When your DP/DH has a differing attitude toward friends/socialising than you do

[BertieBotts]

Does anyone else have this and find it hard? DP has absolutely no interest in socialising with my friends, unless he has some kind of connection with them too, for example, someone we were both at school with. I invite him along to things, but he makes excuses or he will come to one thing - like an NCT Christmas get together (he is not DS' father, so didn't meet the other couples originally) - he came along, but on the way home said he wouldn't come to another one, because he didn't get on with the people there and they made him feel small due to the fact the other DHs are all married, in their 30s, professional in careers with salaries, and (at the time) he was early 20s, working minimum wage nights in a hotel. The age thing has never been a problem for me with the NCT group, so it's not that they are stand-offish or set out to make him feel small.

When I ask him about this he just says that he already has friends and doesn't want/need any more, but I find this really frustrating and difficult to understand! I don't know if it's just because I'm a particularly sociable person and like meeting people or he is particularly solitary, or a bit of both. He doesn't have any friends who live locally because all of them are from uni, so are spread out quite a bit - he keeps in touch with them online, and he used to have a big party/get together once a year and invite everyone. One of them lives 30 minutes away so sometimes comes over or they will go out etc. I get on with his friends but obviously don't know them very well because they are never around.

I just find it really frustrating! He doesn't ever seem to want to meet anyone I want to introduce him to. Of course I know that not everyone can get on and be one big happy family circle thing, but I find it kind of upsetting that he doesn't even make an effort. When I tell him this, he just says that he does make an effort, but then immediately decides he doesn't like people.

I know it is not just me, because other women I have met through having DS have said similar things, and if we ever try to get our various menfolk to meet up they are not having any of it! I suppose it's fair enough, but I just find it really hard to understand and tend to take it personally a bit, I suppose.

How long have you two been together? I'm assuming he lives away from his university town - does he have family nearby? Does he have ambition for his future career? How does he get on with his family? Do you two live together?

Sorry, so many questions!

No, it's fine :)

Been together 18ish months (more like 17, I think actually)

Lives away from university town, but in the town we both grew up in/went to school in - we went to the same school but lost touch for a bit after this. But his friends are literally spread all over the world.

He has family nearby although it's a slightly unusual setup. He has sisters who are 20ish years older and we see one of them fairly regularly. I get on with her and he does too. His parents live close but they are elderly and we don't see them as often, he sees them alone more than I see them with him.

He has ambition/plans and has in fact moved up from where he was to a different (better) hotel and a management position, and has just applied for another job in the field he would really like to work in which looks like it has a decent chance of being successful.

We live together, have done since July. I feel that in hindsight this was too soon and so at Christmas time we discussed him possibly moving out for a few months, but have recently decided against it (my decision mainly) and am feeling much better about the relationship than I as back then.

My exH used to do this. Once, when I finally got him to come along to some social occasion he sat there like a wet weekend, said nothing all night and then moaned like hell when we got home that he should never have been there. Childish, I call it. It was one of many reasons why he is now an ex... :)

I think you are being a bit harsh actually. He has friends they're just not yours and live eslewhere. Some people are quite content with a small close circle. Not everyone wants to be the life and soul. Taking him to an nct do when he has nothing in common with anyone there doesn't sound the best idea tbh. Do you not know anyone that he might have more in common with.

Some people are also not comfortable in large social settings either and can get anxious or nervous.

My DH doesn't like socialising either. He has a small (very small!) number of geographically spread friends (who don't know each other) who he's area once in a blue moon, and he'd rather not come with me when I see my friends.

We deal with it by me seeing my friends alone and him staying at home. Unless I really want him to come (for example to a wedding/christening or when we've been invites as a couple to eat with one other couple). Other than that, I go in my own. Sometimes it is hard going alone (for example the twins club Easter party in a soft play centre - the other families all had one parent to one toddler and were haring around the place, while I was a bit restricted trying to safely encourage two 18 month old toddlers around a full size soft play frame!), while other times it suits me as I can arrive/leave when I fancy and not have to introduce him and check he's having a good time.

I do think I get asked to fewer get togetherness because DH doesn't come. I have occasionally met up with other mum friends and their DHs at the weekend, but it rarely happens twice because two mums, three babies and one dad is a slightly awkward combination for the dad (I think!). I'm guessing that's what it is, as I am still invited to meet up with just the mums and babies in the week.

