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Relationships

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Original poster

Child care options after relationship break up

24 replies

Mambo75 · 06/04/2012 18:01

I have been a house husband and looking after my son for 5 years while my wife went to work as she was earning much more than I could . He has now been going to school since September and my wife has now told me she no longer wants to be with me and wants me to move out and she will pay for child care . I accept our relationship is not as it once was but I don't know what I would do without my son and want to do what is best for him. I know I may need proffesional advice but would like to know if anyone could advise me on my options Thanks

OP posts:

Smum99 · 06/04/2012 18:10

I think the advice to you would be the same to any SAHP, seek legal advice asap. As your son's main carer it's likely that your son would stay with you and therefore your wife needs to consider your son's housing needs. She can't just assume that she would retain the house and outsource childcare to someone else. There would be outrage if a man tried to do this - I assume you were both in agreement to you staying at home and her career has no doubt benefited from having you at home taking care of the house and childcare. If your earnings have been impacted due to the career break then this needs to be taken into account.

Get some legal advice asap and ensure that you have all the information about your financial situation. i.e details of her earnings, pension, savings etc

Clytaemnestra · 06/04/2012 18:13

If you've been the primary carer for 5 years then there is no way that should change just because your wife wants to end the marriage.

DON'T move out. Seek legal advice. Fight your corner.

TooEasilyTempted · 06/04/2012 18:17

DON'T move out!! Don't do anything until you've had proper legal advice.

ImperialBlether · 06/04/2012 18:22

Christ, this teaches women not to marry someone who earns less, doesn't it?

solidgoldbrass · 06/04/2012 18:25

Imperial: why shouldn't women marry someone who earns less? PLenty of marriages function fine in such a situation.

OP, as everyone else has said, seek legal advice. Will your wife agree to attending mediation? If the break up can be handled as amicably as possible it's best for all concerned.

ImperialBlether · 06/04/2012 18:27

Well, the implication here is that if you earn more and your partner stays at home and the relationship breaks down, you will end up without your child and your home and funding another person to take care of it all.

And I know, I know, that people will say that that's what happens to men. I know. I couldn't bear to lose my children, that's all.

mummytime · 06/04/2012 18:31

The courts tend to try for as close to 50-50 residence as possible, as it is best for kids to have two parents. If someone has given up a career to look after the children, the other partner may need to pay them maintenance on top and share pension etc. Mothers are not always the better parents.

Original poster

Mambo75 · 06/04/2012 18:57

Thank you all for your comments and advice and I do understand that there many issues to consider what is best for my son but it just feels like I've helped and encouraged my wife to get where she is in her career. Although I gave up my career happily to look after my child as we both felt this was best for him it feels like I've been a free baby sitter and she can now manage without me I'm no longer required .

OP posts:

RandomMess · 06/04/2012 19:00

TBH that's exactly how it reads! You don't need to move out, you are the main carer - she can either stay until assets are divided/agreed on or she can move whilst you go through that process.

I would suggest you start looking for work though.

Original poster

Mambo75 · 06/04/2012 19:07

I have been working part time since September and would hope to work more hours when possible and will go full time if unable to be main carer for my son

OP posts:

solidgoldbrass · 06/04/2012 22:24

IB: if one parent has been the SAHP and main carer for the DC regardless of gender then surely that parent should remain the main carer if the relationship ends. I don't think there's any justification for saying (as you appear to be saying) Women! Your job is childcare, don't even think about having a career.

Mambo: there are various possibilities here. Is the situation between you and your wife so hostile that you can only communicate through lawyers? Or do you think you could sit down with her and come up with an amicable agreement WRT who your child lives with for how much of the time? Some separated parents have 50-50 care of the DC, for instance. Also, it's going to depend on whose name the house is in etc, though as you are married it will be considered an asset of the marriage and both partners will have a share in it. If you can't agree, a court might order it sold and the profits divided, or for one partner to buy the other out etc.

pinkkoala · 06/04/2012 22:59

just a quick question.
i have always been main carer to dd now 7, and worked partime.
he has always earnt more until he got made redundant a yr ago, now gone self employed and earns less.
he wants to claim he is now main carer, have told my solicitor this, she told me he may try that.
how do i stand, basially he isnt a nice man and certainly has no patience or interest in dd.
can he get residency ap he is threatening me all the time with it.

Original poster

Mambo75 · 06/04/2012 23:09

Hi solidgoldbrass thank you for advice. At present my wife appears to have been misguided by so called friends that she has met up with again from her past. She seems to think because she is the bread winner she calls the shots and if something happens or is said that she doesn't like then she becomes hostile and says she will move out and take my son with her. I have asked her to go to seek professional help but she is unwilling . I fear she is having a mid life crisis and wish to support her but she won't take notice of me. The house is in joint names and she has offered in principle to help me with renting a property but can't bare the thought of my son being looked after by someone else when I could do so .

OP posts:

Rubirosa · 06/04/2012 23:20

Don't move out - if she wants to end the marriage she should be leaving.

The priority should be maintaining the status quo for your child as far as possible. It won't do your son any good for his main carer to suddenly move out and be looked after in childcare instead.

ImperialBlether · 07/04/2012 00:03

Solidgoldbrass, you say, "I don't think there's any justification for saying (as you appear to be saying) Women! Your job is childcare, don't even think about having a career."

