How to best support my friend

[Gauchita]

I'll try and keep it short-ish.

I have a friend from when we were in primary school; we live thousands of miles away so keep in touch mainly by email or, these days, by whatsapp.

She lives with her partner of 2-odd years and their 1yo DD. I saw something her DP had posted on FB so I contacted her to make sure everything was ok, it wasn't.

She said her DP had been treating her awfully, that she thought he didn't love her anymore, that he was distant, aggressive and uncaring.

That she had received calls from two women telling her her DP had contacted them and to please ask him not to as they were married women and not interested in whatever he was offering.

Her DP has only recently got a job (ever since they first got together) and he's complaining his back hurts and the hours are too long. She's been in charge of all expenses up to now, and has lent him quite a bit of money in the past.
Up to this moment he wasn't working and neither actively looking, nor helping her at all with their DD or their flat, so she mainly had to do it all. She had to ask her mother to come and live with them to take care of their DD while she goes to work.

So she tells me she's tired and fed up with it all, that she's been supporting him all this time (both emotionally and financially) and yet he treats her like a doormat. She also tells me he evidently has been actively looking for other women and she's heartbroken.

At this point I should add she lives in quite a chauvinistic society where men still expect to be sitting down at the table waiting for their food (and everything really) to come to them and not lift a finger, you might get the picture.

I don't know how to best support her. I know I should "listen" or read her and let her do the talking, but considering I'm messaging her I don't know how to best do that.

I also find it very hard not to directly tell her to kick the bastard out of her life as he's not adding anything to it. I would, BUT, experience has taught me (I had the same with my sister and her DP) that once you say those things and they agree there and then and say they will, that you're right, that they deserve better, etc etc, but they then decide to go back together with them, then you cannot take back what you said. She's been on and off with this man for years! (they met when they were 17).

She feels stuck, she's facing redundancy in August as their company is closing the site where she works so she says she cannot just move out and take her DD as she needs to save as much as she can. I feel sad for her and would love to help her more.

Sorry this turned into a novel!

How would you support her if she was your friend?

(DC calling now but I'll come back later)

I'd be honest with her... not 'kick him out' but encouraging her to stand up for herself and her daughter, pointing out that others would not tolerate bad behaviour, womanising or laziness and offering moral support if she shows any sign of fighting back. If she's in a backward misogynistic sort of society and he's only a 'DP' rather than a 'DH' she probably has very few rights legally into the bargain. If she does decide to stay with him, why would you have to take back anything you said? He's a waste of skin whether they're together or apart and there is no shame in telling the truth.

Thanks Cogito. I've told her she deserves better but somehow she can't seem to see it Telling her others wouldn't tolerate this sounds like a good idea.

I wouldn't take back what I say but I found that both with my sister and another good friend who went through similar experiences and then they went back together with their DPs that they didn't talk to me about the matter again. Even when I knew things were not ok (through others or by witnessing the problems myself).

My sister went on to re-marry her ex husband about a year ago and to this day she never told me

I guess that's why I came for advice, I don't want her to withdraw and stop
talking about it. He showed some awful features as soon as they started going out: incredibly jealous, always creating arguments due to her having male colleagues, etc etc.

If people make a decision that they fundamentally know is a bad one then they are already hiding their head in the sand. Not telling someone that they know disapproves is simply a vain attempt to ignore reality. It's far easier to subscribe to the fantasy world in which they are married to a nice man if they exclude anyone that tells them he's a shit. If they withdraw from you for telling the inconvenient truth therefore, it is not your fault.

So true, Cogito. I see what you say word for word with my sister unfortunately.

it sounds awful doesn't it? sounds like both the culture and her mother support the behaviour which is a lot to counter. by her mother i mean that given she's been willing to move in and do the childcare and witness his shitness she presumably sees it as normal too and enables the situation.

very tricky to be the only counter voice to all of that.

i think you're right that you primarily need to keep a place of listening as you may be her only outlet where she can explore and endorse her feelings of it not being right. at the same time of course you want to help more actively than that. tricky.

ime it becomes increasingly frustrating and upsetting to feel so disempowered to help someone yet to listen a lot to the problems and feel the pain. we can't be therapists with our friends, there are good reasons why that role needs to be taken by a stranger with clear boundaries and professional detachment of some degree.

at some point we need to be authentic to ourselves and speak out ime because it is too hard to keep hearing the awfulness and not actively defend them and try to get them out of whatever the misery/abuse/situation is.

sorry - none of that is very helpful

To me some bad relationships are a form of addiction with everything that goes with it. I've had the misfortune to be around more than a few alcoholics over the years and, like someone in a bad relationship, they'll bend your ear telling you how 'that's it, no more', asking for your help and support (which you give, of course), drawing on your compassion ... then secretly creep back to the booze, deny it's a problem or lie about it, disappear for days/months/years because they can't face you. And repeat. Even when they go the professional therapy route it's no guarantee that the behaviour stops.

I think there is a point, not where you stop caring, but where you have to stop thinking you can make a difference. I had a friend who was in an abusive relationship. Shifted heaven an earth to help her escape with her kids to our home town a few hundred miles away. Then, a few months later, I discovered she had not only moved house without telling me, but was back together with the husband. At that point I realised that I was being used and I dropped contact. Have never regretted it.

Yes, it's tricky, and I agree with you Swallowed, sometimes we find we must step back. It can be emotionally heavy for the one giving the support.

Cogito, that's very similar to what I went through with my sister. When she was fed up she vented, agreed with me that it had all become too much, I would be there night and day with my virtual shoulder (she also lives thousands of miles away) and she would vow to make changes, leave him for good etc only for a few days later - and lots of silence in between - I'd ask her how things were and suddenly he had apologised and things were very good and and and...

I adore my sister but I think I'll never be able to understand certain things.