So, I don't have any advice for changing the situation, but it is possible to live with it! As long as you're quite independent and thick skinned!

Good luck!

I'm a bit like your partner!!! know I'll have to watch it so reading your op has been good.

I have girlfriends, about 6 good ones, and they dont know each other and I see them every few months one at a time. I socialise with work too. And I have a neighbour who comes over most of all, several days a week sometimes. But otherwise the phone barely rings and I plan my time with my friends.

My new partner on the other hand has loads of friends and already I am meeting them and wondering what he's going to make of my little circle.....

So no advice for you really. I just hope you love your man warts and all and maybe over time his confidence will grow and he will enjoy your social life alongside you.

" Some people are quite content with a small close circle."

And other people prefer not to spend their lives with someone who makes no effort to get along with their friends.

This is hard...you need to weigh up how important socialising as a couple is for you. For me, it became more and more important and my partner become more and more resistant and in the end it was one reason why I split up with him. I felt isolated.

When I say weigh up how important I mean think about the next 10, 20, 30 years of your life. You might be able to live with it and work round it, or you might not. Talk to him about it, but don't try to force him to change...just express to him how important it is to you (if it is that important) and wait for his response.

I can understand his feelings about the NCT group get-together. He probably wouldn't have had anything in common with the men, is not a parent himself and wasn't there right at the start with them.

But you say he 'never' wants to be introduced to your friends and if that's true, it could be a big problem further down the line and it will have more of an impact on your life than you might imagine right now.

I have a friend whose husband hates socialising, but he's not too fond of looking after his children on his own either . She misses out a great deal on adult-only events and it's meant that she's been on her own looking after the children at group/family type gatherings which when they were younger, meant she couldn't relax and enjoy herself. Meanwhile, he got to spend all these child-free days at home on his computer....

She's sad that all the other dads in her school network have made friends and also feels very embarrassed that she's never able to reciprocate invitations to house gatherings, because he never goes out and won't have people at the house. She's a lovely person who naturally attracts friendship, but her husband's behaviour has severely restricted her life. I often wonder whether her kids have complained about him being different to other dads, because I think the sad thing is that they have missed out terribly too.

Do you have a social life together ie. go out for dinner, cinema etc?

I just think your post sounds a bit pushy - you don't know his friends as they live around the country, but one is only 30mins away. You could go and visit his friends?

I just find it really frustrating! He doesn't ever seem to want to meet anyone I want to introduce him to Why do you feel the need to introduce him to lots of people? I don't quite get it. If he's happy, and you and him have a good relationship why do you feel the need to broaden his social circle? Surely you can go out with your friends without him?

Athing OP actually states in her 2nd sentence that her dp will socialise with people he has something in common with, like their old school friends. He just can't be arsed to be dragged to NCT xmas parties etc -don't think I'd be overly bothered in my early 20's, no kids, never met them etc.....

Sorry - posted too early - OP is not saying dp doesn't get on with her best mates/lifelong friends....just that he doesn't want to go out as much as she does. OP likes meeting new people, dp doesn't.

Interesting responses, thank you. I do go out by myself with people which is good. We don't get to go out together much due to lack of babysitters but often have nights in where we do things together rather than doing our own thing.

I think with the NCT/other parents thing it's that he is very involved with DS to the point that he considers DS like his own son. So it is strange to me that he doesn't want to get to know any other parents. But thinking about it, he has agreed to come along to a couple of things he's been invited to but then been working or something at the same time.

Why would I randomly go and visit his friends? Or do you mean together? Mostly because they are all in their 20s and childfree and we have a toddler in tow.

TBH since I posted my OP I realised that I don't mind about the friends thing that much, especially since I started working and so had an opportunity to socialise with people fairly regularly. It is more that he is this way with my family and I find that does bother me.

Maybe I am just weird, though? Is it weird to want everyone to meet and like each other??

Also I was probably exaggerating if I said "never". He definitely isn't like your friend's DH, Hattytown! Sounds a bit like my ex...

ha ha - of course I meant you go together to see his friends

Whats up with him and your family?

I don't think your partner is committing a crime here OP. You are just different. These things start to show after a while. If he's not a massively social animal then he isn't.

I'm probably a bit like him to be honest. Sometimes I just don't want to sit with people I don't know and make small talk all night as I find it rather mundane and exhausting.

