Need to rant about DH and ILs!!

[Roastbeefandyorkshires]

Phoned my SIL yesterday to arrange for her to come around to ours to see DS before we go on our hols. I very nicely asked whether she could come round in the morning as it would be more convenient. We have an early start in the morning and need to put dc to bed early. I discussed this with DH and he agreed. She turns up at 130 pm shortly followed byMIL. No
explanation given. DH is not that bothered when I mention it.

We then get chatting about dc who is 8
months. SIL says she'll have him stay at hers overnight when he's 2. I'm not ready for him to stay over anywhere so I umm and arr and say "I don't know yet let's play it by ear" trying to be diplomatic. DH walks in and "jokingly" calls me a control freak in front of SIL & MIL.
I was really upset by this and later we argued.
MIL left 30 minutes ago.
It feels that they don't listen to me or respect my opinions even though I try to assert myself.
I'm worried I'll lose it with all of them soon which is not sometime I'd want to do.
Anyone experienced similar?

cant understand why they needed to come in the morning so your kid could get up early next morning - at 8 months they sleep where and when surely

i think you are all being a bit silly - who knows what will happen when the kid is 2 - the world could have ended for all we know

I think that Joanna is right but I also think that RoastBeef isn't so much stressed by THAT particular incident but because it ALWAYS happens. I doubt that's the first time they've made you feel inconsequential?

Exactly ktmacca4
Used to get on with ILs before dc arrived then everything has changed

We wanted to put dc to bed early so we could also get an early ish night.

I can really sympathise. You're wrong no matter what you do! I do think your dh was unreasonable in not supporting you.

We have a 5 week old baby whom my mil abd sil want to have for sleepovers, days out and generally playing families. Long story short, they have not wanted to be part of our lives until they found out I was pregnant. Neither had been in our house for nearly 10 years and sil didn't even know how to get to our house. Now it's all about them wanting ds and needing to bond with him and play baby pass the parcel...they make it clear it's only him they are interested in and couldn't care less about seeing us. So much more to the history hut that is the general gist and it makes me so mad. I am lucky that dh does not condone their actions and is fully supportive in fact he is possibly more protective of ds. They are disappointed that I am coping well, sil whio has no kids even suggested I should stop breastfeeding! Ranted about me seeing my own sister once and said I should get help with tye baby! She is a silly girl but at nearly 30 I expect her to be more of a grown up. Mil said to my dh that she is jealous of my mum...mil has never been nice to me or dh whom she made clear he was an unwanted child and it was his fault she fell pregnant as a teenager! I could go on but my blood would boil...why would I leave my 5 week old with anyone especially them. And they don't see a problem with ds passive smoking.

Not sure I could handle your or my situation if I didn't have dh support. Does your dh realise just what he has done and that it is in no way helpful to the situation?

Your DH was out of order calling you a control freak. He should apologise for that and understand it's unacceptable.

As far as your in laws coming in the morning, I think because you asked them to come in the morning, they were rude to just turn up whenever they felt like it. Your MIL left just before 6pm - that's disgraceful when you asked them to come over first thing. If you're going on holiday tomorrow morning it's obvious you want some time this afternoon to get sorted.

Do you regularly have problems with your ILs and your DH?

DH did apologise for the "control freak" thing but still does not seem to understand how I find the whole situation so stressful
To be honest I have been trying to avoid them as I find them v overbearing.
Other SIL is lovely and doesn't interfere or pass comment
I understand they just want to spend time with DC and that is not a problem. Wondering whether I should try to speak with them individually to explain how I feel?

Hmmm. Is it just possible that both you, your ILs and your dh are BU. Just a tad??

Dh shouldn't have called you a control freak obviously. (Perhaps it was a ham fisted attempt at covering up for your rather stand offish response to your SIL?) But crap.

Perhaps you could have responded to your SIL's offer to have ds when he was 2 in a slightly more positive way. It's a year and a half away so she's not exactly expecting you to start packing his pyjamas now, surely? What about just a 'yeah, great' and then making the decision if and when it ever happens.

Lateness of ILs - rude but perhaps they have an informal and relaxed approach to family? If they feel it's ok to turn up late and stay long you could respond with an equally relaxed and informal response. 'Look guys, sorry, but I'm putting ds to bed early tonight so I'm going to give him his bath now. Now I'm going to finish packing so help yourselves to tea.'

You sound a bit stressed and uptight tbh.

I really can't see why it needed to be the morning. It does sound odd, and I have to admit, on that you do seem a bit of a control freak. BUT I would have said the same thing about the sleeping over. And your husband should not have said that.

Because when visitors land in the afternoon it drags on till the evening and then your evening plans are scuppered. If you have a little plan for the day, it is irritating when other people ride roughshod over it.

I'm finding it really difficult to relax about the whole thing. Perhaps because there have been so many little things that have been said/ happened in past 8 months I'm almost waiting for things to go wrong. Not sure I'm very good at pretending things are ok

I've had similar experiences with my XILs - I managed not to let it eat me alive by just taking a deep breath and going with the flow. If I visited when I wasn't prepared I just dealt with it. A few hours of being put out was a small price to pay and it made my XDH happy. And to be honest I would expect him to do the same for MY family. I just ranted to a good friend after they'd gone!!
Don't take it personally RoastBeef. Family are ALWAYS irritating and I doubt they mean to wind you up. Just play the game. One day they may be your dc's greatest ally.

Sorry - if THEY visited!

Well switching times without checking with you is a bit rude, but no harm done presumably. Sounds like SIL is just offering to have an overnight and therefore being a loving aunt.

There surely has to be much much more to this.

Yes there is much more to it...
Just one example
SIL assumed she'd be the legal guardian to dc in our will in the event of our death . Even DH assumed it would be HIs family rather than mine... I have 4 DSis who would have done it!

Motherhood is a learning curve and now you've learned not to invite your ils round to see your pfb just before you go on holiday.

Forgive me, but I'm not seeing that as an issue either tbh. Unless she ranted and raved when told not to. Why would it be your family over DH's?

Do you just not like these people? They sound okay really.

Sorry, I mean ranted and raved when told she wouldn't be having the DCs.

I would've been upset if I were your DH had you phrased it like 'any of my sisters above your family'.

Tidydancer I would never assume it would be my side of the family that got guardianship- there was no consideration for my feelings or wishes YET AGAIN
This is the recurrent theme!

I think you need to raise this in a general sense with your DH then. Maybe you need to set some ground rules for how he behaves around you when his family are present so you don't feel like your feelings are being pushed aside.