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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do i get over my childhood?

30 replies

backandforth · 06/04/2012 13:43

In short, my mother abused me emotionally and physically. She in turn was also abused emotionally as a child much more severely than me. She had no mother to act as a role model, so i can't blame her.

I am in my 40s and I need to get over this before it becomes what my life was about. How do other people cope?

OP posts:

Original poster

backandforth · 06/04/2012 13:48

She still has the power to leave me sobbing like a child again. She just periodically turns on me for no reason whatsoever and makes my life a misery for a while. I am the oldest of four and she picks on her eldest son (my brother) too, but not the other two. If I am honest, she picks on my brother more than me these days but she's recently switched her attention back to me and in just three weeks I've gone from happy, confident mother and wife, to a sobbing little girl. its not right.

I live 100s of miles away so she can only do it by phone. However, that does not stop her. My brother sympathises but the other two just say "you know what mum's like. Don't bother me with it."

I tried once (in the last 10 years) to cut her out of my life. I tried for two years but in the end it didn't work because i felt guilty for not supporting her now that she is old and lonely (my dad is dead). i was actually glad to hear from her when she got back in touch.

DH is sick of her interference too. He is putting pressure on me to not take her phone calls etc.

OP posts:

PollyMorfic · 06/04/2012 13:54

As an adult you don't have to carry on engaging with her in the same way that you have always done. It is hard to change when patterns are so very entrenched, but it can be done. It might be a good idea to look into getting some professional help (therapy) to help you look a bit more objectively at the patterns that you're locked into, and support you in finding ways to change them.

Have a look at this website as well: Daughters of Narcissistic mothers to see if any of it rings bells for you.

NicholasEggcupkozy · 06/04/2012 13:54

That's how I grew up too. Eldest of four and bullied physically and emotionally by stepmother. I've gone no contact. The last time I saw her was at my dads funeral ten years ago.

Have a look at the Stately Homes thread, there are some lovely people on there.

Original poster

backandforth · 06/04/2012 13:59

thanks for your replies. she's not narcissistic (i think she despises herself half the time, so its not about loving herself too much).

She was fine until i was about 10 and then she just seemed to start resenting everything about me. It was as if I had to do everything her way or it wasn't satisfactory. She even minded that i was doing well at school!

She goes to church a lot and uses that to prove that she must be the one in the right

OP posts:

Original poster

backandforth · 06/04/2012 14:03

The worst of it is that last week, i was crying hard and my 10 year old tried to comfort me. he asked what was wrong and I couldn't think of a lie so i told him "Gran didn't love me when i was a child." He replied that she was in the wrong and that I didn't deserve to be treated like that.

it was like a weight lifting off my shoulders. No one has ever said that to me before.

I feel so embarrassed that I've let my child see into this world though.

OP posts:

PollyMorfic · 06/04/2012 14:13

I think the narcissism thing can be about very profound lack of confidence but turned against other people, if that makes sense? Have a look at the website anyway and see if it strikes any chords for you. The thing about mothers secretly resenting their daughters resonates with me (and is really not that uncommon, sadly).

You are an independent adult, you don't have to let her rattle your chain, but you may need support to break the patterns that you've been conditioned into following.

springydaffs · 06/04/2012 14:14

Therapy - it's the only way OP. Plus read all the literature you can get your hands on, go to all the support groups. You're not alone ((hug))

Original poster

backandforth · 06/04/2012 14:23

Why does she only pick on two of us? Why are the other two so special? i know that's an impossible question to answer but its the one that goes round and round in my head.

OP posts:

ArtVandelay · 06/04/2012 14:27

Hi Backandforth, I'm sorry that you are going through this anguish. I have had to end the relationship with one of my parents because the abuse and the rewriting history and just bullshit was damaging me as an adult. Can you do a cutting off for 6 months or a year and see how it goes? It would probably give you some thinking space and help you to see how 'normal' life is, without getting attacked all the time.

Its funny how children can hit the nail on the head. Recently my DSC's were asking my husband why I don't have a dad (I wasn't there) and he explained a bit and they were absolutely fascinated. They thought it was a really good idea to keep away from someone who said cruel things and hurt you even if it was your dad. They had their own examples about friends, getting hurt in an accident, all sorts of things. They thought it was very sad. I cried for ages when he told me but I felt utterly understood. My DSCs are 8 and 12, I think a 10 yr old can understand this and you shouldn't be embarrassed.

I am in psychotherapy at the moment and I think I am nowhere near as messed up as I thought I was Its not something you have to carry around forever but I think you need some time away from her attacks to make some decisions. Have a HUG ((())))

ArtVandelay · 06/04/2012 14:29

"Why does she only pick on two of us? Why are the other two so special?" Its like they decide who's good and who's bad, who's this or who's that and it has no bearing on reality - just whats in their heads.

springydaffs · 06/04/2012 14:32

It's not about you, it's about her. You get to see that in therapy, get to separate everything out. She is a sick and damaged woman, she doens't even know what she is doing, can't see the patterns she makes. She very probably loves you the same as the other two but, like a chemical reaction, she is used to doing what she does. As she doesn't even know she is doing it (this is NOT an excuse btw!) she won't address it.

