Anyone with a difficult step parent out there?

[CatsSleepAnywhere]

My DM has been with this man for almost 20 years. I think what he does is on the verge of Emotional abuse. He is controlling, puts people down quite a lot. humiliates people in front of others.
I don't live with them but it breaks my heart to know my mum is with him. My DDad died about 20 years ago.

I don't know what I want from posting this. Just wonder if there are others in a similar situation.?

Yes! My father died when I was 11 and my mum married my "stepfather" the same year (although they had been divorced a few years but still, you would've thought they would have given me a year at least to get over the loss of my dad!).

We moved in with him and he was a twat. He would purposely turn the TV over when I was watching something, he would go to the shop for fish and chips and ask me how I was paying for mine (I was 13!!), he would purposely cause arguments between me and my mum and he drove me out when I was just 16. I ended up homeless. (Thanks mum!)

I have gotten over it simply because I refuse to be his victim but now I watch the way he is with my mother and she's not happy, never has been but had the mentality that any man was better than no man. She isn't "allowed" to watch anything on the TV as he controls it, she waits on him hand and foot, even goes off to bring him drinks etc to his arm chair. He doesn't speak to her, he's selfish and manipulative and the cynic in me thinks he's a liar too. I think he's hoarding money in which he plans to bugger off with when he retires (he wants to live on a narrowboat, she doesn't. My guess is he'll go anyway).

But yes in answer to your OP - I get it.

You have just described My "stepdad" (they are not married). He is pretty much the same.
The same happened to me although I was 20 when my dad died but still living with mum and dad. Less than a year later she moves in the new man. I lived with them both for a few years till we (me and now DH) could afford to move out.

It's crap isn't it!

yep me too.

I think part of the problem is that the roles change so you start mothering your own mother.

They are coming up to retirement age and live abroad. i know she has not much of a pension in her own name. When she got together she threw out my 17 yr old brother and moved abroad. He is a controlling lazy twat but she constantly makes excuses. There is definitely emotional abuse and i wonder about physical too although she denies this ( i have asked).

I do get it

and chickenskin I too think he is hoarding money and plans to buy the narrowboat he's always talking about!!!!

Cats I know exactly what you mean when you say it breaks you heart. My DM is still with my step father in a similar situation to the ones described above.

My step father belittled me at every possible opportunity. He hated the idea that I would have a positive relationship with his two children (my half siblings) and if we played together he would claim I was being bossy or bullying them. I could not have an opinion about anything and he became quite vile when I did, especially as I became older and better as presenting my case. However cliché, I grew up feeling like I was a bad person and it was all my fault.

By the time I was 13 and my brother 10, he would come home from work and sit in my 'D'Bs room and bitch (for want of another word) to him about DM and I. Consequently, DB has treated us both very poorly and taken advantage of us wherever he can.

It's very painful but I have come to the conclusion that I am very lucky not to be related to him. He is/was a pretty shit father to his own children too, in a less malicious and resentful way.

How do you cope with the "step parent" that is like this?

I feel like I've just about had enough of him and feel that life might be easier if I just try and avoid him/cut him out but I know it can't be that easy cause he still lives with mum.

Deep down I want him to know how much I hate him but most of the time I "pretend" to get on with him in front of mum.
it's so hard, I don't know what to do for the best.
I know if I did fall out with him he would then go and slag me off to the rest of the family cause that is what he is like.

Be true to yourself, be assertive and stand up for your mum. No need to 'fall out' exactly, but you have to challenge bullies or they think they can walk all over you as well as the person they live with. If you cut him out, he wins and your mother is isolated. If you keep pretending everything's OK, he gets satisfaction knowing that he's making you uncomfortable. If there's any danger that his behaviour could get violent when challenged, tell your mother that if she ever wants out you'll be there for her. He won't like it but so what if he bad-mouths you to the rest of the family? I'm sure they can all see what kind of person he is.

what does your brother think of him cats?

any chance he feels the same

I havent spoken to my step mother for many years, she was incredibly emotionally abusive, she used to steal my clothes and refuse to give them back causing trouble with my school friends as some of them were theirs.
She would give my step brother enough dinner money to last the day £2 and she would only put out 50p for me @to stop me getting fat"

blapbird That sounds awful for you. At least I was an adult when everything started going wrong. it must have been awful if you have a difficult step parent when you were a child.

