Ex P has moved on, why am I finding it so hard to deal with?

[Tarantulip]

This is my first post in Relationships, although I am a regular lurker.

I?ve been with my P for 9 years, we were both married before and have DC, although none together. It has not been a particularly happy relationship, he is quite emotionally insecure, generally a glass half-empty type of person and he has a bad temper. He has, over the years, been quite unpleasant at times to me and my DC (I would say bordering on EA), but always maintained that he loved me, I was the best thing that ever happened to him, wanted to grow old with me ?.etc etc. We did have some happy times, just not enough of them. His relationship with my DC has improved over time but he can still be quite critical of them and of me for my methods of parenting (they are 15 and 13, and quite challenging)

I have recently ended the relationship, having got to the point where I felt that I didn?t love him anymore, our sex life was virtually non-existent (my lack of sex drive, not his), I couldn?t see any way that we could live together as a happy family, and I really wanted to be on my own, just me and the kids.

He was initially devastated, crying, vomiting, not sleeping/eating etc. and I did feel bad about this but was still convinced that I had made the right decision. However, he told me last week that he has started seeing someone new ? and I feel like I?ve been kicked in the guts. He is quite right when he says that I have not wanted to do things with him, go out, go on holiday, have sex, sit and cuddle etc. for a long time, and it is nice for him to have someone who does want to spend time with him.

So what the hell is wrong with me? The strong, determined me has vanished and been replaced by a feeble, quivering wreck. I have totally lost my appetite, can?t sleep, keep crying, feel anxious all the time etc. It feels like plain old-fashioned jealousy. But why? I can only seem to think of the good things we had and how could he move on so soon ? but in truth I have been emotionally detached from him for some time now. Now, I feel like I could quite easily say ?let?s have another try, don?t go out with her?. I know that separating is the best thing for me and the kids, I just don?t know why it now feels so hard.

Sorry, this is long and somewhat rambling, thank you for reading if you got this far. I just wondered if anyone has had a similar experience or any wise words for me (or failing that a strong kick up the arse!)

You are experiencing a loss, simple as that. I have recently separated from my partner after 6 years (he was conroling and could be horrible) and I have felt exactly like you. You know you have made the right decision.

I too am in the same place as you are- I left my husband last year and me and the DC moved in to rented accommodation. I was fine to start with, very determined and just accepted that the straw that broke the camels back was the best thing that had happened. However, as soon as my ex started to see someone else, I fell to pieces. Like you I couldn't eat, couldn't stop crying, felt depressed all the time and even sought counselling. I too felt like saying 'don't see her-come back' and even though he has proved time and again that he's a leopard and he's never going to change his spots-I know that I did the right thing.

You know yourself, deep down, the you made the right decision. Yes you are jealous that he is moving on with his life and has met someone else, but you will too as and when the time is right for you. Do you know that this relationship is real? Or is he just saying it to make you jealous?

They say that time is a great healer, and if you would of said that to me a few weeks back I wouldn't of agreed, but now I know that it is.....and you will too.

Sorry it's not much advice but just wanted to know that you are not on your own in this. :)

Thank you for the replies Theglass and kerbear, you are so right, I do know I have made the right decision and I am really annoyed with myself for feeling this way. Yes, I am sure the relationship is for real and he is not just saying it. We are still living together as not got the house on the market yet, but he's out with her tonight. He has done so much over the years which has led to me reaching the conclusion that there was no other alternative than to split, but i keep thinking 'what if he changes now and she ends up having the relationship with him that I should have had?' All totally irrational I know, I think it's most unlikely he will change. Just feeling very sorry for myself and feeling like a failure - my marriage broke up and now this relationship has failed too. I'm no spring chicken and I despair of ever finding anyone else.

Thanks Leverette, I need to hear that! I know I should be glad I no longer have to deal with his moods, insecurity and negativity but I just keep imagining him turning on the charm with her, exactly the way he did with me when we first got together. I need to try and forget the good times, as these were far less frequent than the bad bits. I kept a diary for a while, I think I will dig that out and have a read. It's just my feelings have shocked me, I didn't expect to feel this way.

What you feel is I would say loneliness. I miss my ex for his company and someone talk to. I made him my everything more fool me because I have found myself rather loanly...

I know exactly how you feel, I ended my marriage of 13 years last summer and my husband is now living with someone else - met her in January, moved in with her and her 4 kids in February and has told me recently he will propose soon. Even though I don't want him back and it was my decision to separate, I have been very upset at how quickly he has moved on.
We have 3 DCs and how he has been re them has been v upsetting too, but re him moving on I don't understand why I'm bothered.
He was emotionally abusive and i made allowances time and time again (bad childhood, moved here from abroad and hated it etc etc) and he has left me with horrendous debt. His new woman knows nothing of what he's really like but I am so bitter how he has moved on scott-free and left me to deal with the aftermath. But I don't want him so I don't understand why it hurts so much.
Just wanted to send you some support and say I understand. It's shit. But in a few years hopefully we'll look back on this, happy, and say 'Wow, thank f*ck I'm not in that place anymore'.

