Do I need to stop this?

[mufff]

I have been separated over a year from stbx. I have been on loads of dates and have really enjoyed dating. I am getting to know what I like and don't like which is quite important - I have weaned myself off dickheads who seemed to be my 'type' (ex. was abusive), and have worked hard to walk away when I saw red flags etc. I have been to / go to counselling to try and get to bottom of why I was in an abusive relationship for so long. I am happy being single, and getting happier with myself and feel my self esteem improving a LOT.

So anyway, to get to the point. Back in January I bumped into someone I know. He is divorced (2 years) because his wife had an affair. Anyway, we had a joke about being single, dating, bla bla, and then as you might guess he asked if I'd like to go out. To cut a long story short, we have been out about 10-12 times now, slept together but also never really had this clingy text all the time sort of deal, it's just fine and easy.

But the very problem is we are doing all of this in secret. I know his ex-wife - she is a friend of some fairly good friends of mine so before all the splits we would all be at events together etc. (she isn't anymore) And so obviously he knows my stbx - not a mate but again friend of these friends, would be at the same events etc. It's hard to explain the level of friendship - they wouldn't have one another's phone numbers etc. but are definitely more than acquaintances. And so he knows what he is like, i.e. abusive. He is scared what will happen if he finds out, as am I.

And we have had conversations around the fact that maybe we should stop this.......but then honestly, it is good. We are really happy when we are together. He is genuinely lovely and kind - a total opposite to everything I am used to. But we are both worried that it is wrong. Do we need to stop this before we fall in deep? Because it is pretty damned close to that at the moment and I know this is a mutual thing - he seems to think that once my divorce comes through it might be easier, but I am not sure that actually makes any difference?

Jury please........

What exactly are you both scared will happen when your ex's find out? Because he's been divorced two years, you've been separated for over a year, I think enough time has elapsed that you should both just 'come out' and be public about your relationship. There doesn't need to be any big announcement, just date and don't try to hide it.

You sound happy with this new guy... What are you going to do, let your ex dictate who you can and can't go out with?

I agree. I don't think you're doing anything wrong so just enjoy it
If these friends of yours are real friends they'll be happy for you

My ex does not want me to have a bf. A few months ago he threatened to rip off some guy's head who he thought I was dating.
And I guess I am scared that because he knows new man, it will give him the perfect reason to be all betrayed and hurt, and then go f'ing crazy.
He is quite a scary man.
And yes, I do really like new man, just wish it wasn't complicated like this

I'm inclined to agree with him. I don't see that his ex is the problem but, given the fact that your stbx is abusive, it's probable that he's feeling that if he kicks off it will be harder for him to step in tell him to fuck off get lost if you're still legally married to him.

When will your divorce come through?

A couple of months I hope - won't be too long. I think we would definitely keep under the radar until then anyway.......maybe it will give it all that extra "it has nothing to do with you".

It''s to do with the way society views these matters - he's legally free to see who he wants but you're not, although of course you are, iyswim.

Get your Nisi framed and hanging on your wall before you go public, and maybe throw a party to celebrate off the old and on with the new.

I'm really pleased for you. I'm in the middle of separating. First, it's great to hear someone say 'I've been on loads of dates and I've really enjoyed dating' - it's a bit of a contrast with a lot of people's stories (I'm trying not to think about the fact that you are probably loads younger than me - I'm 41 haha). But also, your new relationship sounds great!

You are both a while out of your relationships. You may not be divorced yet but two months is very soon. It sounds like you really like each other and are having a great time and it's getting better having started in a low key, rather undemanding way which is really auspicious. So all that's brilliant.

Seems there are two issues here. One is that because of past history of overlap with each other's previous OHs, you think this relationship is wrong. It really isn't. It's very normal to get together with someone who is already in your circle of friends/acquaintances and if neither of you are attached there is nothing wrong with it at all. It may be a little bit awkward at the beginning as everyone adjusts to seeing you as a couple, but that doesn't take long. There are two sets of parents at my kids' school who split up and the 'wronged' partners from each couple, who were both free, got together and everyone is really happy for them and can see the relationship works. So don't worry about that.

The other problem is your xp and the jealousy and concerns about violence. At some point your ex is going to have to confront another man in your life. I agree with other posters that keeping this under wraps until your divorce is through is a good idea. But aside from that, your ex sounds like an unreasonable person, so will be an arse about things whether it's in six months or six years, or someone you knew before or a new person.

