DD reminds me too much of XP

[baabaapinksheep]

Split with XP 2.5 years ago, and since then our relationship has been awful. I won't go into too much detail but he has spent the last few years mostly being a twat, its got to the point I actually feel repulsed by him.

Anyway DD1 is very much like him, she looks like him and smells like him, and I;m findnig this is starting to affect my relationship with her. If she comes up to me and tries to give me loads of kisses or something, I often stop her because its just too close and is too much :( but if DD2 does the same then I don't mind.

I had thought that maybe it is because DD1 is older, whereas DD2 is still my little baby, although she is 2.5. But now I think its because she is just so much like XP. I love being with her but can't take her being all over me, and if this carries on then I'm worried that she will grow up thinking I don't love her :( but I have no idea what I can do about it.

grin and bear it, never let her know how you feel. Move on as soon as you can.

You need to get over it. Like, really quickly.

Seriously.

How do I get over it?

she cant help this. Ofcourse she is going to be kind of like him, he is her father. You need to address this before you give her a complex. Maybe councelling?

I read a good bit of advice on here once that said what ever is going through your mind just do the opposite ie if you want to say please get off me instead you say something like give me a hug. You need to hide how you really feel and persevere until these feelings subside. It's not that unusual so dont feel that there is something wrong with you.

You have got to make sure she never ever feels this from you, I am fairly sure that thismismthe reason why my mother doesn't love me. I'm in my forties and it's affected my whole life. Counselling?

She may look like him or smell like him but she is her own little person , and has her own problems in dealing with the break up of her parents.

She needs extra cuddles not you pushing her away.

You are the grown up & can rationalise your feelings. She can't & will feel rejected and jealous of her sister if you can't get over this.

Please get help as puds says . You can't help your negative feelings but you CAN do something about them

i think cognitive behavioural therapy might actually help you, if you honestly cannot bring yourself to ignore the feelings that are bubbling up.

you need to identify the thoughts you're having about your XP, and start putting strategies in place to ensure that those feelings don't affect your DD. CBT might help you do that.

CBT isn't a "let's talk about your childhood" therapy, it's focused on giving you tools to manage negative feelings and not let them take over your life. you learn to identify them, separate yourself from them, choose how to respond to them and then keep doing that until you create new habits of mind.

talk to your GP (the NHS does offer CBT counselling) or look up a private counsellor who specialises in CBT. you can even read up on CBT and put some of the strategies to work in your life right away.

in the meantime, force yourself to spend time with your DD one-on-one every day. hug her, kiss her, talk to her, listen to her, and if you have bad feelings while doing so, ignore them, they are just feelings and have nothing to do with her. and you cannot allow your irrational feelings to ruin her life.

I do love her, I really do, I just struggle to show it. I'm feeling constantly guilty, and am trying to address it before it permanently damages her.

How would I go about getting counselling?

talk to your doctor, tell them you think you need councilling and they should refer you. It is affecting your life after all

Sorry xpost with oikipolis, I do hug her and kiss her and play with her, it's not like I ignore her or don't give her any love or attention, it's just when she is all over me.

Can you try and think of it in terms of her reminding you of the XP you first knew and fell in love with? There must have been a time, however short, when he wasn't a twat - there must have been something you once liked. Can you identify those things and hang on to that?

I do understand - my DD is very like her father, and while my Ex is not a twat and we get on well, obviously there are reasons he's the Ex - he's bloody hard to live with, he's moody, he always thinks he's right - and DD has all of those traits. But she has the best of him too, the bits I did once love about him, and that's what I focus on. And of course now she's older (she's an adult) she's very much her own person and the similarities with her father don't matter anymore - you'll get like that with your DD, I'm sure.

Thanks you for all the advice, I will look into counselling.

I'd also like to point out that it is only the last month or so that I've felt like this, and about a week or two since I realised the reason. I've tried to just snap out of it, but it I can't so need to do something else to get it sorted.

It's very hard baabaa but you have recognised there may be a problem & you're prepared to get help with it so good for you for that!

I second CBT - it's quite popular with GP's as (so my GP said) it has been shown to be as effective if not more so than drug therapy for depression/anxiety.

I liked it because it helped me focus on the positives of my life & not the negatives-or rather it helped me get the balance back & credit myself for what I WAS getting right & helped me not beat myself up for what I wasn't!!

People on MN have used the phrase 'fake it until you make it'. You could try that.
It was good for me that I did not have a daughter as my DH looks like MIL and if I had a mini her in my house it would have been a struggle for me. That is one of those secret thoughts!