How do I stop feeling resentful?

[EverythingsNotRosie]

I have been with my DH for nigh on 11 years, married for 2 years. DD is 16 months old. DH is lovely, charismatic, has lots of friends, a social life, a job that is like a vocation to him- he loves it, he has to do it, but it doesn't pay very much. We both work full time and DD goes to nursery and she is very settled there.

I do most of the housework, all the washing/ ironing, he does the gardening, cooking and allotment. I think we do fair amounts in the home, he certainly doesn't sit down more than I do, although I have a fair amount of work to do at home- I have a management position at work, which I enjoy, but also have to do because the bills need paying- the vast majority of the financial burden is on me. I knew all of this would be the deal before having DD, went into it with my eyes open.

However... I feel increasingly resentful of my DH and it is starting to affect the intimacy/ closeness between us. I feel angry that I have to work full time and long hours to pay the bills, but he does a job which pays less that he loves. I feel resentful when he goes out in the evening and I am at home. I don't go out often as I don't have many friends, my colleagues all live in another town and other friends have babies too, and also I have work to do. DH certainly wouldn't mind me going out. I feel like we constantly 'tag team' with DD and don't do things with each other. Also, he doesn't drive so I do all the nursery pick ups, drop offs, always have to drive if we go out somewhere, always have to do the supermarket trip, never get a day off from being the non-drinking designated driver...

Sorry, this is really long. I suppose I just want to know how I get past these feelings. I knew what the deal was, I agreed with it, I don't want to 'leave the bastard', I love him and he loves me... Any suggestions?

Well, I think you need to balance things out a bit. He should learn to drive, for a start. It's not fair that you should bear that responsibility alone. Of course he may not want to, but you don't exactly want to do all the driving, do you? So that would be the first thing, as far as I'm concerned.

Then you need to think about your job. Are you happy to stay in it? Would you be happier moving into another job? Are your skills transferable? What about taking up a night-time activity? Is there something you two could do together? Could you join a running group or a book club or learn Japanese? Universities often run interesting courses (not with exams!) where you could mix with other adults, either alone or with him.

Long term, how would you like to be spending your time? What would be your ideal job?

To be honest it sounds like you're blaming your DH for things that aren't really his fault. It's not his fault that you have a job that you don't like, while he loves his, it's not his fault that you don't have friends while he has many and it's not his fault that you have to work in the evenings. It comes across that you envy his life, and are fed up with your own. The only way to remedy that is to improve your own life, either by changing your job (if possible) or by making an effort to make more friends by getting out, going to clubs, etc.

WRT to the driving thing, could you suggest that your DH starts learning? My DH didn't drive before we had children and I said I absolutely wouldn't have children until he learned. It took a lot of persuasion but he finally learned and now he's a great driver and the pressure is off me. If he refuses then I suggest you stop giving him lifts and let him fend for himself when he needs to get around.

You need to talk to him honestly about how you feel. Set aside some time this weekend and have a heart to heart. Most of us don't plan life out that precisely. We go down the path of least resistance without much thought and life has a way of quickly turning 'easy' into a habit or a routine. If it's not making you happy, it pays to take a step back as a couple and see if you can make a few adjustments before it turns into a serious problem. A joint social life seems to be the obvious thing missing at the moment. You never know, there may be things he'd like to do differently as well.

Hi when I first went back to work me and my partner felt like we were ships that pass in the night. We felt that the only time we spent together was because we lived in the same house and that there was no quality time. We started snapping at each other over silly things. One night we sat down and talked about how we were feeling. We decided that one night a week once our son was in bed we would sit down at the table have a nice meal share a bottle of wine and just talk. It was a simple thing but it has worked wonders. so much so we are now engaged and planning our wedding. Another promise we made ourselves was to get a babysitter once evry 1-2 months and have a night for "us time". could that be an option for you?

Thank you for your responses!

Learning to drive- we just can't afford it at the moment! I don't give him lifts if he is going somewhere ever, we live in a city and he goes on his bike, but obviously I drive if we are all going somewhere. He doesn't want me to teach him, which I guess is probably wise! But yes, it is in the longer term plan.

My job- I don't hate it, I actually really enjoy it, but it is hard work and I do feel sad about leaving DD every day. I guess I have a lot of transferable skills, but at the moment there is nothing else that will pay enough to keep a roof over our heads, I have looked. Long term, I would like to work shorter hours but my part time request was refused and we can't afford it anyway.

In the short term, I think you are right about my personal social life and our joint social life. Currently we only go out if a friend agrees to babysit, but then we are not seeing the friend! I obviously need to find a teenage babysitter- any clues on how to find one?!

