My husband walked out on me and our two children last night

[flumpkins]

I had DS 3 months ago and keep getting ill, which I realised yesterday was due to total exhaustion. I haven't slept properly for 3 months because my husband doesn't help me at home and is never at home.

Most days he gets up at 6am and goes to work to return at about 11-12am. I have to do all the night feeds (bf-ing), and I do nappy changing, rocking baby back to sleep etc because he claims he is tired from work and needs to get up early. Basically if he comes home at 6pm I have to have had dinner ready for him and then I have to take the children to bed at 8pm so he can relax and watch TV. I normally take children upstairs and stay on the computer until I feel sleepy, only to awake again for a feed. He stays downstairs for hours and I am sure he is watching porn - I found his internet history on his phone, which he deleted the next day.

In the past we have had massive rows because I don't always make his food on time. I must add here now that we're not English, and there is alot of things about "losing respect" that fly about if a husband and wife fight and involve family. I don't like eating the same shit everyday - I was born here and am used to trying a variety of things for dinner, but he won't try anything unless it's his staple food that he likes. It's got to the point where I hate cooking and I hate eating now. I didn't eat properly throughout my pregnancy because I just couldn't stomach the shit. I never put on a large amount of weight and as a result my son was born underweight. So I do admit I don't cook his dinner everyday because he's made me hate food.

I have been ill for the past 5 days now, and as usual he hasn't been at home. I find it hard to entertain my 4 year old and look after the baby. He doesn't care. I went to a family members house yesterday and he phoned me. I asked him when he will be home and he said he was just talking to a friend about 5 mins from our house and he will be home - as usual his first question was "What's going to happen about dinner" and I told him I'd come home and make it for him. I left family member's house about 20 mins later, and by that time I was shivering and breaking into a fever again. I got home, thinking he would come out and take the children in. No. He wasn't at home. I phoned him and asked him where he was and apparantly he was running home. I waited 10 mins and he didn't come. I left the children downstairs and got into bed shivering. Finally I heard him come home and I could tell by the way he was walking around and talking to my DD he was pissed off I had gone to bed.

I took a codiene and slept for about 2 hours, and when I woke up all I could hear was him shouting at DD. She came upstairs and I told her to tell him to take some food out of the freezer and eat it, and give some to DD too. She went downstairs and he started shouting at her again. I got out of bed angry and shouted at him there was food in the freezer to which he replied "that's not edible for a person". I took it out, and warmed it up for DD and told her to sit on table and eat. All the time I was so angry and shouting that why he hadn't asked DD if she was hungry. He replied I'll go and leave you, and I shouted back "go then, I'll back your bags" and I went back upstairs to bed. He phoned his brother and was shouting about me to him, and came upstairs and dumped our son on my lap and said "I'm going, I've had enough, I hate it here". He left at 9pm.

My brother phoned him to come home and he didn't. My brother texted him this morning to ask what's happening and he said he'd be back at 3-4pm. He's not back. I hate him so much. He ruined my life and I 100% sure now this marriage meant nothing but a visa to the UK. What kind of man leaves his children? I haven't texted or phoned him once because I haven't done anything wrong. I don't know why I am posting here but I just would like some support. I already feel like a single mother because he's never at home, so I know I can cope, but this will kill my Dad.

I don't have any Asian friends. All my friends are from all different backgrounds except mine. I am more ashamed at what his family will think and the gossiping that will inevitably ensue. I just want to hide myself away from everything. I hate him for trying to act like he's the victim. He is telling everyone I kicked him out, when I didn't, he went on his own accord. I hate how the main reason for his distress is not getting his dinner on time.

As long as your immediate family are alongside you, the rest of the community can go hang. You'll find plenty of supporters in fact - they may take their time to sneak a word in private, but it'll happen. Remember they're mostly 2nd & 3rd gen. It's usually only the older crew who cling to the old ways.

With that in mind, I'm a little bit worried that your Dad might try to negotiate a reconciliation. Only you know how likely that is - there's no way he'll be happy about his darling girls being abused but could be in huge turmoil with conflict between his love for you and his lifelong culture. If he chases H for contrition, it could multiply your in-laws' "shame" and the last thing you need is the weight of everyone else's good face to fall on you. A few calls to advice agencies may be very helpful in preparing you, and in supporting you if needed.

I'd really like to think of your family surrounding you with love, concern and protection. I'm sure they want to. Meanwhile, rally as much backup as you can :)

How's DD now her dad's been away for a full day? How are you?

Oh, cross-posted! Good to hear you've lots of varied friends. Can you get people to come to your home & keep you company / give you a hand / affirm that this is the best for you & DD?

Look, gossip is gossip. People who need to put others down, to make themselves feel okay about their own lives, spread malicious rumours. That is all. I think it'll not be too long before you're able to feel pity for them.

And yes, I still will feel shame infront of friends aswell who all assumed my marital life was happy, especially after DS was born after all the mc's...

It's okay. It happens to everyone after a marriage goes bad. We think we owe it to everyone to keep up the happy lie. But, you know what, most of them will have noticed things weren't quite as they seemed. When they hear the truth, they'll only feel for you and wish they could have helped sooner.

