In a Dilemma

[NoMoreDoormat]

Have namechanged here as I feel awful about this. I've posted here before about the shitty state of my relationship. I was cheated on last year and have been unable to get over it. I tried for the sake of the kids but after the initial making up period things just got worse.
I haven't wanted to have sex with my dp for months now, I just don't feel that way about him anymore. His answer to that was to have sex with me when I was asleep. This would usually happen when i'd had a few bevvies so he'd know I wouldn't wake up. I would know straight away though as my underwear was missing. Even after I confronted him he kept doing it so we now sleep in seperate beds.
I am currently trying to move out but am sort of trapped as he's the earner of the household. I'm hoping to work through this in the next couple of weeks though.
My dilemma is I have fallen for someone else. Even though my relationship is over I still feel like i'm sneaking around and I feel awful. Nothing has happened between myself and this other man, it's more of a friendship at the moment. If dp (don't know why I still call him that, it's over) found out he'd hit the roof even though his last words to me were to pack my bags and get out.
I don't know what to do. I value the friendship with this guy and feel it could progress to something else but the timing sucks. He wants to see me tonight (just for a coffee, we haven't even kissed!) and I do too but why does it feel like i'm cheating?

Sweetheart, a man who has sex with you whilst you are drunk and unconscious is a rapist.

You need to get out of that relationship and get safe before starting anything else.

You need time to heal and grieve. Be kind to yourself and give yourself this space.

I am trying to get out but with no income of my own it's proving hard. He sees nothing wrong with what he has done even though it sickens me to the pit of my stomach.
I feel this guy could help me get out though, is that wrong?

If you think you will separate and are separated in your mind it's not being unfaithful really. You are not married. But that doesn't mean it's a great idea. Do you have kids? Do you need financial support for you and them after you have separated? Being involved with another man will really muddy the waters and will not help you when stbxp finds out. Not that he will necessarily, but it is something to think about.

Also are you've really fallen for this man or if you are just glad for some attention and it's a distraction? Not dismissing your feelings but look at your motives, what is in this for you, and where it can end up very carefully.

I would not give a man like that a second thought except to seriously think of reporting him to police, get out of there ASAP money isn't worth putting up with that, maybe then you can look to future, possible with new man xxx

Your husband abused you.

Phone Women's Aid and they will help you sort out the emotional and financial side.

Moving from an abusive relationship without giving yourself time to heal really isn't a good idea.

i think you need to extricate yourself from your relationship and spend quite a while getting your head straight before you jump into anything new.

your feelings can't be anything but clouded right now, there's just no way around it.

there's nothing "wrong" with this new guy helping you get out, but please realise that in relying on another human being to save you, you ARE setting up another unhealthy-possibly-leading-to-abusive dynamic with him.

you don't need a saviour, you need self-respect and autonomy, and your next relationship needs to be build on mutual respect. i don't think turning to a new man to save you from the last one is going to help with any of those things.

i wish you the best and hope you can find a way out of your current situation very soon.

It is understandably to be looking to this other man to help you get out but it isn't the right thing to do. Get out now. Have some time alone then consider whether you are ready for a relationship with someone else.

What everyone else said, but I just wanted to add that if you are fairly regularly drinking so much that you sleep through these attacks and only realise they've happened when your knickers are missing in the morning, you also need to address your drinking.

I get what you are all saying and thank you. I really don't want to be looking at this man as my saviour but I don't want to lose his friendship either. He has no idea what has been going on at home as I don't want to get him involved.

I know I should ring Womens Aid but i'm too embarrassed. I'm hoping I can get out by myself.

Fetchez, it would only have been once a month and after a few drinks at our local. He knows I sleep heavier with a few drinks on me

I really hope you're not thinking you'll just move into this man's house straight from your own home.

After a relationship like that you need time to yourself to work out what you want from life and from a relationship. You could be going from the frying pan into the fire.

No, not at all. The last thing I want to be doing is living with another man. I'm looking forward to having my own place and getting my life back.
I can't explain what it is about this man but I feel better just knowing him. We just have normal conversations and there's nothing sexual about it at all. Maybe it's because i'm short on friends and family in this area but having him to talk to makes me feel human again.

please ring Women's Aid. you can ignore your embarrassment if you know that's the right thing to do.

having proper support from experienced people will help you see this new man as clearly as possible, and give you the best possible start with him iyswim.

I was in a similar situation with my XP. He was verbally abusive, very moody and often went for weeks without speaking to me. H edrank quite heavily and whilst pissed told me he didnt love me and wanted to separate. I always said same "I agree but can we discuss it when you are sober". He never would - just didnt speak to me like I had done something wrong!

Anyway I'll get to point - I eventually just carroed on with my own life, going oit with friends etc. and thought we were living seperate lives (why I didn't have the guts to leave is a different story). However, I met someone and started seeing him, XP went mad. He put a tracker on my car and left and took me for every penny he could get. MY bloody money and house - and I had to hand obver half!

The point of my rather tedious story is, don't think your DP thinks like you do = when they know you've got someone else they change thier tune. get your house in order, get in control of money, finaces etc. Don't be niaive like I was.

BTW it is lovely when you get affection after being with a complete prick!