I am currently going through a trial separation from my H because of his SA (Have posted earlier.)
He has now started seeing a SA counsellor about this. Anyway, he was reading a book about Emotional Intelligence and the term 'Alexithymia' comes up.
It is my H to a tee. For example, he cannot relate to emotion nor can he express his emotions - we have known that for years - he says there is a wall that cannot be broached. Also the many physical complaints, monotone voice, certain phrases that are repeated whenever emotion descriptors are called for. No empathy for anyone and a total inability to put himself in others positions. The addictions seem to be common with Alexithmics; he seems to be using the porn as a way of controlling difficult emotions.
H has had a disturbed background with a cold and emotionally neglectful mother. Father left home due to an affair and they had very little contact with him. Mother told my H repeatedly that he mustn't cry, must hold his emotions in or else she wouldn't be able to cope. It was from then on that he lost the ability to express himself emotionally. He was about 10.
And now we have found that there is a name for what he is. To be frank I'm having a great difficulty in getting my head around it. I have been with him for 16 years and married for nearly 10. Apart from the porn, the other great bug bear was the lack of demonstrative affection - you know actually thinking about someone, what they would like, what things it would be nice to do for them. It?s like I am the driving force and he is along for the ride.
As I replay the last 16 years I keep on thinking about more and more examples and it feels as if a giant jigsaw puzzle is finally being completed. But..... is there help available? Is there any support for partners? And perhaps most importantly, is there any hope that he can feel his emotions again?
I should also add that we have two DC (DD1 is 5 and DD2 is 3). He has taken an online test and he scores highly for Alexithymia. Presumably it?s GP and then a referral to a psychiatrist?