Unless there's some compelling reason why you have to make the relationship public I would just carry on enjoying it as it is. If your concern is that you might really fall for this guy and find that at no point in the future is he prepared to face the wrath of your ex then you might have a problem, but it doesn't sound that way.

Ending what sounds like a good relationship you are both enjoying because of either of these issues seems mad. And it's letting your ex intimidate you into making big decisions in your life based on your fear of him, something you will simply have to stop doing at some point if you really want to move on and be your own person.

Thanks so much for your reply unhappylizzie.

I have been on loads of dates, and I am NOT much younger than you (37) and yes enjoyed even the really terrible dates - which there were a few of - because each time I learned a bit about myself and because I was in (still am a bit) the Who the Fuck am I? stage anything good or bad that I found/find out along the way is good information iyswim. And it also provided good entertainment for my friends.

I don't have bad feelings about this one though. It's just been easy and fun and enhancing - which is what everyone says it should be. Bit scary. Bit quick in some ways..........and although rl friend who knows has said that she thinks the same as you all on here that we are not doing anything wrong, I just wanted to check. I think the thing is I am still scared of ex. I know what he is capable of..........but then I also don't want him to ruin my future as he did with my past.........so I will be brave

The only 'danger' I can see is that your estranged husband will sabotage the divorce proceedings . Even then that shouldn't stop you having a new friendship with someone. It sounds like you've lived for far too long having your life manipulated by someone through abusive behaviour. If your new friend is important to you, refuse to be bullied and decide not to live in fear any longer. Courage.

My ex was abusive and threatened dh when I started seeing him but also a long term mutual friend who he'd seen me having coffee with. It doesn't matter WHO it is, it could be anyone and your ex will use it as an excuse to be aggressive. If he is, call the Police. What did the other poor sod do when he threatened to rip his head off?

Ok, OP are these threats? then tell ex to piss off. Is he a dangerous man or just full of hot air? Whilst I don't believe in a knight on a white charger scenario I'm sort of wondering about Mr New. Is he (Don't say it, don't say it) Ok, I will, is he a bit of a wimp? Not meaning this in a bad way OP but for god sake, why should you be secret about things now? Why all the drama?

Why would the relationship be "wrong". What does new man say?

Sorry OP but I agree with MissFaversham. I wouldnt want to be with someone that was scared of being with me because of what another man would do. I like my men to be strong and I couldnt be with someone this wimpy. As you said its 'easy' at the moment but if he really wanted you I think he would put up with all the flak in the world to do so.

You cant be scared all your life of what your ex might do or you'd never move on with anyone. You need someone strong that will face this with you

Hmmmm interesting

It's really weird. Ex is scary, he is manipulative, he is aggressive, he is not hot air. So kinda the fact that new guy is with me at all is a miracle - it hasn't stopped him so far.

My gut feeling is that new man is a good guy, he doesn't want to be seen as doing something wrong (i.e. taking ex's woman - especially when it is pretty obvious to everyone that ex is still a bit hung up on the split because after all I did DEFY him and leave, and even though most people know he was abusive, they don't really address this iykwim) and so it goes without saying that he would be manipulative to our mutual friends, trying to get them to take sides etc etc.

So I get exactly what you mean, but in some ways it would be a real alarm bell for me for new guy to go "YEAH we are together and fuck what everyone else thinks" because that leads me down the whole ownership thing that I want to get away from in a man - the macho, the aggressive etc. I am totally comfortable that he likes me, respects me and wants to be with me. But he is also part of other worlds, he has friends whose relationships are important too, and children he has a lot so doesn't want to have a raving lunatic banging his door down. And yet despite all these fears and realities, he does still want us to be together, and I think maybe we just carry on taking it easy. It's still early days. I am seeing him tomorrow from late afternoon, all evening and we are both off work Tuesday too. I am excited and he is too, so maybe I should stop the bloody worrying and just enjoy it for what it is for now ?

I've just read the whole thread & I think just enjoy it but keep your heads down until your divorce is finalised so ex can't stop the divorce at the last minute. After that tough shit! You're free! This new man isn't his close friend - you just happen to have friends in common - so what?!! Congratulations on finding a decent man after what must have been a terrible relationship

I can understand why your new man doesn't want to be attacked by your ex - I don't see it as being a wimp. However, he's either with you or he isn't and you could wait another 6 months or a year before going public and your ex will still be the same. I think you should tell your new man you will be going public when your divorce is over, if he doesn't accept that I would question your relationship.