I will go for the chat and see how it goes. Thank you for helping me get some perspective, Cailin, what you have said has struck a real chord with me- I am blaming him for the changes that happen when you have a baby. I suppose it feels like a hell of a lot has changed for me but nothing has changed for him. Perhaps that is the same for everyone though.

I agree with what Cailin said pretty much. If you can't afford to change jobs then maybe you should review your lifestyle. Maybe DH needs to socialise a bit less or you could cut back in other areas. Sometimes you just have to figure out what it is you want and then you can try figuring out what has to chnage to get there.

Your welcome, having a baby is a massive change for anyone and it is so easy to be resentful of your other half especially when he still seems to have a social life. I think the main thing is to remember your not just a mum but a person too.

Babysitters-At the moment we either ask our parents one of our close friends or his brother to have our son over night. This means we can go out enjoy ourselves and not have to worry about who is going to get up the next day. If thats not possible we ask my cousin. She is 16 so is happy enough with a pizza a DVD and maybe £10. She is responsible enough to phone right away if there is a problem and wouldnt have friends round whilst she was babysitting. So we can go out for a meal reassured enough to know he is in responsible hands for the few hours that we are out. If none of that is an option ask the friend maybe it would help to have time just the two of you as a couple.

Then the question is: does having a baby change his life or have you taken on board all most of the childcare and baby related issues and he has carried on as it was before ie a man who is involved in HW etc... but that's all? TBH you say that your H is doing a lot but I can see you doing most of the HW here eg all childcare reated stuff, finances, shopping... so what is he doing? A bit of hoovering and washing the dishes? Am I right there?

I would also investigate further what you want from your life: was your dream to be a SAHM? Do you think you can be a good mum and work full time?
The thing is what we want from life is different at different stages of our lifes. What worked for you before dcs might not work now and that includes the distribution of the responsabilities within the house, your work, going out etc... So your H might have gone out with friends on his own before but now, it should be more about family time or going out as a couple. etc...
You might have dealt with all the finances and the shopping before but now, you do the finances and he does the shopping (That's what internet is for. He could also go the the market on a saturday etc...). It's not because you were doing something before having dcs that you have to do it all now.

Yes, Peppa, you are right. I knew how MN would react if I said the truth- I do all the housework, all the washing, nearly all the child related stuff, all the cleaning and washing up... He cooks every day, does bath and bed time when he is here, and gardens. So he doesn't even do 'a bit of hoovering and washing the dishes'. His life has changed, he definitely socialises less and has fewer lie ins, but mine has changed more! As for what I want... I don't want to be a SAHM, but I would like to work fewer hours. I enjoy my job, but feel like I would like to take some time out from it to think about my next career step later on. I would like more friends, but don't know how to go about finding them. Funny, because pre DD I was happy with just DH's friends, but I never see them anymore!

I am not surprised you are resentful!

Time for a big talk and reorganization of the responsabilities!

Have you left your Dh with his dc and let him get on with all the childcare activities? During the weekend? During the week?
I am just wondering if he has a good idea of how much work is really involved with the childcare, shopping etc... Sometimes , they don't. Just sees you leaving with baby the same as when you were going to work before dcs and there is no realization of the hassle that comes with it.

Re the friend, is the issue that you don't actually see them anymore anyway because one of you needs to be at home with dc, so now you actually feel the need of having your own friends?
Not sure how to get on about it though. I found it hard myself.

id be resentful if i had to dump my children in a nursery, work full time and also do the housework. in fact i wouldnt do it. what pleasure can you get from running from pillar to post and having someone else raise your child.

no way. i would either insist i went at least part time, or he became a stay home parent. material things are nothing compared to having a happy and balanced life

He has often done whole days at home with DD but he just does childcare, no housework, so it's not a fair swap! We have agreed to sit down over dinner and chat about rejigging our roles and routines tomorrow, and I have looked for an exercise class to join and put the feelers out about a babysitter. The preliminary chat has gone well and I am so grateful to all of you for helping me gain some perspective.

Joanna, I do not think I am 'dumping' my daughter in a nursery. I love her more than anything and would not do something to harm her, I do not think someone else is raising my child. This is not a SAHM/ WOHM debate, please do not turn it into one. And while my wages pay the lion's share, we actually can't afford to lose either of our wages, so whatever we decide we will both be working full time or nearly full time!