I remember when I first met my partner, who's in a profession where there are many nights out. I used to enjoy going to them (as probably had this need to want to be included), now, 9 times out of 10 I say no.

Oh and Bertie, whilst it's not "weird" it is a bit (thinks of words here) unrealistic to think everyone should get on.

Sounds to me he is happy with the friends he already has. Is he an introvert you an extrovert perhaps?

I know it's unrealistic, I just... yeah. I'm probably weird about that.

The family thing is that he has never met my dad in 18 months, granted my dad lives 90 minutes' drive away and they are always busy with work, school etc and we are usually busy with DP working nights but I'm starting to feel like he's avoiding any kind of meeting with him. I asked him straight out and he said, no, he didn't want to meet him particularly, and the reason for this is that my dad has been pretty uninvolved in my life, especially so since my parents divorced when I was 6. I'm not really close to him, and find him hard work at times, but equally, he hasn't done anything so bad that I'd consider cutting him out completely, and it's important to me that DP meets him at some point, especially since our relationship is now quite serious.

Anyway, he's now agreed to meet him but only because I said it was important to me.

The other thing was that he said he doesn't like my mum, because she is too nice and her personality is too one-dimensional and that makes her boring. And I think I'm just really personally offended that he doesn't like her. I mean, she's my MUM. She is AWESOME. How could anybody NOT like her, especially someone so important to me, etc. Obviously he's polite and interested to her face, makes conversation, etc, but just wouldn't choose to spend a day with her if he had the choice of other people's company. Which, TBH, I feel pretty much the same about his mum so it shouldn't be an issue, and I probably just need to get over it.

Sorry if this thread turned into a bit of a drip-feed. I think I didn't really realise that this was upsetting me the other night and so kind of displaced it onto something else.

YY kerstina I think that is exactly what it is. In fact on the myers-briggs personality thing we are opposite on every score, weird!

That does sound very mean to say that about your mom
My partner is an introvert and so am I but I make an effort with people and am friendly even though it is an effort because I am basically shy. I think he needs to make more of an effort to support you where it is more important to you as in how he is as regards to your mom and dad. Otherwise you will resent him and he may well lose you.
When we visit my DP's family it is me chatting to them while he watches the tv
When my DS was 1 i really wanted a little party for him but DP did not want one as it involved having people round. I had a bit of a meltdown which involved crying but he realised how important it was to me and DS did get a party. I think you need to chat to your DP tell him how you feel.

BB, what does he mean when he says your Mom is one dimensional?

Dh is like this and it doesn't bother me. I socialise alone with my friends and we go out together with his small circle of mates. He just doesn't have much to talk about with the husbands of my friends and it feels awkward so we leave it. Fine with me, I like time alone with my mates and I have a big established group of them that I have known forever. He is fine when it is us and a couple of them but nit as a bug group. It doesn't help that we are all bug drinkers and he is teetotal.

It was more because I was pressing him for an answer about why he didn't like her She is very "nice", she likes kittens and bunnies and fairies, and goes out of her way to help people and sees the good in every single person/situation. She's the kind of person who you could buy a pink fluffy thing for without a single hint of irony. She winces when people swear a lot. That kind of thing. But she also brought me and my sister up single handedly, loves animals, is kind to everyone, loves gardening, can paint, sing and play the guitar and when we get together we talk a lot, about all sorts. (DP isn't much of a talker, I have no idea how he copes with me TBH...)

We did talk about it, the other night which was why I was thinking about it. I think that ultimately it's more of a communication/bluntness thing. I would never tell him outright that I didn't like a member of his family so I feel kind of insulted that he tells me this about his, although actually I don't think he would mind if I told him I didn't like someone he admired. But equally he has told me on a couple of occasions that his mum doesn't like me. I was given ferrero rocher this easter when everyone else got easter eggs and he was all offended on my behalf! (I didn't mind, I much prefer ferrerro roche to easter eggs!) And the first time I met one of his sisters, he told me later that she didn't like me. Which I just think keep it to yourself! It makes me feel pretty uncomfortable.

I wonder if when he is saying "don't like" I am hearing "dislike" ie a fairly negative term, whereas he actually means "is indifferent to" which is quite different.

If I'm honest though I think he is just blunt. I appreciate this part of his personality in most situations but perhaps I just need to ask him to be a bit more tactful when it comes to family stuff.