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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Open relationships...could you?

24 replies

Elenaki · 07/04/2012 11:43

Have just read this:

www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/apr/06/couples-in-open-relationships

What do you make of it? There are some interesting points in favour (people living longer, alternatives to divorce etc) but I know right now that I simply couldn't do it, even though I am secure in my knowledge of DP's feelings for me etc. No way.

What about you?

OP posts:
Elenaki · 07/04/2012 11:45

Apols for the lack of hyperlink there, am a bit of a technology loser Blush

OP posts:
meetzemonsta · 07/04/2012 14:23

Apparently not a popular topic at the moment while everybody else tries to keep their marriages together..!

But an interesting discussion idea Elenaki! I think the media burp this sort of story up every so often, I read something similar a while back too and duly discussed it with DW... I think I liked the idea of having an extra female around, especially as the article I read featured a bloke who had a live-in girlfriend. I was thinking, wow - an extra wage (potentially), more help with the kids, babysitting would be a doddle, the school run ditto. Great!

Of course when DW pointed out that she could have boyfriend too I was slightly less enthused. (Men being less good at household organisation - and what if he was better in bed than me?)

But when we'd talked it through, I think I decided (I can't speak for her...) that the worries you would have would mainly centre around being left for another person, which is not quite the same as jealousy I don't think. As the article says though, this may happen anyway...

And I think this is where the central taboo comes in here - bear in mind I'm thinking out loud here. I think people get the idea of doing this sort of thing so you can sleep with other people. But what about love? It seems that there is a taboo about loving more than one person at once. In essence, you can't, it's not allowed. But clearly it happens...

There's a bit in the article about this but not much solid evidence that love is so easily shared as bodies...

Another thing - I adore my DW and could never leave her and we've had our fair share of problems... But for many people marriage and monogamy are clearly a form of torture.

Perhaps this sort of thing will grow and become a sort of safety valve for marriages - where it's vital couples stay together for their children but they are often forced to separate, after an affair say, because of one partner's insistence on exclusivity. (Which will fade in line with the fading of belief in God/religious rites etc???)

Or something.

nizlopi · 07/04/2012 14:53

Not for me personally, but the idea doesn't make my head explode.

confusedpixie · 07/04/2012 15:03

I could and discussed it at length with my ex when we were long distance (who kept changing his mind as to whether he wanted to or not, ended up not) and with my DP who, when we were not living together and in our early days (but long distance), was fine with the idea but we were both just so busy that neither of us ended up doing anything anyway and we moved in together relatively quickly.

I would still do it and am very open to it, but I know that emotionally I work in a very different way to other people and it would suit me, whereas DP isn't so keen on the idea now that we live together as we do have one another on tap really. But then we're both young and relatively inexperienced sexually, and interested in broadening our horizons and I think if we weren't house sharing DP would be up for experimenting more with others in our own space!

revolutionconfirmed · 07/04/2012 15:16

I couldn't. I am far too jealous and posessive (not great traits, I know) as is DP. We have children together and are engaged (we have been for two and a half years as we can't afford the wedding we want) and we said at the beginning that this was monogamous. If DP ever slept with someone else it would break my heart and vice versa but loving someone else would tear me to pieces. The prospect of an emotional attachment strikes fear in me much more than a fumble.

While it's idealistic to think that we will be happy only having sex with each other forever, our relationship is strong, loving and passionate right now. We have had many sexual partners in the past and a few relationships despite only being in our twenties when we met and we feel this is for life. If it ever comes down to it, we'd discuss it but unless my personality drastically changes I don't see me insinuating it or being happy with the prospect.

I found out my grandparents were swingers a few years ago. To me they had a loving relationship that was strong to the very end when my nan died of cancer. My grandfather still loves her and always will. They were married for 46 years but I don't know for how long they were non-monogamous. I'm sure there are many other marriages out there like my grandparents proving that this can work but right now and in the foreseeable future, it isn't for me.

Elenaki · 07/04/2012 15:35

Yes - sorry - no insensitivity intended towards those going through traumatic times at the moment. I hope the topic of this thread hasn't caused offence.

In a way, I wish I was the type of person who would be ok with it. As Pixie hinted at above, everyone thinks differently and there's no 'standard' which we all abide by. I'm curious though, as to whether the media do sugar-coat this type of setup somewhat. I know the article hinted at jealousy issues in the couples they featured, but I'm not sure how representative those examples actually are.

Personally, I don't think the fear of being left for someone else would be my main concern. I think it would be the thought that my DP would end up preferring someone else (whether sexually or emotionally) - thus sort circuiting the whole 'safety valve' concept. But maybe that's just personal hang ups.

Interesting spin off from this (and interesting that we've got a bloke in on this conversation, Meet!) - they say that men are more prone to sexual jealousy, whilst women are more prone to emotional jealousy. Not sure it is that simple, myself.

At the risk of sounding blinkered - Pixie, or others who share a similar view - how would you just not get jealous?! No matter how sure you are of how your partner feels for you.

OP posts:
DinahMoHum · 07/04/2012 15:45

i couldnt no.

its not the sleeping with other people as such, i could possibly cope with the idea of a threesome or even swinging IF the circumstances were right and we were doing it together, but certainly not my partner just being able to go off and have other girlfriends or fuck buddies, and i wouldnt want to do that either. Im just not that sort of person.
I know people that do it though, and theyre fine with it.

confusedpixie · 07/04/2012 15:58

I don't really feel strong emotions being honest and the idea of DP with another person just makes me want him even more Blush I think I'd probably feel differently in the years to come and want a monogamous relationship later on though.