I really don't think I said anything like that! I was saying that the thought of losing their child might make a woman refuse to get involved with a man who earned less. I, for one, wouldn't have let my ex be a SAHD if it meant in a divorce I'd lose the children.

I have a career myself and went back to work full time, from 2/3 time, when I divorced. No way am I saying women shouldn't have careers.

I do think, though, that before people have children they should consider the other parent and think what they would be like and what they would want in the case of a break up. Same with getting married. Only marry someone who'd be good to you in a divorce, in my opinion.

Rubirosa · 07/04/2012 00:07

Same for men - don't work full time while your wife stays at home if you wish to be the child's main carer.

Peppin · 07/04/2012 07:32

You must get proper legal advice, and the initial half hour consultation with a decent family law solicitor will be free so please go and do that ASAP, but to put your mind a little at rest, a few points:

the Children Act 1989 governs what happens to the child and the "paramountcy principle" rules, namely that the well being of the child is paramount. Normally this means that the status quo - whatever that is - for the child - is preserved. There has to be a VERY good reason to depart from this, e.g. if the main career was an alcoholic or something, which doesn't sound the case here.

As you are married and have given up work to look after your child, on a divorce your wife will have to pay both child maintenance and spousal maintenance. The child maintenance for 1 child will be 15% of her met income (after tax, N.I. and pension provision). The spousal income will be assessed on the basis of your "needs". Also it is unlikely that you will get this ad infinitum - the court would expect you to make an effort to retrain yourself and get back to work eventually, but is likely to allow some time (maybe a few years) for you to do this. In my case, ex-h and I split when the kids were 1 and 3, and I had not worked since birth of first child. I to spousal maintenance until they were 4 and 6, by which time I had re-trained and gone back to work.

Spousal maintenance is different to the division of your marital assets, e.g. home, pension pot built up by your wife during the marriage (yes this is an asset you have a claim to). Your assets and liabilities will also be divided. The starting point for this is 50/50 but for most couples there is not enough money in the pot to achieve a 50/50 split and preserve the well being of any children, so a greater proportion goes to the one with residence of the children. If you can't afford a clean break on the house, it is common for the court to order that the non-resident parent gets a charge on the property to protect his/her interest in it for the duration of the child's minority. I.e. you and the child get to stay living there (provided you can meet the mortgage payments out of the maintenance payments), and when the child leaves school, you repay (maybe by selling the house or maybe by then you can afford to remortgage to raise the money) your ex-w the charge.

It does sound as though your wife is ignorant of what the law is and assumes that because she is the mother and holds the purse strings, she can throw her weight around. I would recommend taking legal advice yourself and, without telling her "my lawyer says...", suggest she also take advice so that you can have a sensible discussion. DO NOT AGREE TO/SIGN ANYTHING BEFORE TAKING LEGAL ADVICE. These days, you have to consider mediation before going before a court and it may well be that once your wife finds out what her situation is, she changes her mind/changes tack.

DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE. Not rven to stay with friends for a few days. If there is really a dispute over who stays in it in the short term, you can get an interim order for residence which would keep her out - the court would be likely to grant this as it is your child's home and you are the main carer.

Sorry to end on a cynical note, but you would do well to go round your house right now finding all papers relating to the family finances. Take copies and keep them. The law has changed recently so that you can't use in divorce proceedings any info about your spouse's finances that you have obtained by deception (e.g. opening their post/hacking online accounts) but it is still fine to take copies of stuff left lying around. If your

wife thinks she is leaving then she may well be thinking of hiding this type of thing. Try and get the info now but don't make her aware of it.

I hope this is helpful but it is no substitute for legal advice, which you must get. Good luck. Thinking of you.

Peppin · 07/04/2012 07:33

P.S. sorry for typos - done on phone!

Bonsoir · 07/04/2012 07:35

I concur with others. Your W has absolutely no right to ask you to leave the family home and to "replace" your caring responsibilities with paid childcare. This is outrageous!

Go and see a solicitor ASAP.

IDontWantToBeFatAnymore · 07/04/2012 07:38

She sounds awful.

You are not the one wanting things to change so do not leave the house.

solidgoldbrass · 07/04/2012 10:24

You would have to have done something drastically bad for your wife to be able to cut you out of the child's life, Mambo, so try not to worry about that.
For the moment, be calm and civil and obliging with your wife until you can talk to a solicitor: you need RL advice. People online can offer help and support but we don't know your full circumstances and it's not always the best idea to disclose all your details in a public discussion forum.

The general view from courts, judges etc is that the child's best interests come first, and that it is in the child's best interests to have a good relationship with both parents as much as possible.

Original poster

Mambo75 · 07/04/2012 16:58

Once again thank you all for your advice . Just reading advice and comments have made me feel more positive and know there is light at the end of the tunnel. I also know I'm not the only one going through tough times but the support I've had from here and from family makes me feel I am able to stand up for myself and my son . thank you all

OP posts:

RandomMess · 07/04/2012 22:11

I hope your wife calms down and realises that your son is the priority here, best of luck.

Longtalljosie · 08/04/2012 10:50

I think there are two possibilities here. One - your wife has taken on board that women tend to get residency of children after divorce without quite realising why - that the main carer of the children continues to be so - and without taking on board that this doesn't apply to her.

Or two - she's well aware she's in shaky ground and is trying to bluster her way through. I would get legal advice, as soon as you can.

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