Zoo I think my brothers have a pretty good idea what he is like cause he is also stroppy with them sometimes. He falls out with people over petty things.
He is very childish. If someone doesn't agree with him he will either try and talk them round or he will get in a sulk.

Yep mine since I was 1or 2 when he moved in. Luckily I still had super dad to see regularly although his 2nd wife created quite an atmosphere too.
SD seems to thrive on making people feel uncomfortable, dominates conversations about things only he is interested in. Barks orders and points out what my mum's doing wring whilst sat on his arse. Takes the piss out of her, tells her off for spending money when she works and he's retired then buys endless things himself. Moans when she has the kids. I did tell him I hated him when I was younger and that I couldn't wait to move out. Was most gratifying. I'm just sarcastic to him now and take the piss out of him he can't stand it!
To be fair though he's not trying to be horrible he's just very self centred and can only see things from his perspective; he doesn't understand other people's emotions or the impact he can have. He is good at helping people when they are in need.

Im in a similar situation but I don't know what to do...I am new to this and I would appreciate anyone's advice.

I have a son from a previous relationship and a 5 year old daughter with this current partner...i am always locked in a battle between my 11 year old boy and this man...but always in the end I am always defending my son against him. This has caused rows and huge fights every night due to my son's refusal to do anything and causes my daughter to cry and scream. I try not to argue in front of the children but it can get so heated as if he says anything bad to or about my son I can't keep my mouth shut and round 3 starts errupting. He'll start to shout at my son and then bring up my past and says I was nothing before I met him! I know I need to get out but Im trapped but Im scared the damage will set in with my children...if it already has...Please help x

cherrycola I don't have any advice I'm afraid but sorry you are in this situation. Have you tried starting another thread about it? You might get more people reply if you do.

Cats have you spoken to your dmum about it when your "stepdad" is not there? Is she happy with him? Does she feel the same as you but feel trapped and unable to do anything about it? It is possible she feels the same but doesn't know how to help herself. It is also possible that she is content.

Does he treat her the way he treats other members of the family?

I have seen this before and it is like the incoming "parent" is jealous of members of the biological family and works hard to put strain on the bonds there to make their partner feel more dependant on them. When I have seen it, it has seemed like an insecurity in the incoming member of the family.

I would try to find out how my dmum really felt before I did anything more definite, although I would avoid his company as much as possible myself as noone needs or deserves to be treated like that.

It is also possible that he is just a total git and has taken advantage of your dmum at a time when she felt sad and vulnerable and that has set the tone of the relationship from then on.

cherry is there somewhere you could go for family counselling? IMHO my dcs would always come first and I would always be protecting them from negative influences. That doesn't mean leaving your partner but it would mean ensuring that your partner made some positive efforts to see that your son is part of the unit and deserves to be loved and cherished as much as his biological child. I would investigate support of some sort for all of you. I am sorry I can't offer any more concrete support.

Carrots I think she might have a vague idea that I don't like him, but in front of her I try to put up with him.
I have heard him put her down before and he is sometimes insulting.
I should add though that he can be very nice too but tries to "buy" people. He has done this quite often with my DC, buying them things so they think he is nice.

I think she is quite strong though or she appears to be in front of me.

He moved in with her and she owns the house, she can't kick him out cause he won't go. They are both thick skinned.

Cats, I'll reply to you on the EA support thread later, the girls over there are great so hopefully will help you in the meantime.

I came on here to post to cherrycola... Love pop by the EA support thread, you are in an abusive relationship and your children are also suffering as a result. Come and introduce yourself, we'll hold your hand through everything you need to do going forward. Suffice to say, I've been where you are now, but I'm out now. You need RL support, and we'll tell you how to access it, what you need and what you don't need.

I'll be back later.

Cats, you may have toddled off to the Stately Homes thread already, but I wanted to suggest that you try and have a conversation with your Mum.

Could she pop over and see YOU? If so, you could get a copy of Why Does He Do That and tell her she can come and read it at yours.

She is being abused by the sounds of it, and she CAN kick him out, but she has to want to. he has no right to live there, you call the police, tell them about the DV, tell them he needs to leave and they will advise him to do so. If he causes trouble injunctions/non-mol orders can be drawn up.

She has to want to do it though.