hi all, im a lurker who has decided to post because ive no one to lean on and tbh i think i need to hear what i think im going to hear. firstly apologies for any typos as im using my mobile and secondly apologies if this goes on.
ive been with dp(?) for 5 yrs, we were childhood acquaintences who re met and fell pretty hard for each other. things moved fast but after a year i left him due to him being insanely insecure and fairly crazy then texting another girl. stupidly i went back after 5-6 months of texting/calling/meeting only to find out afterwards that he had been in a full blown relationship with ow.
i tried to forgive and be strong at times it was great. i found out i was pregnant with ds( we agreed to try and it literally happened immediately) and a week later dp was made redundant.
there began the major troubles. dp didnt support me through a really crap pregnancy, he carried on going out/spending money/ being generally irresponsible which caused rows as i was trying to prepare for baby. i was working 50hrs plus each week trying to save lots of cash and he didnt do a thing to help in house..and i mean not a single thing.
ds was born at 34 weeks after a very traumatic delivery and was in nicu for two weeks and quite poorly for some time after and still his behaviour never really changed- coming in vomiting at 3/4/5am etc.
basically this has continued til now. ive basically raised ds, who is thankfully thriving and beautiful. my part time wage supports us- dp is now self employed.
i suppose i could cope with this all but what ive realise is how emotionally abusive dp is. rather than be thankful for all i do he critisizes me, puts me down etc. and for really crazy things. ill try to give u an example. he does next to no house work-despite him working less hrs than me. id say he has maybe washed up 4 or 5 times since xmas and thats it. so after working full time this last week and having all late finishes i come home on thurs eve to him full of hell. "this house is disgraceful, im sick of living in a pig sty, i think u like living in a mess etc etc" bear in mind im up at 6 am putting washer on, ironing, getting myself and ds ready etc then doing as much as i can be bothered to on an evening.
i get so angry because i know deep down its so fundamentally wrong. why cant i just leave??? im almost sure i dont love him anymore. ive so many examples of him being nasty cruel and unfair its unbelievable. last night he said HE was leaving cos he had had enough of me making HIM feel like shit. the only thing making me stay is the thought of sharing custody of ds. this would break my heart, im crying just at the though. ive been there every step of the way for ds, he is my whole world. a world that for me changed the second i saw the positive test. ive nested, prioritised, worked hard to provide for ds, to put him at the centre of our lives. dp just has not done this. yet id have to be without my ds for 2/3 days of the week. it kills me to think he wouldnt be there when i woke up.
god please tell me there is a solution to this. my family and friends dislike dp as they know what he is like and i literally cant talk to anyone. any words will b greatly appreciated. many many thanks for reading this- im so sorry to ramble x