Am I in the wrong?

[passthevino82]

I really need some opinions as I don't know whether I am blowing things out of proportion!!!

I was with a guy for 8 years, on the whole our relationship was good, he is the only man that I have ever loved, we were very solid until about 5 years into the relationship - my phone had broken so he lent me a spare one that he had, on his phone I found sex texts that he had sent one of his work collegues, they basically said how he wanted to undress her, his defence was that he was drunk when he sent them - which i can well believe as the spelling was awful as it is when he's had a bit to drink, anyway we split up for about 6 months and then got back together, after 8 years of being together I got itchy feet, i had just finished a very long university course and wanted to see the world, he didn't want this and wanted me to get a full time job and for us both to move in together, have kids and get married etc - I wanted to see the world before I settled down, i begged him to come with me but he wouldn't - which is understandable as he had just reached the top of his career ladder and had been given an excellent job.

Anyway, I decided to follow my dreams and I went travelling, two years into going round the world I met another guy ( who turned out to be the biggest arsehole ever) and I fell pregnant, after 4 years away I returned to the UK with my beautiful baby. When my ex found out i was back he got in touch, we met up, I explained that I had had another mans baby, after many months of being friends we got back together again. We have now been properly back together for 2 years, he has been wonderful with my child and is bringing him up as his own, my son even calls him Dad as his own father doesn't want to know. We are also living together and are due to married next year.

However!!! .... The other day he left his facebook page open and I know that I shouldn't have done it but I couldn't resist looking in his inbox. There I found loads of messages off different women, one being where he wished a woman he worked with who he called his 'dream woman' a Happy Valentines, his reponse to this was that he was being sarcastic to her and this is what everyone calls her at work. The other messages were sent when I was travelling but he had sent loads of messages to women that he had worked with basically asking them out on dates, he put in them that he had always fancied them ... so this would mean that he fancied them when he was with me. I also found out that he had sex with two women from work whilst I was travelling, which yes I know we was split up so he could do what he wanted to do but it just hurts that these are yet again women that he has worked with.

Am I riight to be hurt by all of this? I wouldn't care who he asked out and who he had sex with when we was spilt up if these had been women he had met outside work, what hurts is that they are women he has worked with, i feel like I did all of those years ago when he first started sex texting a girl from work, i feel as though I cant trust him. Although he says he has never actually had sex with another woman whilst he has been with me I don't know if I can believe him. What makes things worse is that he works away 5 day a week so is only home for 2 day so god knows what he is getting up to.

If he has quite a demanding job, then maybe the only place he really interacts with women enough to get to know them and ask them on a date is at work. I worked a lot, and that was where i met my DP.
You were separated when he slept with these women, so you have not right to be annoyed about that, however it is obvious you dont trust him at all, which would make me question the relationship, and whether marriage would be the right thing for you

he has a very demanding job and has to work 14 hours straight some days, he works a good hours drive away so this is why he doesn't come home in the week. I know that I shouldn't be angry about the ones he slept with when we was seperated but it just seems that all of the women he finds are from work. I am so pissed off though that he called someone a dream woman on valentines day - this is when we were together.

to be honest what he did when you were travelling is nothing to do with you - didnt you do the same and ended up with a baby?

obviously what he does now does concern you. ask him does he want to continue a relationship with you and if yes, then the facebook/texting and such must stop. if you dont trust him, bin him because thats no way to live. a partnership is supposed to be fun and loving, not sneaky and deceitful

Hmm. What comes across is that you are very hurt by this. It also sounds like he is keeping up the 'bachelor' life - not actually (you hope), but in his head. The fact that he works away 5 days a week won't be helping. Can he change job? Closer to home, for a start. it sounds like this may be the culture where he works. or it may be just him..

What is clear is that you can't live like this. He's got form for this and his excuses just aren't cutting it. He may or may not be playing away but his reponse to this was that he was being sarcastic to her and this is what everyone calls her at work is hardly comforting. I just wouldn't believe that excuse, sorry.

You can't trust him - and it's obvious why. It was a bit dim to give you a phone that had explicit messages on it - people who play away are usually more careful (ditto his uncensured FB page - he hasn't deleted any dodgy messages). But it feels like I'm grabbing at straws here - he has to step up to the plate: he is not a bachelor any more and his lifestyle - real or imagined - has to reflect that.

I think you should discount anything that happened while you were away (you weren't together, so why shouldn't he approach other women?).

As to the other stuff, if I were you I'd try and discuss it with him, get it into the open and explain to him why it is shaking your trust. He may well reassure you, but you must be clear about what you expect from him, so there can be no further misunderstandings.