"Shame is the enemy of good health". It's true, you know!
The only shame is his.

Thanks garlic. My heart just feels weighed down and I'm scared. DD is ok as far as I can see. She asked about him during the day and I dialled his number but he didn't answer and didn't return the call.

My Dad is really ill and if he receives any kind of shock news it will be bad for him.

His family should be ashamed of themselves for raising such a pathetic excuse for a husband. They're the ones who should be avoiding your eye.

It'll be fish and chips wrappings by next week, the gossips will have got bored and moved on - a truth universal to all cultures, I believe?

Dsis hasn't told him about the beatings before the miscarriages, as she says it will explode if he finds out. She wants to go and tell H's cousin about it on her own so he knows why I've been so unhappy.

flumpkins What an awful time you,ve had of it. You and your children will be much better off without him.

As for the community, quite honestly, fuck them, they didn't have to live your life, so their thoughts are irrelevant.

I'm not Asian, but am married to a man from asian background, believe me, ideas are changing and all that old way of "issard'' and losing face, is becoming extinct.
Your a British woman, and whatever your cultural background, you don't have to be tied to physical or emotional abuse. I wish you and your children all the peace you now deserve.

Are you happy for her to do that? She's clearly fuming on your behalf, but make sure you're ready - if you need a few days, make her wait.

Purple - I hope they are ashamed, but looking at how solid they are, they won't admit he made any mistakes.

Oh, I understand. Poor you, worrying about your father as well as suffering everything your horrible husband has inflicted on you.

Have you eaten today? You really must take good, basic care of yourself. Try to treat yourself as you would a good friend in distress. DD wants you to be well, and so does your family. So do we!

PathanKhans, I was thinking that ... Flumpkins might well be over-estimating the weight of shame, because she's been hearing her husband's bullying tripe for so long.

Garlic and I'm sure Flumkins would agree, community pressure can be INTENSE in these situations, I've seen it. As with most patriarchal societies the dice is always loaded against the woman.

But as I say, ideas are changing allbeit too slowly for my liking. I'm lucky DH family are very "progressive"? thats probably the wrong word, and I've probably offended someone, but I have over the years heard tales to make my hair curl.

PathanKhans - yes I agree it is dying out in this country but back home it still exists and no woman has ever been divorced in our family. We still have strong connections and I don't even want to think about what people will think.

Purple, I was going to phone his brother today to organise a face to face meeting so I can tell him what exactly has been going on, but then Dsis phoned and said she will talk to them first. I trust her to do this.

garlic, I haven't eaten since 12pm. I just don't feel hungry. I've noticed my milk is drying up as DS is never fulfilled. If I could just get over this bloody fever/cold I could feel better to look after myself.

Fluck your culture, I'm sorry but its not right for anyone to even contemplate staying in a situation where they are so unhappy even if there was no abuse, for the sake of culture and a community that doesn't even care for you. Think about it, will they support you amd help you or do they delight in other peoples suffering. I don't know where you live but you could also contact Newham Asian woman's project, but women's aid will direct you to organizations near by.

You deserve to be happy.

The only thing confusing me is why his ds didn't accept his arranged marriage?

Flumkins you know yourself, even if you had a 3D version of him abusing you, beating you, for his family, it will always be your fault.
So don't waste your precious energy worrying about his family back home. You need to look after your self, eat properly, you need to be strong now
The cold/fever is probably down to all the stress you've been under.

Pathan - "progressive" is a good word. it's all about how educated a family is back home. I know loads of girls who have married men from there who are well educated and have normal husbands. My husband' family are nothing more than village idiots who thrive on idle gossip and other people's misfortunes. I thought he was different or that I could change him by making him see things my way, but I was wrong.

nailak, thanks. Your last comment is confusing me too - whose ds didn't accept which arranged marriage?

Flum I know that family , it's so hard, when your just poles apart. I know of arranged marriages that are so happy, and love marriages that are disasters, and vice-versa.
But the common element in the good marriages, are having a mutual understanding and perspective, you just have to not at all concern yourself with the gossips, they're not your problem.
And its true, they'll only slate you until the next thing comes along..

I'm off to bed, do try to eat and relax a little. Try to get some decent sleep.
Everyone on this thread, I know, is wishing the best for you, and we're always here to talk to, don't feel isolated..

i meant why does your sis in law not like you? and never meet your kids?

You don't need to worry about how his family will feel, they should be the ones feeling shame, because such a horrible man is part of their family.
Please change the locks as soon as you can, so you can feel safer, knowing he can't get into the house.
Good luck and strength to you.

Thank You PathanKhans.

nailak - she didn't want him to marry me because she wanted him to marry someone from his own family. The women in the family don't take nicely to outsiders. But he refused and went ahead with it. He had already been here on a visit visa, so her stance was that he didn't need to marry a British citizen to get a visa to the UK anymore. I only found this out about a year ago. She hates me just for that, and my children too. I have only spoken to her once in my life and she never attended our wedding.

Thanks TheSecondComing - I'm in the South East but am okay. I have my DB and his family and knowing my sister is supporting me is helping me cope too.