Hi JoeRich, thanks for your post, sorry you too are going through this. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said 'his new woman knows nothing of what he is really like'. Part of me thinks 'oh well, he'll soon show his true colours and she'll have to deal with all the shit' but the other part thinks 'what if he does change and they end up happy together, while I'm lonely and miserable for ever!'

A couple of weeks ago I really didn't want anything to do with him, could barely bring myself to speak to him and didn't care if he went out. I was looking forward to a time when I am in my own place with the DCs and free of his neediness, criticism and negativity. I had hopes of one day meeting someone new and having a happy relationship. Those feelings have all but vanished and I now feel scared and very pessimistic about the future.

Hi turantulip
You are definitely not on your own with these feelings.
I decided to end my marriage almost 2 years ago, he met and moved in with his new girlfriend within 3 months.
I suffered pd after my 3rd daughter and put on weight and didnt want to do all those things you didnt want to do. I ended my marriage, he didnt really put up a fight. I believe if he truly loved me he would of fought but instead he moved on very quickly. He has never looked back. He has his perfect life now and is doing with her all the things I didnt want too.
All I can say is this proves to me that I made the right decision.
Its been a rollercoaster of emotions and this is normal. I am a completely different person today than i was when I was married. The last 2 years have made me stronger.
What has happened has happened and I have to make good of my life now and believe it all happens for a reason.
You ended your marriage for a reason and you may be questioning it at this moment in time and its because your afraid of the unknown. I was too. Iv been at rock bottom.
Now I have a plan and I do believe in what I want I will get because being positive is the only way through this.
Try and focus on your new life. Focus on what you want and believe thats where your heading.
Im not sure if Iv helped but I wanted you to know this is normal how you feel and it will get better.
Good luck to you :)

Hi CoEmLibs, thank you, your post is very helpful and I admire the way you have dealt with the situation. It's definitely the fear of the unknown that's hard to handle. I've been in a marriage/relationship almost permanently since the age of 25 (I'm 47 now) - some days I think it will be great to be on my own, living my life how I want without having to accommodate a man, other days the thought of this terrifies me. I absolutely agree, it is a rollercoaster of emotions. So .... onwards and upwards :)

OP-I know how you feel when you say 'what if he changes and gives her the relationship that you should of had'.....'that he'll be turning on the charm'......yes he will be turning on the charm and she will know nothing of what he is like....but as a good friend of mine told me....he CANNOT keep up the act forever. He will, eventually show his true colours....you just have to believe that. He turned on the charm with you....and after it worked his true colours came out. The same with my ex-his new gf knows nothing of what he did to me, but I know that, going on his past history with both me and his first wife, that he is a leopard and he will never change....only time will bring out the worst in him. I also know that he has not ally moved on, that he is being with this person because he does not like his own company and cannot be on his own - whereas you and I are going through the '5 stages of bereavement' and doing this the right way by grieving, being angry, being upset, and getting it out of our systems. He is not-he is hiding those emotions behind someone else so that he does not have to deal with them.

Exactly what kerbear said . I had exactly the same thoughts when my xh left for an ow after 17 years together , I also used logic to help ie however he does or doesnt treat her he didnt treat me well so what difference does it make ?

He left just over 2 years ago and I have remained single , I too had never been single since age 14 and am now 47 and you know what I am realising it has many advantages and the longer I am on my own the less attractive a relationship with all its attendant hassle

I think if XH had left and stayed on his own our split would have been far less painful for me because I think we are only human and even though we may know its the best thing to split its horrible watching our selves be replaced and someone else taking over the dreams we had. Just remember though they probably were just that - dreams

Sorry am almost 46 not 47 [buconfused] however Tarantulip we most certainly are spring chickens !!!!!

Ladies no matter what age, you are strong independant women and you deserve to be happy. Believe this!!!
Definitely onwards and upwards! :-)

OP, what you are feeling is completely normal and you are choosing to deal with your feelings and face them, rather than bury them and/or start seeing someone else. This never works, so be proud and know that you are diong the right thing.

I ended my relationship with abusive controlling ex nine months ago (to the day!) and he also started seeing someone else pretty quickly. It didnt hurt because Id already gone through it with him three years ago when HE ended it, saying he just wanted to be friends. I was hurt but didnt feel too badly about it till I found out about OW. I was devastated as he was the love of my life. Took him back less than a year later....fast forward to now and life is sooooo much better.

His new relationship broke up at Xmas - he persuaded her to get back with him tho. He hates being on his own. Even now I think as you do, what if I could have been happy with him? But it's just programming. It would never happen and I have learned to accept the feelings as just that - feelings. Please google "traumatic bonding" which you may find interesting.

Good luck and keep posting. There is so much support to be found here.

More wise words, thank you ladies :) I need to apply more logic and less emotion to the situation, I think (easier said than done!). As gettingeasier says, it doesn't matter how he does or doesn't treat her, he wasn't nice to me. And I will still be able to do all of the things we used to do - walks, coffee, days out, pub lunches etc but with other people (who will hopefully not get the hump if I don't want to shag them at the end of the day :) )