - it involves understanding people are flawed and can have two sides to their character - has he ever come across that in a milder version that you could extrapolate out for him?

I is hard to understand.
I just accept that one of the things that happens is that women stay or return: but I don't understand it, I accept it because I've heard/read/been told it so often.
Similarly I don't understand how other men turn a blind eye to friends of theirs committing DV, and still call them 'an ok bloke, bit of a temper'

"But why doesn't the woman just leave or get help, why do they stick around if it happens over and over again?"

That is a very commonly held view by most people, male and female, who have never encountered any sort of domestic violence.

I don't know gin, he has clearly led a sheltered life!

At the moment we don't know quite what has happened but I suppose DH is just disappointed in his "friend". He said how can someone just flip out and why? I described a disagreement we had a few weeks ago and how we just had a rant at each other but certain people might lose it and turn to violence. I suppose I don't understand it either. One friend was in an abusive relationship and just kept excusing her DPs actions which was very frustrating to hear.

Id buy him the Lundy Bancroft book Why does he do that?

DV is complicated but victim-blaming is what makes it difficult for women to get help and get safe.

I think a lot of DA are quite charming, and very good at giving the world a different view of who they are. Its difficult to leave, because your scared, you have seen the madness in their eyes, and know what they are capable of. They also grind you down so that you believe the things they say to you, like that no-one would believe you, that they will take your children/home etc.
Your DH must understand that people can easily mislead you, and the age old saying, no-one knows what goes on behind closed doors.