I know how painful it is!

tb · 06/04/2012 15:21

I can remember answering one of dd's questions about her gm when she was little, and her looking at me all sad and shocked and asking 'none huggles??'. She just couldn't get her little head round it that some mummys didn't give hugs and cuddles.

anewmotivatedme · 06/04/2012 15:28

I think you need to cut her out.

My best friend has not spoken to her emotionally abusive Dad for 15 years, and has really come into her own. So much more confident, and happier.

jenrose29 · 06/04/2012 15:34

My mum was emotionally and physically abusive to me too. She would insult me daily, leave used sanitary towels around when I started my periods, accuse me of being pregnant at as young as 11 and tell me she was going to 'inspect me', she hit me, shouted at me, locked me in my room. She threw me out regularly and I had to sleep in the park, I was too scared to tell anyone what was going on. I cut her out of my life 11 years ago and honestly it was the best decision I ever made. She tried getting back in touch last year after my sister passed on my address against my wishes. The letter was all about her and how hard things had been for her. Never mind the daughter she hadn't seen she was 15 and who she left homeless! Leopards never change their spots. As far as I'm concerned, you can either let yourself be dragged down with them or just cut them out and forget about them. I chose to do the latter.

jasminerice · 06/04/2012 15:40

Try reading The Emotionally Absent Mother by Jasmin Corri. I've found it brilliant in helping me understand and let go of my anger at my own mother.

hightrees · 06/04/2012 16:13

Jasmine - thanks, I'll get that book.
Dear OP, I don't have the answers either. But one thing I have started to do is to say to myself she's mentally ill - detach - and try not to become emotionally involved. It is VERY hard.
But you, dear OP, sound lovely, kind, thoughtful and, quite frankly, a good person - as evinced by your little boy. (And here's betting your mother never tells you such things...) Hugs.

Original poster

backandforth · 06/04/2012 16:13

I do appreciate all your replies.

How much does therapy cost?

OP posts:

Original poster

backandforth · 06/04/2012 16:18

What i realised recently is that when she attacks me, I end up feelign like a child (but in an adults body). I feel upset, hurt, angry, defiant and most of all i just want it to stop but feel powerless to stop it. Its like part of me hasn't grown up.

Mum had an awful, dickensian childhood. Her mother died in childbirth and her father blamed her and abandoned her. Its not her fault. She can be big hearted sometimes. But she will never, ever say sorry or admit that she is wrong.

OP posts:

hightrees · 06/04/2012 16:24

I had just a few sessions for £70 a session around 5 years ago. It was all because I felt I never wanted children lest I do the same to them. It was my DH who said I really ought to talk it thru professionally. I am a self-contained though (which, so I discovered is the result of having had an alcoholic parent... ah joy), and I think I believe that I can solve my own problems (hence books). But I think therapy is a good thing to explore. A friend got free sessions through the NHS.
If you do want to read more books to make you feel better then (along with Jasmine's suggestion - which I've just ordered), in my 20s, I got a lot from various books by Wayne Dyer (so off mark was I on the happiness stakes). There's one called 'Your erroneous zones' which was good at giving me back a sense of power through an absolute fug of mother-induced depression. I realise this sort of thing won't be everyone's cup of tea...

hightrees · 06/04/2012 16:25

xposted - re sense of power...this is how I felt too.
Yes also to not growing up,
Yes to not her fault.
Yes to hard childhood
Yes to big heartedness
Yes to not saying sorry.
BIG yes to never admitting fault.
OP you are not alone...

hightrees · 06/04/2012 16:26

Oh and yes to going to church.
OP you're not my sister are you? :)

springydaffs · 07/04/2012 01:04

I've had a lot of therapy at different costs. Basic price for psychotherapy (in the provinces!) is approx £40-£50ph. You can research therapists in your area through BACP - look for one that specialises in toxic mothers/religious abuse etc - narrow down your search, approach them for a reduced fee (they expect this and won't be offended). You can also get counselling through womens orgs at a very low rate, sometimes £5ph. I would suggest you need a long course of therapy as from what you say the abuse has been severe. 6 weeks won't cut it imo. Good luck sweetie xx

springydaffs · 07/04/2012 01:08

You really must have a look at the stately homes thread. You will recognise a lot there. That feeling you have of feeling like a small child when she abuses you is a common result of trauma re arrested development (where a part of you hasn't developed because of abuse).

oikopolis · 07/04/2012 01:39

OP i am sorry for what you're gone through

many survivors of abuse wonder why certain siblings were singled out, and others left alone or even treated very well... i just wanted to offer that this is incredibly common in abusive families.

usually one or two children will be singled out as "golden children", and the remainder become scapegoats. it has to do with the abuser's black and white thinking, i think. but whatever the reason, i just wanted to let you know that it's got nothing to do with you and your brother being defective or ANYTHING like that.

in fact, frequently the more loving and sensitive child/ren is/are set up as the scapegoat. it's terribly cruel.

fridakahlo · 07/04/2012 01:55

Hightrees I can say yes to everything on the list apart from the big heart.
Backandforth-It is all about learning that it is not about you, it really is her with the problem. One of the things that took me years to get my head around was the fact that she was never going to wake up one morning and be the mother I deserved. So now I accept her for who she is and ignore her arseholian behaviour, oh and live more than three thousand miles away from her.
Or doing what a lot of other people do and cut her from your life. Easier said than done, for me it was anyway.

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