HepHep · 07/04/2012 16:00

Having just read it, my instinct is no, I could never go there. Don't mind those who do (so long as they are not cheating and everyone involved understands the situation) but for me? Nah. I'm a one person kinda person, when it comes to sex and love. Too jealous, too lazy Grin

DustyDen · 07/04/2012 16:43

I tried it with an ex, but found that I didn't want the other person as well as him, I wanted the other person instead of him. I broke up with my ex and I've now been with the other person for nearly three years, all monogamously. Grin

I know many people it works for, but I've tried it and I'm definitely monogamous.

oikopolis · 07/04/2012 16:45

in theory it's something i would be ok with. pure monogamy isn't necessary for a happy relationship.

but in practice, the fact is, women get pregnant from sex, and people become infatuated with one another (and spend time together, spend money on one another, etc). and i would like my DH to only be getting me pregnant, and to give me (and any children) the focus of his attention, effort and resources.

and i would not be wanting to shag other men because i don't want to have children with them. and i don't have the time or energy to invest in someone else. i love my husband and want to spend my time with him.

i think if i wasn't into having kids, and if abortion was something i would be happy to do should i become pregnant, it would be a bit different, but that's not the case for me.

Dreamless · 07/04/2012 17:33

Nope, most definitely not for me. It would feel like giving him permission to cheat. I don't like the idea of anything happening behind my back; even if I knew about it, I still wouldn't actually know what they were doing together/ talking about and I'd beat myself up imagining things. I wouldn't want to do it myself either. I value loyalty. Casual sex/ emotional involvement with someone other than the person I am married to just doesn't sit comfortably with me.

I wouldn't judge anyone else for wanting to be in an open relationship. Each to their own.

Helltotheno · 07/04/2012 18:56

and i would like my DH to only be getting me pregnant, and to give me (and any children) the focus of his attention, effort and resources.

I agree with this. In theory I'm fine with the 'open' idea but in the context of the above, I reckon it would just take up too much of our energy and time, which is already in short supply. In some ways, what I'd like more is living seperately but ... in perfect harmony, if such a thing were possible Grin.

WibblyBibble · 08/04/2012 00:21

I could, have and am. But I think that article does reflect the problems with nonmonogamy in a gender-unequal society, somewhat unintentionally.

WibblyBibble · 08/04/2012 00:23

"and i would like my DH to only be getting me pregnant, and to give me (and any children) the focus of his attention, effort and resources."

Monogamy doesn't provide that certainty though. What happens if (and 50% chance you will) you divorce, and he or you go on to have children with someone else? I know no one likes to think it will happen but it does, every day pretty much, and has nothing to do with open relationships.

lesley33 · 08/04/2012 00:27

I am always suspicious tbh that open relationships is a way to lessen the intensity of emotional closeness in a monogamous relationship. I think it would be very hard to spend enough time with 2 people to sustain real close relationships and do all the everyday stuff too. Just having sex is different, but I am definitely a monogamous type naturally.

1950sHousewife · 08/04/2012 00:28

I saw this article and was fascinated at how differently their 'jealousometers' seem to be set so differently to mine. I don't think I could cope with sharing my DH.

Equally, after many many years together I am really tempted to give him a 'hall pass' one day - and take a hall pass for me at the same time. Sometimes I just think that I can see my attractiveness heading down fast and would love to have one last shot at having a snog with at stranger... sigh.

oikopolis · 08/04/2012 00:49

WibblyBibble you'll see i use the words "would like"...

obviously you could always end up splitting up, but the point is, i don't fancy a situation where having babies all over the place and then having to share out resources accordingly is a near-certainty.

i would prefer to cultivate a situation where we are both at least attempting to keep things simple. i prefer not to build complexity into a relationship from the get-go. seems silly to me. shagging a million different people just isn't worth the fuss in my eyes.

but then, some people seem to be incredibly energised by the sexual and romantic attentions of others, and perhaps for those people, an open arrangement is worth the fuss. more power to them etc. i would rather read a nice book or potter around in the garden frankly!

maleview70 · 08/04/2012 07:10

I could but my DW wouldn't in a million years so would never even bring the subject up!

CheerfulYank · 08/04/2012 07:35

No, it's not for me, but I don't think there's anything necessarily wrong with it. Of course I miss shagging other people, but for me it was a very considered choice between that a marriage and partnership with a man I adore. He wins every time.

DH and I are religious, but it's not so much that really. I think for us sex is and always has been an amazing bonding experience that we share only with each other.

But if others like it, hey ho. :)

CheerfulYank · 08/04/2012 07:35

between that and a, I meant. :)

ElusiveCamel · 08/04/2012 08:31

I can do it and have done it before, but probably wouldn't do it in a serious relationship. Don't know, maybe. Would depend on the relationship and the person. When XH and I started going out it was open and at the end, I suggested that he start seeing other people (he didn't want to though) - don't think I'd have wanted the bit in the middle to be an open or poly set-up though.

fiventhree · 08/04/2012 09:57

No.

I have heard it described as 'socialism in one country' ie nice idea in theory, but very hard to make it work in practice.

LisaD1 · 08/04/2012 18:30

I have been in past relationships where I think I could have been happy with it being an open one. But I have changed my mind since meeting my DH and it would not be for me now, in my younger years it definitely appealed to me but not now (not that I am old! nearly 40) I'm not even entirely sure why I have changed my mind, just that I have. I have no problem with those that do chose it though so long as all parties involved have the same agenda.

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