What is wrong with me?

[rmm]

I've been married to dh for 13 years.
I was quite young when we got married and so very much in love. I think I spent the first few years thinking dh walked on water. I can honestly say those were the best years of my life.

We now have 2 dc, and although we tried desperately for a third it never worked out.
Dh is an absolutely amazing dad.
I'm just not sure if if he's such an amazing dh anymore.
He is never around for me. Whatever free time he has is dedicated to the kids. The rest seems to be dedicated to work. He travels extensively with work. To the outside world he is a dedicated dad. My reality is, yes, he is a good dad, but I'm bring up the children virtually on my own. When he's at home he's still working so even though he's physically there he not, ifswim.

Now I'm sure that we are both responsesible for what seems to be a breakdown in communication lines in our relationships, but I feel that if anything works it has to be on dhs terms.
If we disagree on anything it has to end up with dh being right. If we go out together anywhere (which is very rare) it has to be where dh wants. If we talk it has to be when dh is free. Everything that touches our common lives has to be on his terms

It's not as though he will 'force' anything onto me but I feel he manipulates the situation so I feel I have to do things a certain way. He is a master manipulator and if something doesn't go his way then it ends up being my fault, but he'll never say it just imply it.

I'm starting to feel suffocated. But it's completely irrational. I mean to all intents and purposes dh is the perfect husband. But I'm completely unhappy. I've tried talking to him, I've cried, I've fought, I've tried just letting things be, but I'm exhausted. I feel numb. Like my body is going through the motions but that I'm floating somewhere just observing my life without a great deal of interest.

So what is wrong with me? Why can't I be the person dh wants me yo be? We never had these issues? What's wrong with me now?

Don't really know what to say but didn't want to leave you unanswered I'm sure there's nothing wrong with you but I would think that maybe you were a lot more impressionable when u and dh first got together and he's gotten used to having things his own way?
My biggest concern would be that you say you feel like your watching your life without a great deal of interest. Aside from your issues with your dh are you still able to enjoy things? Like the dc or your friends etc? If not I'd definitely speak to your GP as it sounds like a bit of depression.

I'm not saying that will be the route o ALL your problems I'm sure your dh attitude will have a lot to do with it too

Looks like I did have a lot to say after all

Ps I'm only just muddling through my own marriage and am still quite young myself so I'm by no means an expert

There's nothing wrong with you.

You sound sad, and unloved. Stuck in a relationship with someone who wants everything on their terms, and manipulates things to suit themselves then most of us would feel that way too.

You shouldn't be asking what's wrong with you, but "what's wrong with him, why won't HE accept me for the person that I am?!" Don't try and change, you don't need to. Don't try to change him - it won't work. Have you told him how you feel? Does he understand how HE is making you feel?

It's tough isn't it?

I never thought I would find myself in this position! I always thought it would happen to 'other' people.

I'm actually quite positive most of the time and I don't think it's depression. I just feel that my relationship which meant the world to me, isn't what I need it to be, and as hard as I try I just can't make it what I need. I feel like no matter what I try it fails, so why bother trying? I might as well just be who dh wants me to be. It's so much easier

Cruci-any conversation I have with him regarding this ends up with him claiming not to understand what I want. He tries so hard, he works so hard, he never does anything for himself, he's always battling to make me understand. So I end up feeling like a bitch. I just dont want to try anymore.

Away from him I make sense, with him, I'm inarticulate and insensitive

Don't go to GP, you don't need pills

Don't take the path of least resistance and mould yourself to someone elses ideals.

There is a problem with your relationship, address that with your DH, making it about both of you may work better to resolve issues. Whether you stay together or seperate will emerge later

But how?
How do you address issues, when it's always my issues? My fault?
I agree this isn't about pills etc. But about finding a way.
And I just don't know how to find that way, it feel like the holy grail.

I think you may feel that if you are putting a good face on it, you can't be depressed, but I wouldn't rule it out completely - maybe have a look at the Mind website to see if anything strikes a chord. Plus of course don't underestimate the grief that can come from being unable to have another dc; it cannot be compared to infertility but it is grief nonetheless.

Overall, though, it's worth noting your marriage was happiest when you thought your dh walked on water and thus, presumably, went along with everything he wanted unquestioningly. No marriage could sustain that phase forever because no-one is perfect. You still love your DH but you need more from him - not least respect for your feelings and wishes, acknowledgement that you have a right to a life with him that is at least partly on your terms. It feels as if he doesn't view you as an equal but rather as an auxiliary part of his life.

If you think you would be happier if you could revert back to the walk-on-water phase, there's nothing to stop you trying, but it sounds as if you want more than that. To be treated as an equal partner and with at least the respect he would give a friend, never mind his lover and the mother of his children.

If he manipulates the discussion when you talk, have you tried writing to him? If he remains unwilling to consider your feelings you may have some difficult choices to come. I hope it works out for you.

It sounds like you are not the same person know that you when when you got married.

A couple of things struck me from your OP - firstly the feelings about beng exhausted and numb, floating. That doesnt sound normal. Thats not to say that you necessarily are depressed, but I agree with the poster who said i is worth looking at other symptoms to see if anything strikes a chord.
If you are depressed, of course that doesnt mean that everything is your fault or your problem.

Why do you worry about being the person that your DH wants you to be? You are whoever you are, your DH realy isnt entitled to want you to be something different.

Do you think that part of the reason that you are seeing thigs differently now might be because you are a bit older?

It isnt really helpful to idolise someone else, but I think that some men do encourage that, and choose partners who will feel that way.