I'm glad the initial talk went well OP. After reading your later post I feel like my first one response to you was a bit harsh. I definitely think it's time to give your DH a firm kick up the arse to get him taking on his fair share of household responsibilities. In fact, seeing as you work more it would be fairer for him to do slightly more than you on the housework/organisational front IMO. It sounds to me like you're worn out trying to keep everything at home and work going while he's just coasting along. That would make anyone resentful.

Joanna your post was really unhelpful.

Not harsh at all- I needed a kick up the arse in order to be able to give him one! I have offered to cook tomorrow, as I quite enjoy it but it has become 'his' job so I never do it. I am also going into town in the morning so he will be doing childcare. I am going to leave 'my' list of chores out for him to tackle as well!

Great! Enjoy your day in town :)

OP, I read your post thinking 'is this an old one of mine?' and had to check. I am almost word for word in exactly the same situation as you (DD yet to start nursery though as still on Mat Leave).

There are a few things which I 'insist' on or expect from DH which may work for you. Wrt driving, I only drive somewhere if I do not want to get drunk. If I fancy a drink we get taxi or bus there and taxi back. I would be exceptionally cross with DH if he ever once said anything about expecting me to drive us somewhere. Also, if DH ever wants to go anywhere without me, he uses public transport and would never ask me for a lift (I willoffer if I want to give him a lift, but he usually says no). He uses public transport to get to work and back, and although I mainly do the food shopping, I do text him and ask him to pop to the supermarket on his way home to pick up tonights tea if I have forgot or done other things. He never grumbles about this. Today, we neeed food in and I am poorly so he walked the 15mins to the supermarket and walked home with the shopping we needed. Similarly, you could also shop online?

Housework wise you seem to have it covered, I definitley think 50/50 splits are the way to go. DH does the bins, the garden, some of the laundry and the hoovering. I do the cooking, the dishes, some of the laundry and most of the food shopping.

Could your DH pick DD up from nursery using public transport, or is it within walking distance to your home?

Use the evenings as your time together. DH and I have lovely nights in where we find something we both love on the TV, have a nice dinner and a few glasses of wine.

Sorry, posted too soon. My DH also loves his (pooryly paid) job and I hate my (better paid) job but I rationalise this by knowing I'd rather have a happy husband than a rich one.

Ask at your child's nursery for a babysitter. We did and have a fabulous one who the children adore and who we feel totally confident in leaving them with. After all, she looks after our youngest all day and is CRB checked, first aid trained and lovely. It's expensive but worth it for peace of mind and a night out with your husband.

I also now 'entertain' in the house a lot more. Most saturday nights we have a couple of friends round for a take away and watch whatever show is on, play a game or two. Saves on needing to find a babysitter and is cheaper than a night out. I do miss us ging out to the Pub Quiz in the week, but other than that, we find ways to socialise that work for both of us.

EverythingsNotRosie- I would say the way you are feeling is pretty normal. I worked p/t after/ between having my children and still did the lion's share of the housework etc. I think having children does impact far far more on the mother than the father, and part of that is down to the perpetual "trying to be everything to everyone". It's good that you can talk to your DH about it and try to split things a bit more evenly.

Exercise classes are a great get out. It's the only thing I've consistently insisted on being able to do since the dc were born, and it is the one place where I am just me- not someone's mum/ wife/ employee/ workmate. I meet people I now "know" there every week (although I don't socialise with them necessarily outside the class) and it is a little section of time that is MINE.

I can honestly say that it does get easier as the children get older, it really does. Don't agree at all with Joanna- mine were "dumped" in nursery 2 days a week while I worked, and they really thrived and are still really close to me. Keeping up my career has allowed me to now start my own business and pursue my dreams, while still being available to my children.

Instead of being resentful, concentrate on what you want, longterm, and hopefully see that the sacrifices you might be making just now are paving the way for that. Your Dh is lucky that he loves his job. Funnily enough, my DH asked me the other week if I ever felt "short-changed" at not marrying someone else who might have been earning mega-bucks. Answer- no! This is the man and the life I chose. If it can be tweaked so that he does a bit more of the housework etc then fine, but don't lose sight of what you actually have.

Sorry I didn't reply last night, I fell asleep! Unfortunately, DD's nursery is near my work in a different town as it is much cheaper there so DH can't do any pick ups and drop offs, there is not public transport and it would take him about two hours! So the babysitter suggestion may not work either, although I will try, thanks. So action plan going forward, think about my long, medium and short term goals and plan for them, divide chores more fairly, find some me time during the week, try and improve social life for me and for us together. I feel more positive already!

Care to join me in a chorus of 'Always look on the bright side of life'?

It's not a bad maxim to have and is particularly appropriate for the time of year [bugrin]

Singing now while off to clean the bathroom [bugrin] !