Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is there a way to make this friendship more normal?

11 replies

O2BNormal · 07/04/2012 20:58

I have a male friend I've known for 15ish years.

We're pretty close, have a lot of interests in common and there's not much we haven't discussed at one time or another (esp when sharing a beer!)

It is a platonic friendship and I have absolutely no desire for it to be anything else, but I know I don't feel the same way about him as I do about other friends, e.g.:

  • Whenever I have news he's the first person I want to tell (everyday news, DC1 getting a good test score, DM being unwell, closing a good deal at work)
  • If I don't get a prompt response to a text I worry, about whether he's safe and about whether he doesn't want to talk to me.
  • I keep a mental tally of who's turn it is to get in tough (i.e. don't want to seem too keen)
  • Although we usually see each other in the company of others, I know we both prefer it if it ends up just the two of us. Not because anything untoward is going to happen, but because after 15 years we're very relaxed in each other's company.

I spend too much time worrying about this and him.

BTW we've both been married more than 20 years and I know he adores his wife (obv only admits it after several of those beers Smile )

OP posts:
Alwayshappytolisten · 07/04/2012 21:09

Hmmm....this sounds suspiciously like the relationship I have with an ex. Are you sure it's just platonic on both sides (ie no emotional involvement beyond friendship)?

QuacksForDoughnuts · 07/04/2012 21:12

It is 'normal' to worry about people you care about, want to share good news with some friends more than others and occasionally want to see them alone. Are both partners aware that nothing dodgy is going on? If there's trust all round and neither partner/family is being neglected then there's not really a problem...

catsareevil · 07/04/2012 21:16

Why are you worrying so much about this? If it is platonic then what is the problem?

awbless · 07/04/2012 21:20

Sounds fine to me. My BF is male and I trust him more than any of my XH's! We've been friends since school, know each other better than anyone else and would trust him with my life. He knows stuff about me that no-one else does - esp not a partner. Love him to bits.

However the downside is that our partners have always been suspicious/threatened by our relationship so unfortunately we have 'cooled' (prob not right word) over the last few years as we are both in new relationships (4 years now). Maybe it's because we are getting older, or maybe it's because we have cocked up so many relationships and marriages bewteen us, we are trying really hard now.

I do miss him though, he is the only one who I can really be my real self with. Your post has made me realise - what a shame it is. So if you can carry on with your relationship then do, I implore you. x

Original poster
O2BNormal · 07/04/2012 21:54

I don't know cats, that's why I'm asking.

Awbless, what you describe is exactly what we have. My DH is absolutely relaxed about it, I think his DW has had concerns the past, but has put them behind her.

I just wonder if it's always healthy. For example we were due to meet last weekend (with our DC) and he had to change the plans. He had a very valid reason, but I felt like I'd been stood up and was far more annoyed about it than I would have been with other friends.

OP posts:
catsareevil · 07/04/2012 21:56

Are you really sure that you want it to be platonic?

LoopyLoeufdePaques · 07/04/2012 21:58

you looove him.

HepHep · 07/04/2012 22:08

I have a male friend a bit like this. I think if you are giving it this much headspace, there is something there - even if you know logically you wouldn't want a relationship with him if the two of you were single. That doesn't mean there is nothing - sounds like you love him but don't want to be with him?
My best mate is male, he's really the only friend I have locally so we end up spending time together quite often. I find myself worrying about what it is, how to see it, and I'm dating someone else in the next county. He's single.

I think if you are treating them in ways you wouldn't treat any other friend - there is something there. Doesn't mean you have to act on it at all, but you can admit it to yourself, if not to him.

I dunno, I'm not much use really :) Watching this with interest, anyway.

Original poster
O2BNormal · 07/04/2012 22:09

Of course I love him, but I do definitely want it to be platonic. I have absolutely no dreams of us being together, I'm just aware that it is different to my other friendships and wondering if there is anything I can/should be doing about that.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 07/04/2012 22:11

If your DH is happy and his DW is happy then there is nothing to worry about, apart from social pressure from mundanes which can be safely ignored.

MissEPankhurst · 07/04/2012 22:33

I think it's completely normal to feel like this about different friends because:

  1. I worry more about some of my female friends than others because I am closer to some than others, and
  2. I am very close to one of my male cousins, with whom there could have been much more (except for the obviously eeeeeeugh reasons) but we've worked that out and have a fab friendship and I can tell him anything. There are the odd occasions when we wonder what if, but the family and social boundaries stop the discussions, thoughts and most definitely any actions. So I guess we have arrived at the platonic friendship a different way but it is still very different from any other friendship I have. That said each of my female friendships are very different to each other [buconfused]
New posts on this thread. Refresh page