I have a friend in a relationship that sounds like yours. I sometimes wonder with her whether the idolisation is a sort of a defense - that viewing the husband as being amazingly perfect then explains why it is OK for him to be controlling, manipulative and constantly pursuing what he wants everyone to be doing.

Good luck with working this out. Do you have anyone in real life that you can talk to?

I don't mean to make dh sound horrible. He really isn't.

What is horrible is our current state of relationship. I don't know how to be the person he wants me to be, and he doesn't like the person I seem to have become. It started off with small things, like me wanting to spend time together, I'm exhausted at the end of the day and it's pointless to find a babysitter and go out but not really enjoy ourselves, so I suggested lunch once a month. In the last year we,ve has lunch twice. He worked through one and left early at the other one. He couldn't understand why that upsets me, he made the effort, he was there. What was my problem?!

I can't change him. I can change my response to his actions. I've gotten angry, I've cried, now I'm just indifferent.

My family love him, his family love him. What's not to love? I'm the one who is difficult. I Want different things, I want more.

I'm the one who is difficult

Why do you believe that, rmm? Is it because you held him up as perfect to begin with, so it's easier/simpler/encouraged by him(?) to believe that if your feelings have changed it must be you who is at fault?

I can't change him. I can change my response to his actions

And he can't change you. He can change his response your actions. But he doesn't.

You cant change him. But you shouldnt feel that you have to change yourself to fit in with whatever you think he wants.

Have you asked him to go to couples counselling?

Although I'm not sure I will accomplish anything. If you are trying to talk to him and he is not listening, he will just probably try to put them on his side.

I don't know how to be the person he wants me to be, and he doesn't like the person I seem to have become
because you have become a person with demands and not an adoring fan.

At the same time you want him to become a different person. One that is considerate toward you. I'm not sure that can happen any more than you becoming the person he wants you to be.

My breakup was brought about by my indifference. I stopped trying to make it work and distanced myself from him. He became violent to regain control. :(

Your relationship sounds very inequal. Its always been like that which was fine for you at first but not being listened to and your opinion not mattering is going to get to you eventually. You must have very low self esteem by now.

Its obviously never a good idea to hand over all control when entering a relationship. Perhaps you need to think about why you did that. About why you let him make all the choices and why you worshipped him. No man or person is perfect so i think the worshipping says more about you then him. Was there someone else you worshipped, like your dad for eg.

When i was a teenager i had a relationship a bit like that. We did what he wanted, i made no suggestions, he didn't listen to me, he didn't value my opinion. If he had a problem and i knew the solution he would dismiss it, then a friend would make the same suggestion and he would think it was a great idea. I had no confidence, low self esteem, i wasn't even remotely assertive although i didn't realise this at the time. I had been raised to keep other people happy and to keep the peace. What was your childhood like?

I guess it was partly because i had allowed him to treat me like that, partly because it was the way we had always been, he was used to it, and partly because he had his own issues.

You need to assert yourself. Assertiveness training and counselling would be a very good idea. You can't go on like this. The thing though is that your marriage might not survive and there might not be a lot you can do about that. It may be that he likes being the one in control and won't want to adjust to the new you. It may be that he actually can't or won't be in a relationship with someone who isn't happy to be the little unquestioning woman at home. If not then good riddance.

So what is wrong with me? Why can't I be the person dh wants me yo be?

There is nothing wrong with you. There is something very wrong about a situation where your DH objects to you having your own thoughts and feelings, and refuses to countenance them.

You can't be the person your DH wants you to be, because you are your own person - not his teddy bear, who plays the role he wants teddy to play, and who can be picked up and played with or dropped and ignored at will. You are a PERSON. Your husband doesn't seem to get that. And you feel bad because you are trying to squash your personhood into the mould he wants you to fit in. To the point that you are having dissociative experiences.

YY to assertiveness training, individual counseling, and acceptance that your marriage may not survive if BOTH people in it don't respect the other as a sovereign human being, with feelings.

maybe you could both benefit from couples counselling.

what you want out of a relationship is not unreasonable

I think you should be asking Why your husband can't be the person YOU want HIM to be? Why he can't let you be yourself?

You've spent your entire marriage fitting in with him!

It sounds as though he works hard to avoid emotional intimacy. Then when you are upset he throws it back at you that he works hard for you and the children. I'm sure you would rather he was emotionally present than working all the time.

what if being YOU isnt enough? i am in a bad place. i have a beautiful loving little boy of 8 years. my job is to teach him to have pride and confidence in himself. How can i do that when its officially on paper that i am worthless? i am terrified that the love i have for my child is being drowned out by the sound of slamming doors. i was abused. by a colleague. i worked for a firm of solicitors. i asked for their help. they just kept notes on me and labelled me as the problem. i was threatened so couldnt go to the police. i found my employers notes on a public computer system. they labelled me a hysteric not to be believed. i complained to the information commissioner who has just written to me to tell me my employers did nothing wrong. i have written to top barristers, the CPS, the solicitors regulation authority - to ask them why the legal profession would think this is acceptable. the sound of silence is deafening. so you see - its official. its on paper. i am worth nothing. how can i teach my son to see the world differently? i am sorry if i have jumped in on your thread like this but i needed to tell somone. that its not because i dont love my son or my boyfriend. its because all i can see are those words on paper. YOU ARE NOTHING

If you're still hearing the sound of slamming doors please start your own thread julia - and know that you won't be 'nothing' to www.womensaid.org.uk if you give them a call.